


The Starbuck Pick Up Pinch

by nonky



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2018-05-26 16:42:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 56,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6247690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonky/pseuds/nonky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Flattery would get his arms and legs blown off with Kara, but he was the CAG and she had to listen to his briefings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lure

**Author's Note:**

> Set in season two, when they were both pent up with conflicted emotions but not tied up with significant others. To be continued.

Kara Thrace was impenetrable to charm and seduction. Lee had witnessed a thousand men fail to realize, going down in almost literal flames as she lit them up with insults and disdain. Flattery would get his arms and legs blown off with Kara. She did not believe in being swept off her feet by anything but a Viper. 

He could give her his Mark VII Viper, fixed up to a showroom gleam on the nose and all the modern perks of the last state-of-the-art fighter jet in existence. Lee wouldn't miss it that much. He'd get to see it and how happy Kara was flying it. But then she would probably pour all her affection into the plane and he'd get a lot of smiles and nothing else. Or her love for her trusty Mark II might translate somehow to offense, and she'd keep both Vipers as his penance.

He started to think about what he had that no one else could offer. Helo was her best friend. Nothing else explained her support of the man who regularly visited the brig to see his Cylon girlfriend. Kara knew and liked a lot of people. She was very winning at times. She could also freeze out everyone and function coldly in her loneliness. Lee didn't want to be her family. They weren't siblings or comrades in arms. 

When it sifted down to basics, his obsessive love was the unique offering he could throw at her feet. He had unconditional love for her that beggared belief. There was nothing she could do to break him from the urge to see her as much and as long as possible every day for the rest of his life 

He was the CAG. He addressed the pilots several times a day. It would be simple to slip a personal message at the end of the morning briefing. In the pilot's ready room, he was Apollo and she was Starbuck. With both of them around, sometimes the craziest plans had extraordinarily unlikely success.

"We're running what's become typical patrols lately. We have no pilots down and we have promising trainees working their way up," Lee said, cluing up his remarks. "Don't let yourselves get sloppy. Stay with your wingman. Watch out for each other and remember it only takes one second to lose control of the situation."

Kara gave a little nudge across her armrest to get Helo's attention. Lee looked at her and smiled gently instead of chiding her. "Kara, I've been in love with you since I met you, and I don't think that will ever change. Good hunting!"

Lee had felt his face heating up as he rushed to the end. He hadn't exactly been able to land on his feet and smoothly exit the room. Still, he made the door before the pilots could react much and he'd decided it didn't matter what they thought. Kara had frozen in silence, her mouth dropped slightly open.

He'd turned into the maneuver and now he had to uphold his speed if he was going to survive. 

 

"Uh-hah, haw!" Kara didn't laugh but she tried for one anyway. Everyone was turning to look at her. She made a face and shrugged. "Yeah, I think the CAG might have had a breakfast meeting at CIC and ended up with the XO's coffee. Hey, you guys wanna let me out? First CAP is mine."

The pilots mumbled and milled around, casting glances as she dragged Helo with her. The tall man was grinning stupidly and she punched his arm as soon as they were out of sight of the others. 

"Did he lose a bet? Did you two decide to mess with me?!"

"I had nothing to do with it," Karl said. "I think he meant it, Kara. I mean, he's in love with you, so I guess . . . It was a grand romantic gesture?"

"What?" She flicked untidy bits of hair behind her ear, and scowled at him.

"Well, it was a moderate gesture and about as romantic as you'd appreciate in public. I can't actually decide if it was lame or pretty ballsy. It would have been better if he hadn't run away at the end, but you can't blame a guy for trying?"

Kara started walking quickly to the flight deck. "Helo, how long have you known me?"

He gave a grin, but his eyes were solemn. "Long enough to believe you might break Lee's nose for embarrassing you on purpose. Too long not to figure you'll be nicer to him than if Hot Dog tried to profess his love at a briefing."

She shuddered, probably thinking of the awkwardness of having nuggets randomly put up their hands in class to compliment the teacher. 

"Come on, Starbuck, if you can just get to your bird you can shoot anybody trying to make kissy face at you," Helo said lightly. He thumped her on the back and tugged playfully at her Viper patch. "Don't flay Lee alive before you talk to him, okay? Maybe it's the only way he could get it done."


	2. Rouse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her stomach rolled and she actually considered the possibility that Lee's insane blabbing might require an adjustment to the ballast tanks.

A nice, peaceful CAP usually bored her to tears, but Kara was grateful to have Duck as her wingman. He was good for jokes and gossip, but he didn't need to pollute the channel with chatter. He didn't even tease her, and that was about as much as she could ask. 

She used her time to fly easily, gracefully swinging loops at the edges of the fleet. Lee was almost certainly joking in some weird way. Maybe he'd found a triad game last night she'd missed. If it was half as good as whatever bet he'd lost, she wanted an invitation to the next one. It sounded like the kind of party that needed her skills in making the CAG squirm. 

"Starbuck to Duck," she said over the open comm. "You have any idea what happened in there?"

His pause had maybe a bit of nerves, but Duck was a tactful bastard. "Duck here. Uh, I sort of figured you would have been the only one who could put him up to it, Starbuck. No one is brave enough to cross either one of you except, y'know, the other one of you."

Well, that was both accurate and made them sound like an old married couple. She made a face at a small passenger ship and mouthed a few obscenities. 

"I figured you were just acting shocked to play along," Duck said, chuckling as he warmed to the topic. "He seemed sincere."

"He'll be the first on the list when we form Galactica's theater company," Kara agreed. She was happier thinking the pilots were confused, too. Helo seemed sure of his explanation, but Karl thought she was lovable anyway.

"Maybe tomorrow we'll do trust falls," Duck offered. "Or Kat might try to start a conga line."

It was very likely a one time thing. Lee had lost a bet and had to humiliate himself at a briefing. He wouldn't get in trouble for doing it once, and eventually she might agree it was a little funny. 

"Anything is better than forty-five minutes on fuel rationing," she said wryly. Kara decided she would give Lee the chance to apologize for embarrassing her before she gave him a smack. "How's your singing voice, Duck?"

"Like an angel frakked a trash compactor," he said jovially. "Maybe not as many high notes as that, though."

"I'll save you a spot in the chorus."

 

The days were as busy as ever. Kara got in from CAP and there was paperwork and maintenance. She cut out for half an hour to eat lunch, but refused to waste her downtime looking for Lee when he might be avoiding her deliberately. She set her tray down at a table and began to eat. The ship wasn't so big he couldn't track her down if he needed to see her urgently.

She was curious what he'd been thinking, but it wasn't what Helo said. So everything was fine.

"Hey Kara," Lee greeted her warmly, plopping his own tray next to hers and sitting a lot closer than necessary. "Heard you and Duck on CAP."

Her back stiffened. He should be a little less chipper and eager to put himself too near her fists. "Yeah, what did you think of our duet?" And what the frak were you doing this morning, you idiot?

"It was really terrible. Neither of you should ever be left in the position to sing for your supper. Food looks okay, huh," he asked, digging in with quick bites. 

Kara looked at her own plate, wondering if she should ask her rice and beans why he was so frakking weird. She had a pretty finely honed appreciation of quirky personalities, but this was . . . Lee was the boring one. He did his work, he joked around but he was also predictable. She could say where he would end up every hour of his shift. 

She was the one who did crazy things and ran away, scotfree. Lee often stayed behind to explain and smooth things over, correcting the mild chaos she incited. It wasn't as much fun being the puzzled, abandoned party who had to stick around and wonder at the mess. 

"Are you on medication," she asked bluntly. 

He swallowed a mouthful and shook his head, still utterly at ease as Kara studied his face for signs of intoxication. 

"No, but it's nice of you to ask," Lee told her. "I'm actually having a really good day."

Oh, how nice. He was having a really good day. She was trying to figure out why he would blurt - things - about her to all the pilots, and Lee was peachy. And there were enough people watching them now that punching him would get her sent to hack, so she settled for asking. 

"Great, yeah, good. Hey, that back there, in the briefing was weird. What was that, anyway?"

He took a gulp of water and his face went pink as he stalled. "I love you," he said, giving a shrug that threw off every gyroscope on the ship. Her stomach rolled and she actually considered the possibility that Lee's insane blabbing might require an adjustment to the ballast tanks.

"But you said it in the briefing," she sighed. 

"I'm glad I said it. Eat your lunch, you still have a class of nuggets to teach. I'll probably be in meetings all day. See you in rack."

Lee had cleaned his plate. He stood up, kissed the top of her head and strolled away to clean up after himself. His head tipped back to drink down the last of his water, and he had a distinct swagger in his hips. 

Kara was pretty sure she was blushing. She fixed her eyes on her plate and tried to figure out how Lee - quiet Lee, proper Lee, respectful officer Lee - had made it sound like the rack he'd see her in was his own as well. 

Karl was wrong, talking solved nothing and she was worse off than before. 

Lee was going to see her in bed, and she had no idea what he was planning for tomorrow's briefing. It was enough to make her hope for an in-depth fuel usage strategy seminar with Colonel Tigh and a dozen guest speakers.


	3. Dread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knew the pilots were waiting him out to see if he'd have another strange outburst. He was a little more ready to hold position. Helo shot him a look and Kara was fixing her hair compulsively.

Kara left her nuggets with her usual warnings to do her proud and behave themselves at least enough to make it to duty on time. She walked back through the hanger deck to check her plane and say goodnight. Lee was out on the late evening CAP, and she had about an hour before he would be back. 

She could go to the rec room, take some flack and credits from her fellow officers, or she could be virtuously in bed and fast asleep before Lee was back on the ship. It would be silly to just run away and hide from Lee. They were friends, if nothing else. He wouldn't hurt her and avoiding him because he was having some kind of cloudburst of feelings was cowardly. 

Her shower was hurried and she wasn't quite tired enough to fall asleep. It didn't matter. She had plenty to ponder from the relative safety of a curtained bunk, exactly across from his own. Kara tried not to think of the three steps between them as six feet, probably a little black humour from the Battlestar designers of the day.

One nightmare of clotting, wet soil tossing down in shovelfuls and slowly hiding him from her view was enough. She hated her brain for making her feel like the ship had lost gravity, making it impossible to decide which of them was at the bottom of the grave.

 

Lee was tired as he hung up his flight suit. Sleep and plotting didn't mix well, and he was glad for all the hours he'd put in getting all the paperwork done. 

He could shower and find Kara, probably causing delightful trouble under the worship of a whole lot of people. Her nuggets were almost never ironic anymore when they called her 'God.' The casual blasphemy was now fleet history, provided anyone was recording it for posterity. Starbuck simply won better than she lost, even when the odds were stacked ludicrously to topple her plan.

He wouldn't love her so much if she didn't have a secret twist of ambition in her irreverence. He'd been to war college but she could fix on a strategy and simulate it mentally in seconds, feeling gaps and rough spots in the way her hands moved to explain it to everyone else.

His survey of the rec rooms was fruitless, but he circled back to the racks. Some curtains were closed but it was early for the pilots to be in bed. Kara's was pulled. He wasn't entirely surprised she wanted some quiet. 

"Kara?" She didn't like the curtain all the way over like that. She would wake up uneasy. Lee listened, then touched the fabric and pulled it slowly. She was lying on her belly, elbows thrown above her head. He couldn't see her face but she usually waited to see him after CAP. He never slept when she was out there at night. 

"I'm home," he whispered. "Goodnight."

 

The biggest downside to a lack of networked computers was hauling papers posed a real threat to his back. Lee finished rosters and put them in a stack to be delivered up to CIC. He signed off on the one notable event that week, a nugget getting a wrench to the kidney after suggesting someone toss it up to where he was perched atop a Raptor. 

He skimmed lists and looked for wasted resources. Kara's name got an extra moment of attention but a fraction less scrutiny. When she used up fuel, she knew she was doing it. 

Lee had told himself he wasn't under a deadline. He would use briefings to deliver a short personal message and otherwise keep everything the same. If he felt affectionate, he would hug her. If he saw a moment to help her, he would. Duty couldn't slip, so they would be moving slowly by default. 

He shuffled the cards he'd written up, looking away. Random choice seemed best for keeping his internal critic quiet. The card he pulled was one of the more personal admissions. He read it over, asking himself if he couldn't make it a little gentler to hear. 

But the briefing was a few minutes away. He had to go with it as he'd originally agonized the words. She hadn't hit him yesterday, but one of these would get him punched. It might as well happen early so it didn't feel like a setback.

 

"I do hear about what happens on maintenance shifts. If you cannot catch something, do not ask to have it thrown to you. We have ladders and the use of them is free the last time I checked," Lee said, allowing the pilots to congratulate the bruised nugget with noogies and playful shoves. 

"Don't worry, sir, the wrath of God has been known to find careless nuggets and smite them when they least expect it," Starbuck threatened cheerfully. "Or even when they do expect it, and in full view of every commanding officer on the ship. God is good like that."

The nuggets knew her well enough to shiver but not really fear her. Lee smiled and nodded, pleased her nerves about flight instruction had given way to confidence. "Point is, let's not get injured before we even leave the ship," he said, pausing to let the levity quiet. 

He knew the pilots were waiting him out to see if he'd have another strange outburst. He was a little more ready to hold position. Helo shot him a look and Kara was fixing her hair compulsively. 

"Kara, I should have pulled my brother aside when I met you, told him I was going to steal you and done it. I never wanted to hurt him, but I think it's pretty clear you and I were meant to end up together. I don't want to lose our second chance feeling guilty."

He planted his feet, squared off to the podium and nodded around the room. "In case the rest of you were wondering, I'm going to be doing this every day," he told them evenly. "I won't let it interfere with being your CAG, so don't feel like you can't come to me with issues. I think it's pretty obvious I have plenty of my own, so good hunting."

Lee took his time gathering his papers, putting them in order. He knew no one would approach him now, but he made himself available if Kara needed to break his jaw for him. It was the most orderly filing out of pilots in the history of the fleet.

 

"He's insane. I'm going to to have to go slip a note to Cottle and get him removed from duty," Kara fumed.

Helo sank into a chair and let her fume and pace, fume and pace. Larger than life Starbuck was off the clock. This was the Lee and Kara show now, and he was intrigued. He wondered how long they would have their privacy before Tigh or the Old Man felt the need to comment on Lee's version of impassioned courtship. Helo wondered idly what Lee would do if his rank didn't allow public address of the pilots to declare his love.

"Can you sit for a minute, please? You're making my feet hurt," Karl said. "Come on, Kara, he doesn't seem insane to me. He seems like he wants to focus on you and being with you. Frat regs have come to mean something a lot less strict with our President telling us to go make babies."

He shouldn't have mentioned babies, because her eyes went wide and she nearly collapsed into a seat. Her immediate change of subject was desperate. 

"Maybe he's sick. Maybe he has a brain tumor," she said, inadvertently adding to her own panic. "What if he's dying and he knows and he's just saying this because he has to settle up with all the people in his life?"

Kara could make a basket of adorable puppies an omen of death, he decided, exasperated at her. She really was the most hardworking pessimist he'd ever met.

"Or maybe he's in love with you and he doesn't feel like pretending anymore," Karl said reasonably. "Like a relationship you could have instead of one you pretend does not exist."

"But how does that even work?!" She wriggled around, unable to shake her shoulders from the knots forming. "Should I go ask the Old Man about it? I don't want Lee to be in trouble and I'm not mad. He says he's fine. Yesterday he said he was great! I should tell his father."

"You want to go ask Lee's father for permission for his hand?" The wonders, the vaulting privilege of being the confidant of Galactica's most chaotic pilot astounded Helo sometimes. He adored her for many things, but the entertainment value could not be oversold. 

"No! I mean, this is out of character. This is really, really too - Lee doesn't do this." She thumped her hand on the table, shaking her head. 

"Maybe he saved it all up for you, Starbuck," Helo said happily. "I'm glad he said it, too. I kind of get this now. He's laying down all his cards. He's giving you a bit at a time and letting you get used to it. Would you really want a three hour conversation about his feelings, in private?"

She was going to hyperventilate unless someone acknowledged how surreal it was to have Captain Lee Adama casually declaring his intentions from a podium in front of his pilots. But the only thing more stressful than a courtship during pilot briefings was sitting down to have to cope with all of Lee's feelings at once. She could barely form words about him, without the pressure of saying them to him.

"You think this is his way of making it easier on me?" He really was insane, and maybe Helo was catching it, too.

"I think it might be literally the only way he has of trying to really be with you out in the open. There's something wrong with him, but the something is that he's lonely for you," Helo said. "He misses you and you're right in front of him. That sounds like love to me. Sometimes people need it to be official."

Official. Great. What the frak was remotely official about anything anymore? Was she supposed to find a white dress and some flowers? 

"What, you think the Commander and the President will throw us a wedding," she mocked. "How official could we possibly make it?"

Her friend shrugged, grinning. "Roslin wants more babies, and Lee is a patriot," he said. 

So Kara hurt her hand punching Karl. It made her feel a bit better.


	4. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill did his best to think back on the whole conversation. He genuinely didn't understand how two good friends couldn't tease one another without someone needing to use 'self defense.'

Bill Adama carried a lot of regrets about his failures as a father. He was aware Lee had felt his failures doubly so, both as the abandoned child and the surrogate father to his younger brother. Where one had continued to look forward to visits and gifts, the other simply gave up on having a father who mattered. 

Being trapped on the same ship in flight from Cylons was hardly the way to foster a genuine reunion. With Lee, Bill tried not to push. He made himself as open as he could, while protecting his ability to command. There were a great many more people to care for after Lee and Kara. They were special, but every soul mattered. 

He could think back unhappily on his decision to extend the search and rescue for Kara long past the point of pushing everyone's luck. It was a risk he'd had no right to take. The gamble worked, and a small thaw occurred between father and son. The time for being close, sharing feelings, was dead and gone with Zac. But Lee knew he wasn't just another officer fed to the Battlestar to let it keep fighting. The time to make amends was precious.

Allowances were given, because allowances were earned when Lee and Kara just pulled victory from the void of space and hellacious flying. Bill liked being able to be proud of them working together. He never wanted to see them split up. The Lee he saw with Kara was a whole person, able to live in a way he'd shut down at his brother's loss. 

There were unfortunate moments where the intersection of fatherly pride and the discipline of a commander intersected at awkward moments. He had been shocked to turn a corner to find Kara punching Karl Agathon in the face, and even more shocked to hear Lee ignored an order to write her up for the infraction. Bill was adept at looking the other way for small issues, but he couldn't have one of his top officers starting fights in the corridors. 

"Lt. Agathon says he 'had it coming' and 'Starbuck was just responding appropriately to provocation,'" he asked, reading it haltingly from a report. He looked at his son evenly. "I know Kara's friends. It doesn't mean we just excuse this behaviour. This wasn't a stray punch in the gym, Lee."

Lee nodded solemnly, his hands folded in his lap. He didn't need a copy of the report. It was his favourite reading lately. It was downright encouraging.

"There's a longer story with more personal detail than is really warranted," he said calmly. "I've heard both sides and I know it is settled between them with no hard feelings. Karl said something to Kara regarding the - Presidential suggestion to have babies. It veered too personal in a way he meant as a joke. She responded with a bit more force than she should have, though both tell me it was self defense."

Blinking, Bill tried to work his way through the fleet speak to the actual events of the fight. "Are you trying to tell me Lt. Agathon inadvertently sexually harassed Kara, and she was offended to the point she hit him? Kara isn't exactly shy or easily threatened. Is there a relationship between them beyond friendship," he asked. 

Lee hid a frown at the thought. It was something he'd suspected at one point before seeing how they spent their time. He was more likely to find them playing a prank than flirting. "Nothing like that, sir. I think it was banter that went a little too far. Lt. Agathon is fine. Kara missed a CAP to take care of her hand. I felt morale was better served by leaving it a private matter."

It was hard to pin down the exact level of responsibility Lee felt toward Kara, Bill thought sadly. Sometimes he felt there was too much and other times the distance between them was like an artificial divide they maintained. 

"Kara is your friend as well," he observed gently. "Are you perhaps upset at Lt. Agathon for being inappropriate with Kara? Is this a decision you can uphold objectively?"

"Again, the details make it clear no one was in danger and it was a case of pilots running off at the mouth. I know Kara can hold her own and Agathon is no threat to her," Lee said, thinking ahead to derail any other concerns. "Both of them understand what happened was unacceptable."

Bill stood up, the better to push his point. "But Kara was defending herself, and Agathon was making overtly sexual remarks to a female officer of the same rank. You're not at all inclined to be upset on her behalf?"

Lee damned his father's overprotective streak, and shook his head. "Karl was not himself threatening or even suggesting they have a baby together, sir. He was referencing Kara and an absent third party, uh, aiding in the repopulation. I don't feel there was a physical threat intended by him or felt by her. It was a kind of teasing."

The more he had explained, the less the situation made any sense. Bill squared his shoulders and loomed over his son. "Who was the third party," he asked. 

There had been many, many excruciatingly contentious meetings between them, and Lee thought he might have reached a new record for feeling small under his father's and his commander's stern gaze. 

"I don't know the third party was mentioned by name, sir," he said. "I assumed because they are friends, Kara and Agathon both knew the man to whom he was referring. I thought it best to let the matter blow over."

It all sounded reasonable in his head, and well supported by the scant documents he'd put together. A meeting over a stray punch wouldn't have been an issue if they were seeing any Cylons. Lee just had to give his father enough reassurance to let his own closure of the file stand. 

"I've spoken to Kara off the record, and I know she feels remorse but that it was an isolated incident," the CAG said confidently.

Military discipline was a fragile thing. Good examples were essential to keep people acting as they should off duty as well as on. Kara had always had her lapses. Karl Agathon was no angel. Even Lee had a mutiny on his record now. 

Bill did his best to think back on the whole conversation. He genuinely didn't understand how two good friends couldn't tease one another without someone needing to use 'self defense.' It had been a while since banter with his shipmates was something he could allow himself, but he'd had his days. He'd never been punched.

"I am going to let you handle the immediate issue," he said finally. "But we are in close quarters and likely to be that way for a long time. It's true the President would like to see population growth. I've expressed my concern that my active crew cannot simply pair off as they will and obey. But I think on a more basic level, we'll have to review the policies on fraternization and sexual harassment. Talk to Colonel Tigh about large scale seminars for the whole crew."

Lee nearly sighed. It was a very inconvenient time to be reminded the rules and regs didn't want he and Kara to be together at all, and even worse timing to be tasked with giving sexual harassment talks. The irony alone was unmerciful, and he couldn't slip a personal message to Kara between points on Battlestar co-ed shower etiquette. 

"Yessir," he agreed. 

As long as he didn't get the order to stop talking directly to Kara in briefings, he could continue. Lee refused to give up when he had such a hopeful sign as Helo's black eye. If Kara really didn't care, she didn't waste a punch reacting.


	5. Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helo wouldn't minimize Lee's feelings for the sake of Kara's comfort level. It wasn't as if they had ever had a peaceful, entirely platonic relationship.

'Buck was going to figure out a way to burn down the joint, Helo thought. They could vent all the O2 and she would huff and puff and put it all back. Tigh was going to be so pissy.

On the upside, all her spite could probably push her to figure out the way to Earth, deliver the fleet safely, take a joyride out to destroy the Cylons and then set up a flight academy so she didn't have to feel grounded on her new home planet. We can rename it Thracia, Karl decided, the whole planet. And if she lets Lee out of the brig I can see them finding a way to be a couple. 

"Someone said something to the Commander," Kara said sourly. "The little frakkers went and tattled and now we get to sit through chapter and verse that boils down to 'don't stare in the showers' and 'don't frak your superior officer' even though we all know that. We need training time and maintenance shifts. We need frakking sleep and some idiot decided to be offended by Lee! Lee! Who gets offended by Lee Adama?!"

Lee was a pretty charming guy when he wasn't being super CAG. Helo didn't hold any grudges for his immediate reaction to Sharon when the Old Man was still healing a bullet to the chest. He also knew the rules with Starbuck and Apollo were clear. Starbuck could trash talk Apollo and Apollo could trash talk Starbuck, though notably more tactfully than she did him. Anyone else who attempted either crime would quickly find themselves very sorry and missing strips off their ass. 

In fact, the harshest he'd ever seen Lee talk to Kara was when she'd been ruthlessly castigating herself for the loss of a nugget. Apparently the corollary to the rules was that not even Starbuck was allowed to be too hard on Starbuck, or Apollo was going to be right there with plenty of opinion to drop heavily on thicker heads. Or he would hug her cruelly until she went cuddly and was forced to absorb some of the affection. Holding Kara to his body was basically the most extreme version of punishment, comfort or reward Lee had evolved. 

Karl admitted that might be part of the confusion between his two friends. It would be hard to sort out the angry superior officer hugs from the terrified unrequited lover hugs. To say nothing of the best friend waiting for an opening to profess love hugs, or the pretending to be casual hugs. He was starting to get a little offended by Lee on Kara's behalf.

"Um, actually, I'm pretty sure the Old Man saw you hit me . . . so, that probably set off the seminar," he offered mildly. "And I would say Lee offends you pretty regularly, but I thought it was how you guys flirted."

"Frak me," she said 

"See why we need the seminar? Words can be deceptive," Karl said sagely. 

He had nursed his bruised face less than an hour before the CAG came calling to talk about the fight. Lee had taken all the official information and filled out the right forms before he settled back in his chair and pushed the paperwork away. 

"I guess I owe you a free shot," he said wryly. "I'm sorry. I'm not quite sure how my upsetting her led to her hitting you instead of coming after me."

Karl was pretty sure Kara would punch every other living person in the fleet, starting with the Commander rather than risk making eye contact with her other half. He wasn't mad. There did need to be someone to referee the whole undertaking.

"Kara is kind of terrified of you right now," he said. "Always, actually. Your opinion might mean more than any other person's. You know the worst punishment for Kara is to be nice to her when she feels like she's not worthy."

Lee's mouth flattened and he looked away. That was definitely shame. He knew his power over her and he knew he might be verging on coercion. 

"You think I should stop?"

Anyone who told him not to love Sharon would get a vastly deserved beating. Helo wouldn't minimize Lee's feelings for the sake of Kara's comfort level. It wasn't as if they had ever had a peaceful, entirely platonic relationship. They had been sparking off each other so brightly it was about the only thing he'd heard about other than the initial battles he'd missed. 

"I didn't say that. It's obviously real for both of you and it's going to all have to work out somehow. I'm not sure there's a speed of slow within human lifespans that would give her an easier time," Karl said carefully. "I'd rather it happen on the ship instead of in some life and death situation where it gets you both killed trying to save one another. But the regs are also real. If she starts to believe in this and has to choose herself or you, I won't forgive you for not having a plan."

Kara felt alone many times in her life. She never had been, but she never believed it, either. If Lee finally convinced her and dropped the ball . . . Karl couldn't allow any illusions about the stakes. 

"It won't come to that. It won't hurt her to be with me," Lee told him. He meant it, but his tone was less sure now. He was a good soldier. People couldn't be exactly themselves because an army had to function as a single defending limb with a sole purpose. It was in his job description to send Kara out to fight, potentially to die. 

"It should hurt, sometimes. It shouldn't make her be someone other than who she is. And it shouldn't be impossible. I just need to know you're not setting Kara up to lose what she has with you because she needs to pretend she's fine when it doesn't go further than friendship. Now, right now, she has you at her back. If it goes sour, will she still have you and be able to trust you like she does now?"

Fingers tapped uneasily on his paperwork, a reprimand for Kara that would be about as hard as melted butter from the warm look in the CAG's eyes. He sighed, slouching with a worried rub of his lower lip. It was a gesture picked up from Kara, and made Karl want to bow out of the conversation gracefully. 

Lee was all the way in love. Kara was more cagey, but she loved him back. They should be allowed to have a life together, even in midst of worlds exploding. Life on a battlestar was so cramped, short on privacy and filled with duty, Karl had trouble picturing where Lee and Kara together could fit. They were too big for this ugly, useless war. 

"I never claimed to understand her completely, Helo," Lee finally ventured. "I can make her believe me. When she believes in something, reality just gives way. We can fight for it. We're fighting for everyone else to live. I want to fight for us to live."

Frak, it was all too close to home for a guy with a pregnant girlfriend who was also an enemy combatant living in a cage. He had barely been able to touch Sharon since she'd turned herself in, and it hurt knowing she was there but not palpable. It hurt trying to imagine her boredom and the scorn she received from almost everyone. In some ways, he'd had more of a future hiding on a bombed planet than after his homecoming.

Love was amazing and should be protected. People needed to have lives made of more than duty and honour. Kara's suitor also needed to be very realistic before Karl could throw support behind a frankly insane strategy to a stable relationship. If it was just loneliness or some sexual tension, a few fraks might be all it ever added up to be.

"You and Kara are too famous in the fleet to get away with sneaking around. People will know. No one would care if it was just another example of crazy, slutty pilots, but it's more than that because you went public," he said. "The Commander might make an exception. Hell, I might go and ask him to make an exception. But do you have a card in your back pocket to play if he shuts it down? It would kill her."

Lee looked ashamed again, this time sitting up straight and stacking his paperwork. He looked like he wanted to airlock himself for attempting to lay claim to Kara. 

"I just love her, Karl," he said quietly. "I fell into it and it's wonderful. I want her to be there with me. I waited and held it in because I wanted to be sure I wasn't just grasping at the only person I had left. I didn't want to build up friendship and attraction to this insurmountable obstacle that will eat up every waking hour of my life. I didn't plan it. I won't give it up."

The good answer was perhaps to tell Lee to leave his friend in peace. Karl felt himself nodding. He believed Lee. It was likely too late to push things to a status quo always teetering Kara's mouth closer and closer to the CAG's as she teased him figuratively out of his starched uniform.

"I'll help her where I can," Karl agreed. "I won't help you, but I'll help her accept it. For the record, before you do any reprimanding, I'm perfectly okay with getting a punch every day of the year from Kara."

The cheery smile breaking on Lee's face was jarring. "She punches like her fists are twice the size they are," he said proudly. "Like a brute, with such skinny knuckles. She's going to have to cut back on the punches. Doc says it's wearing out joints faster than flying."

Then both men were chuckling at the notion of Cottle sternly ordering Kara Thrace to stop punching people for the sake of her hands. Karl hoped he never lived to see the day it was hard to believe she'd punched someone. 

 

The corridor outside the briefings was busier than it should be. People had started congregating near the ready room to overhear what they could of the private business of the CAG. PIlots held their tongues in front of her, but Kara knew they were gossiping. She glanced at her swollen hand and contemplated an accidental shooting to a gossipy nugget. No one would miss just one nugget.

There was a telling pause as Apollo finished up his official remarks and took a breath. He held the podium and gave a little steadying nod. He had given up trying to hold her gaze the whole time. She couldn't handle it and Lee seemed like he was trying to respect her ambivalence. Hell, her punishment for punching Karl had been extra wide CAPs with minimal check-ins to CIC. She'd escaped all but the last hour of the harassment seminar. 

Yesterday, he had simply said, "You're effortlessly beautiful and just as effortlessly brilliant a pilot."

It tripped every point on her internal dradis, and she was feeling outnumbered by stray thoughts he planted in her brain. 

"Kara, you have to be wondering why I'm doing this. I know you don't like having your personal life put out there for everyone to see. You're uncomfortable around me now, and I am sorry about that. I could write it down but I'm not sure you'd read it. I could tell you, but I think neither of us would get through that whole conversation. But it's important for you to know how strongly I believe in us."

She cupped her hands in her lap and imagined 'us' as a concept. It was warm and precious, a little wild animal unexpectedly rescued from the cold. Kara had tasked Karl with paying attention to Lee's words because she had to fight her mortification. She couldn't allow this to be too direct an experience.

"I think we can do anything together. I think I'm willing to be whatever you want, but you wouldn't ask me to change. And I'd never ask you to change because you are somehow everything I have ever needed from anyone in my life," Lee said clearly, no longer embarrassed after a few days of regular soul baring. 

Kara risked a glance and he was looking. She studied her cupped hands and pictured the us creature. It was slinky and furry, a skinny fox kit needing care but winding fearlessly between her fingers as she held it longer. 

"We had years apart and it didn't matter. You absolutely do not exist for me, because that would be so petty and limiting. But if something happened to you, I believe the way I love you would demand you exist so hard you would have to keep being here, and being you."

She really needed to cut his ego down at least to fit into his cockpit, Kara told herself. His whole fated love routine was giving him a complex. It was a terrible time to find herself tongue-tied. 

"I can't take credit for how amazing you are, even when I have moments of being tempted to think my dreams conjured you out of stars and every other burning thing in the universe," Lee said, his voice going lower with seriousness she thought was a little much for an extended come on. "But you've never burned me. Not once. Not once."

Kara had both hands wrapped around Helo's wrist. He was going to have start wearing protective gear around her. She could almost feel a brush of fur winding around her feet as she listened to the appreciative sighs of several female pilots.


	6. Burnout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It took her about a full day to have a reaction to his previous briefing, and by then it was time to brace for impact on the next one.

Kara kept her head down for a week, but nothing else happened. She had been feeling persecuted, actually forced to listen to Lee's matter-of-fact compliments and gentle promises. It didn't count that they were only words. He never even attempted a hug, just read her body language and correctly decided she was absorbing his words. 

Helo continued to think the whole thing was hilarious and wonderful. The pilots were going to hurt their necks trying to simultaneously watch Lee bashfully get mushy and her reaction. No one from CIC had yet stumbled onto her personal lovefest. 

Pushed into playing secretary, Helo had been taking notes for her to more effectively obsess herself with what to do about Lee. He seemed fairly sane. He sat with her for meals and spoke to her very affectionately, but that was really just polite Lee being polite with an added amount of 'poor Starbuck, she's got nobody.'

She used to be able to sit with other pilots, but all they did now was stare. They were better at shutting up about it than the people who didn't have to work with her daily. She didn't recall asking for outside opinions on Lee's physique, personality or likelihood of being a good father. 

He never joked when talking about her, and it often veered toward serious topics that ended the briefing on an anxious note for all the pilots. 

"I used to try to imagine what my life would be like if you hadn't hotwired a Cylon raider and rescued yourself from that moon. I spent a lot of time on the little details, like who I'd run with in the morning, and who would cheer me up on bad days. I gave everyone I know by name a trial run in my head, but I couldn't picture it. Never worked, no offense to any of them. If I was still here and you . . . weren't, I'd just be the CAG. I'd be an officer and there would be nothing else for me."

Fury had scoured her insides of self-consciousness. She'd wanted to stand up, climb over the seats in front of her and show him what it really was to take a beating.

"Kara, eventually the Commander is going to notice the several dozen people who like hanging out in the hallway to overhear what pilots are saying as they leave. He's going to start asking what I think I'm doing using this time, taking away from duty to devote to you. He'll be shocked. He never really read the signals right between us. If it comes to it I'd take a demotion, but I'm not going to let him convince me he sees you as a daughter so I should see you as my sister. That was never how it was, even when I thought of you as my brother's future wife."

She got stuck on so many feelings and expectations. She didn't want the Old Man to hate her. But it was better for him to blame her than his own son. Lee could say it didn't matter, but it would hurt him. 

"I know you don't think you want kids. I always thought I did, but this life makes a difference. I would like to have a dog. We can go on family jogs. Scruffy can bark in cadence or something."

He had named the dog they didn't have. Kara wasn't even sure there were dogs anymore. 

"I've figured out something that's creepy but useful. About three or four days before you get a cold, I can tell from your breathing when you sleep you're going to get sick. If I can pry some vitamin boosters from Cottle, you're better inside a day. Just to point out the practical aspect. I am willing to make myself useful."

Lee was always useful. Her frakked up knee would never have healed half as well if he didn't take over her physio therapy and bully her back to work. He would provide for her, and do everything in his power to make her life better and safer. It would be unfair to the other pilots to be with him, because that bias would eventually come through in orders. 

"I was jealous of that pyramid player you met on Caprica. I felt bad about it, because no one should have been left there trying to survive. He sounds like he's a good guy. If we go back and rescue him, I'm not going to quietly step aside for him. It's a miracle he lived through the end of the worlds, so he got his. You're my miracle. I'm not into sharing. The universe has thrown enough distractions between us."

She'd never been distracted, not really. Pilots needed to be able to see ahead and to the side. Lee was always at her side, because he was protecting her flank. She put threats and unknowns dead center, ready to fire at will. Lee didn't require shooting, and it hadn't shut him up when she shot him by accident.

"I've always admired your paintings and how you don't worry about people liking them if you're pleased. Creativity is so personal, and I know you sometimes feel judged, but you shut all that down and just paint for the love of it."

She hadn't told him anything about painting but he knew. Lee's artistic ability went about as far as good cursive writing, and he was able to value her messy, chaotic work from years ago. She could barely remember her own paintings. 

"It doesn't make any kind of sense, but I find you relaxing. It's your job to get the nuggets all worked up, and in general you can be scary. I always look at you and my heart rate jumps for a few seconds and then it calms. I tell myself, 'Kara is here, things have been much more lost than this.'"

She was not responsible enough to be everything for him. He was going to be let down, and she didn't see a way to convince him to choose anyone else. Kara didn't know if she ever could, but she knew she couldn't pretend to be happy to see him with another woman. She didn't love Lee enough, because she was too selfish to want the best for him.

 

Lee had been wrong about her. Seeing his feelings written down, a long recitation of deeply emotional reactions spanning years, shook her. Kara also read every word, carrying the notebook around and only giving it up for Helo to add that day's notes to her collection of answers to questions she'd never been brave enough to ask. 

It took her about a full day to have a reaction to his previous briefing, and by then it was time to brace for impact on the next one. The crowd acting casual outside the ready room was disproportionately young and female. They had all managed to get their hands on some makeup and styled their hair. If Lee needed consolation, he had a ready-made harem. Kara put her head down and walked past them with long strides. She ignored a few brushes of hands and some encouraging words. 

"If you don't want him, I can take him," a female voice offered from a safe distance. Giggles erupted, and it was impossible to tell which of them to knock out. 

Kara turned in the hallway, feeling people tense with a degree of satisfaction. She gave her best toothy grin, making it sharp and chilly. "Tell you what, if he even notices you trying to take him, you'll probably have to run like hell. People think I'm crazy, and I think he's crazy. Frakker scares me to death. Fair warning, he's a square package wrapped around a box of whips and blades."

She slipped the notebook to Helo as she sat down. Arriving at briefings had become something of a struggle. The Lee Adama Fan Club outside sometimes got brave and asked her what she was going to say when he asked her to marry him. 

That, at least, was an obvious answer. No classy proposal ever happened in a room full of horny pilots hyped up to fly. Her respect for the sanctity of marriage demanded she say 'frak you.' If he asked her nicely, properly, she'd faint, so that was covered. 

Up front, Lee shot her a smile before he started his CAG talk. She listened, eyes forward. This required focus and it was her job. He knew better than to shortchange the pilots when it came to safety. 

A card came up, signalling the end of official remarks. Lee read it over quickly and she wondered why he was suddenly nervous again. 

"Uh, Kara, I haven't always been a good person in relationships. It wasn't just distance or duty. I was a jerk. I didn't know what I wanted at the right time and I screwed up. I was seeing a woman on Caprica and left her when she got pregnant. It was a few months before the worlds ended. I don't know what she did. I preferred to put it out of my mind."

He paused, taking a breath. "I would love to say I've grown since then. I hope I have. Mostly I haven't participated much. I was seeing a woman for a few weeks but it wasn't exclusive and I regret it now. It was a way to keep myself away from you. I'm not losing focus again. You are someone I love enough to raise a child with. You are someone I would never leave, even if being together is never possible. You were always an exception. You get whatever you want from me, even if it's nothing."

Kara studied a scuff in her flight suit like it would be the difference between living and dying. She let everyone else go away and continued to sit. There was no getting used to this barrage of unwanted confidences. She couldn't handle this much of Lee without also having the comfort of knowing she could go to him and vent. 

She was wired all wrong to be in love.


	7. Static

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We need to talk over the feelings math on this one. I'm basically convinced you know what you're doing."

Karl Agathon skipped dinner and he loved dinner. His stomach was glad for literally anything after the time on Caprica choking down whatever he could find and hoping the radiation meds let him keep it down. 

He was doing it for Kara, and he loved Kara, too. He just had to make sure she didn't catch him, or she'd forget she loved him long enough to shoot him. 

The CAG had an office for paperwork and meetings with individual pilots. It wasn't used much for either when Lee could find a quiet spot elsewhere. It was theoretically near the flight deck, but off to the far side from any other useful areas. If Kara saw him headed there, she would know Helo hadn't suddenly been given an assignment to count the stores of extra cutlery and household linens. 

He jogged up to the hatch and knocked, hoping Lee was there. He had started leaving it later and later returning to his rack at night, presumably in deference of Kara's feelings. He still crouched next to her bunk to say goodnight, and she still pretended to be deeply asleep. 

Karl had been attempting his best neutral fixed position, but Lee Adama was a good speaker. It was obvious he meant every word to Kara, and was going to continue baring his soul daily. Unfortunately, the whole thing was catching on as an entertainment. People clogged the corridor hoping to glean details of the latest Lee and Kara gossip. They had fans cheering them on and offering unsolicited opinions on the matter. 

Kara and Lee were doing their best oblivious routines, pretending they weren't celebrities in the fleet. That left Helo to be aware of all the twists in the plot, the crazy theories and the very contained responses Kara concealed. 

"Hello?" Lee looked kind of spooked to get a visitor, nestled as his office was between empty offices for officers the ship didn't have, and storage rooms for rarely used supplies. "Karl, come in. Can I get you a drink?"

"I'd love one. Hey, I'm gonna leave this hatch open a bit," he said. "I don't want Kara finding me here. She doesn't need the meltdown of thinking we're working together on your whole -" 

Scheme seemed too harsh and another word escaped him. Karl quirked an eyebrow to signify whichever alternate phrasing Lee preferred. 

"I understand. I don't want her to feel picked on. This version of Chief's brew is, um, the stronger stuff I had to confiscate. Definitely for sipping," Lee said. 

They sat on chairs in front of a loaded desk, and Karl's gaze landed on the stack of note cards that comprised Lee's appeal to Kara. 

"You know how I was helping Kara but not you," he asked. "Well, this whole thing is turning into a circus, and it has the potential to take out a couple of decks when it explodes. So I'm still not helping you, but as an officer on Galactica I am helping the ship not get blown up."

Lee hid a smile behind his glass. "Duly noted. Is she okay?"

Kara was too quiet. She had no sense of humour about the sensitive feelings she was sorting as she read Lee's words. She also had to see the reactions Lee was getting from the other women on the ship. He was starting to get a reputation as a romantic leading man, and the accompanying batted eyelashes and pouty smiles sliding slyly his way. 

"She's mulling it over. She's listening to every word, and she has me writing them down even though she's memorized all of them. I think the initial realization she wants you will be the easy part. That she could realistically have you is what trips her up," Karl said. 

He tried to count by looking, getting the distinct feeling Lee wouldn't want anyone touching his precisely stacked piles of forms. 

"Twelve days in, and you have how many cards left?"

"Eighteen, a total of thirty. I wasn't sure I had the nerve to go this far," Lee said, looking sadly at them. "She doesn't talk to me anymore. I need you to tell me if I should drop it."

On day two or three it had been a possibility. Now it would plunge Kara into a chasm of defeated self-worth. 

"She's starting to believe in it. Not that anyone thought you were lying, but I guess we all thought maybe you'd back down without any encouragement," Karl said. "If you stop now, she'll think you changed your mind about her being worth the trouble. I mean, she carries that notebook around like a baby. I get it for ten minutes a day."

Lee looked immensely pleased to know she was taking in what he was saying at the briefings. Karl felt a little bad for leaving the bad news until last. Kara was good at protecting what she had with Lee, and didn't hide that he was her friend and above her rules for most people. What she'd never done easily was surrendering to the idea of a real commitment. 

"Hot Dog told me she nearly got into a fight with some of the fans outside the door. One of the women offered to take you off her hands and Kara called you 'crazy' and 'a square package wrapped around a box of whips and blades.' But he said Kara made it sound kind of arousing, all the same, and she was not amused at the kind offer. This is about to get one of you into trouble."

"I need to talk to the Commander about my rank," Lee said firmly. He looked ready to pop out of his chair, glass of moonshine and tanks notwithstanding, and march to the Commander immediately. 

Helo cleared his throat. "About that." 

The pause then was a long one, both men trying to tactfully frame things to say about Kara Thrace that would get them both killed if she heard one word of it. Helo wanted to be supportive and let caution fly. He also wanted the fleet to keep the CAG and Deputy CAG right where they were professionally.

"We need to talk over the feelings math on this one. I'm basically convinced you know what you're doing. You get one chance at it and you've thought about it. But Kara has so many sore spots and old wounds," he said sadly. 

The glass lowered and then went right up to be drained in one swallow. Lee blinked back the burn and nodded. His jaw was a little tight, but he was hardly as intimidating as their mutual friend. 

"The way I see it, Kara's brain works in total resistance to this whole idea. She can't grasp it, except as some error in judgment you're making about her. It doesn't stop her from having all the feelings but she also has all the logic jumps people get around feelings. And I see three possible outcomes," Karl said.

"It works, or it doesn't," Lee said wearily. "What's the third one?"

"It works because both of you go all the way to make it happen, it doesn't work because one of you loses nerve, or it doesn't work because of something beyond your control," Helo corrected. "And you're going to have to pour another drink because this will be a bit insulting."

Taking the suggestion, Lee poured two more and settled in to look as dispassionate as possible. He was beginning to get a bit of the Starbuck gleam in the eyes, that anticipatory impatience that meant shit was brewing. 

"If you're not sincere about taking a demotion, or even a dishonourable discharge, the Commander can spike the whole thing. One of you might die, or get captured. One of you might fall out of bed and get amnesia. That stuff you can't possibly plan for, but that doesn't make it a distant threat. It just is and neither of you can think about it long enough to feel helpless. You might have to get her arrested and thrown in the brig to have your baby, with no idea how it will shape up into a life together."

Lee pursed his lips and raised his glass in a mocking toast to the universe that gave them such unwieldy romances. "To rolling the hard six. I'm not insulted yet, Lieutenant."

"That was the easiest one to hear. If it works, it will work because you both think it will. With you and Kara, it's always going to be on you to keep her convinced. It will always be your fault if she stops, and you'll always be responsible for putting more in than she does," Karl said, trying to keep his tone even. "You will carry your own blame and hers, everyday forever. She might pull all her usual bullshit and you're going to have to forgive all of it. The trick is you cannot mind having to hold up more than your end. Kara grew up on resentment and she'll see it."

It was hard to talk as if he was betting against them. He really hoped Lee was able to shoulder all the issues Kara brought with her, and keep them from drowning the positive feelings. He wanted his friend to have a genuine love with a good man. 

"One of you backs down, wants to go back to just friends, taps out a year into it, loses interest after you have a kid," he listed, giving as many examples as he could because he hoped Lee had an answer to shoot him down.

"It's still gonna be your fault you couldn't do the repairs to make it fly. You won't ever be able to take her for granted. You won't be able to overwork and neglect her. She will need you in front of her, telling her you're still there. You started this and it's on you if it ever breaks down beyond fixing. There's no friendly breakup with Kara. If you ever screw up, you're scum. If you let her screw up, you're equally scum."

"Frak." Lee downed his second drink and took Helo's untouched glass. "I'm beginning to realize why we never talked much, Karl. It's chilling how convinced you are I have no shot of making this work."

Grabbing the jar and drinking from it rudely, Helo grinned. "Actually, if there were a pool, and I were one to bet illegally, I would bet on you. You popped the cork and let all the feelings out, is all, and Kara responds to that the same as a declaration of war on the shell that's kept her alive. Breaking her heart is killing her, so you and I are going to plan how you don't."

The CAG was showing the beginnings of drunkenness. He shook his head and had to grip the seat of his chair as he covered a belch. "I think your lecture on feelings math gave me a stomach ache," he observed. "Whatever I do, I'm at fault, unless it's a good thing and then I have to share credit with her?"

"Feelings math is terrifying," Karl agreed. "But you know flying and I'm here to tell you what to do when you get to the redline in another three days. We plot it like jump coordinates and battle runs. Takes the pressure off."


	8. Resistance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She overdid it sometimes, and tried to make a party out of the end of the worlds. It wasn't news she drank too much and Lee noticed.

Resistance

The debate team had never demanded he play both sides of the issue like this, moving first pro then con and back again in equally persuasive points, dueling his own devil's advocacy.

Lee had anticipated Kara's reaction to his cue card propositions in stages. The first one, though she should have seen through him as easily as she called his bluff in triad, was surprise. The second stage was her rationalizing the whole thing as some kind of nobility he did not possess. The third stage was using her considerable strategic thinking to throw down obstacles he hoped he was addressing. He couldn't answer them in order, because she was tight-lipped and desperately casual when they had to talk. He had put himself in her place and go for the worst case scenario. 

Kara loves a worst case scenario, he thought warmly. I don't know how to break it to her she loves me, too. She prefers to think of her heart as a charred hunk of meat with too many bites taken out to trust anyone else to value her. 

She would talk herself out of wanting him, maybe for his own good, or out of some sense of fairness. She would tell herself it was only a matter of weeks or months before one of them died and burdened the survivor with unconscionably heavy grief. She would deny the moments when her body shook as he spoke to her, ideas about belonging to each other rippling her moat until she had to face one of them with haunted eyes and no weapons to kill a yearning. 

Stage four was falling inexorably in love with him, which was his personal favourite and also probably the one that might kick his ass the most. Kara was unpredictable as a friend and fellow pilot. Her undivided focus could break his back. Making it happen and then making it last was as daunting as facing a Cylon Centurion with only his toothbrush. 

Talking with Helo helped, but there were 18 cards left and some of the things he had to say were terribly personal. Kara used sex as anesthetic and entertainment. She got too drunk and did things he couldn't accept in his partner. It was only fair she heard his expectations before she accepted him. 

He had three more days of briefings before he was supposed to switch up his tactics, and Lee wasn't looking forward to that day's message. He needed to say it, and Kara needed to listen to it, but it was one of the ones he expected might get a punch. 

At least she'll have to touch me to hit me, he thought. Friendly arm squeezes and unthinking hugs were a lost art. They shuffled around one another with more "excuse me"s than the entire time they'd known each other. Rough and loud Kara Thrace had been replaced with a diligent soldier and a perfect lady. 

Lee really hoped she got rude soon. It was freaking him out seeing the amount of etiquette and graces she could use to keep him safely to his side of the bunkroom.

"Kara, I'd never want you as a person to change. That being said, sometimes you don't seem to like yourself at all, and I'm saddened by that. You're a good person, valuable. When you're reckless with your safety or your health I worry you'll never be able to be comfortable in your own skin. Your drinking worries me, though I realize part of that is military culture and camaraderie. I think the other part of it comes from your past, maybe your family life or people who didn't treat you well," he said, letting the awkwardness come out in his words. 

"I would never let anyone hurt you, so I can't let you hurt yourself. You have to let me do that, because I can't watch you be self-destructive. It's what's known as a 'deal breaker' I'm told. I am also told, though I don't know if I agree completely, it would be too hard to be your support system and your lover. I would want to give you both. It makes more sense you were able to cope on your own and not fall back on some wild Starbuck reputation to keep people at a distance."

Lee stepped away from the podium, forgetting he had to dismiss his pilots before they could go. He looked at Kara as she studiously memorized the ugly industrial carpet. Helo cleared his throat and tapped his watch face. 

"Ah, good hunting, see me with questions," Lee stammered. He shoved the card in his pocket and recalled Kara's CAP was much later. She would be stuck on the ship, hearing his words repeated and embellished with every retelling. 

He didn't judge her. Everyone drank too much. It was one of only a few things they had left. Lee wanted a life with her, and if they didn't die by violence he wanted it to be a long one. He couldn't relive his mother's spiral down into a bottle of wine earlier every day. 

 

Kara sank into the rack with slow movements. She pulled the curtain and let the nuggets figure out she wanted silence if not peace. Helo was flying, she had a weird schedule gap where she'd normally do some Viper repairs, and all she could think about was Lee calling her a drunk. 

He hadn't meant it like that. He was concerned. She overdid it sometimes, and tried to make a party out of the end of the worlds. It wasn't news she drank too much and Lee noticed. He didn't want to be with her if she couldn't let go of the stupid Starbuck morale boosting binges. 

People who called love unconditional were morons. Everyone had things they demanded. Lee was a morning person and she wasn't sure she could live with that, for frak's sake. She caught glimpses of the Old Man or Zac in Lee's gestures. It reminded her how dangerous a choice he was for her to love. 

He'd paraded her weakness through the ready room, and she felt like a charity case. She was back on the first day of school at a new posting. Her hands sweated as the teacher introduced her, because she would have to talk about herself. She had just moved, she had no siblings and her father was long gone. A pet was out of the question and her drawings were about her only talent. No, she didn't want to show a few of them to the class. Yes, it was okay to be shy. Yes, she would make friends there. 

Poor, little pathetic Kara had only figured out how to make friends the day she took her first sip of alcohol and burst into a giggling persona she'd hardly imagined. She'd been Starbuck long before the name was bestowed upon her. She wasn't sure she knew a different way to exist. 

Lee was wrong about her coping skills, because she was cherishing every word he said to her from that podium. It took enormous effort to hear so many wonderful, tempting things could be for her, knowing privately she was the problem that made them an unsuitable couple. 

Before he called her a drunk, she'd even thought she was coping pretty well with her disappointment.


	9. Potential

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I made you feel like that and it was unforgivable. But when I say something like that, I hope you understand it's not judgment. It's a howling fear you'll leave me to do this alone," he sighed.

"She hates me," Lee said hopelessly. "I shouldn't have - that was too personal. Saying it in front of the pilots was as bad as if I deliberately set out to destroy any confidence she's managed to hold on to after her mother."

He knew the secret of Kara's arrogance, and had never envied her the charisma that drew attention. She had nothing to lose in her estimation, so she was cocky. People loved her or hated her, no middle ground left to consider her rationally. She thought she needed that help, allies won over by silly moments and enemies made with her fists lashing out. 

There was so much more to her than impulse control issues and a habit of drinking too much. He knew he hadn't been saying it right. Fitting his experience of the most important person in his life into a few sentences never said all of it. She was supposed to be able to take his words with a big grain of salt. Love made him an idiot, and even Lee knew that about himself.

"What do you think Kara is doing now," he asked Karl uneasily.

The other man shrugged. He had tried to find her, only to chase clues through the ship and wind up looking at an empty bunk. Starbuck was out, and might be unavailable until her next shift fourteen hours later. 

"I know you want me to say she's at a Triad game or in some workout room we've all forgotten. She's short sheeting Tigh's bed and stealing a Raptor to joyride in an asteroid field." 

"But she's not, is she," Lee sighed.

Helo nodded. "She's holed up somewhere in a dark, ugly part of the ship where no one in their right mind would hang out, even for privacy. She's depressed but she can't even drink because that would confirm what she thinks she heard you say about her," he said. "Notice my wording there. You didn't call her a drunk. You said it was an aspect of her life that concerned you. Hell, she was never going to take that well."

Without a drink, Lee didn't know what to do with his hands. He folded them together and lifted them to prop up his chin, sick with his own stupidity. 

"I can't do all of this from the briefings," Lee said "I have to get Kara talking to me again, like we used to spend time together before I started pushing."

"If you give up on it now, she'll call it off forever. But yes, you do have to talk to her. That last card felt like you were talking about more than her. The cards where you got really open about your feelings blew her mind. It was a jump start for her to think about things she assumed about both of you. That was useful and it might cause some teasing but no real harm. You know someone messed up Kara's childhood. It's an obvious weak spot."

He was going to have to airlock himself and hope it gave Kara a chuckle. Helo was trying valiantly to phrase things without blame, and Lee knew what he'd done. He just couldn't work out how to fix it without being even more personal in the briefing tomorrow. He would beg for her forgiveness, but he needed to live long enough to get the words out. 

Kara's buddy must like him a little bit, because Helo clicked his tongue. "Hey, do you have anything to wear that's not a uniform?"

"Some black pants and a dress shirt," Lee guessed. "Nothing special."

"All my jeans went missing when I was left on Caprica," Helo said regretfully. "Okay, you dress down as much as you can and I will find out where she is. I'll set up a meeting but you need to be very honest and very careful. It wouldn't hurt if you could reveal a weak spot of your own. I think this demands a new card, and I'm going to read it over before I let you talk to her. I'll get Kara willing to listen but I'm not going to let you make her cry again today."

What he wouldn't give to have Kara punch him in a quick fit of temper.

 

Lee ducked pipes and hatch wheels on all sides, wondering how Karl squeezed through to find Kara. She had chosen a spot where it widened to a little room, but it was still too tiny for furniture or standing upright. He winced at the cold of the crawlspace, knowing Kara often dressed for the gym and not the chilly corridors of the ship.

"I don't suppose it matters I don't want you here," she said snidely. Her mostly bare back was against a cold metal wall, but there was a big sweater tossed over her legs. Karl had obviously left the protein bar and the bottle of water as well. 

"I screwed up," Lee said softly. "I have to make sure you got the apology you deserve. And I need to explain myself. You can hit me first, if you like?"

His pleading tone made her roll her eyes and flick a hand at the tiny space left to sit opposite her. It was a miracle Helo had been able to get in and out without getting stuck. Lee took the offer eagerly.

"You're pretty dressed up to come tell me I'm being overly sensitive."

"Most of my clothes are uniforms," he said. "I wanted to be clear this is me, not your CAG. The briefings . . . I've been putting the two sides of it together, hoping it wouldn't mix badly. The things I said yesterday should never have been part of any briefing. I had this weird system of random selection to pick what I'd talk about. I thought it was okay but I didn't have anyone to check me before I did it."

She didn't look sad, but Kara was great at holding in emotions. She smiled and joked or broadcast boredom. 

"Helo helped me today, probably out of pity. He's still very much on your side of any violent murder plot you might need to undertake against me, so it doesn't really change anything."

Her face gave nothing back, no flicker of bare recognition he was there. It was all he deserved so he pulled out his newest card, vetted by Karl.

"What I said was about as much about me as it was about you. I am self-destructive, I drink too much. I feel worthless because my father always made me feel worthless, even if he never said it specifically. It's what I heard when he spoke. And it doesn't help a whole lot that he's my only remaining family and my commanding officer. When he says my rank, I hear him distancing himself from my failures. When he says my name, I hear him airing his fatherly disapproval. When he calls me son, I just get confused how he means it."

Lee watched her hand wrap in the edge of the sweater, winding the fabric around like wrapping her fists before sparring. He was out of words on the card. 

"I made you feel like that and it was unforgivable. But when I say something like that, I hope you understand it's not judgment. It's a howling fear you'll leave me to do this alone," he sighed. "I'm not good at being open, either. I really only know one way to do it, and that I learned from you. I blurt the craziest, truest things I know. Most of them have been strange to hear, but they didn't hurt you. Today I hurt you. I'm sorry."

Kara nodded in a general way he was stupid enough to be encouraged by. "What was that shit about a deal breaker? I mean, where the hell are either of us going to get away from each other," she asked.

He looked up an inch at the very tiny hellhole she'd found. "Apparently, the least comfortable service hatch we can find," Lee joked weakly. "I honestly have no idea what I meant by a deal breaker, or what deal or any other options. My option is Kara, 100% of the time, whenever you'll put up with me. I made the mistake of doing some reading on relationship counseling."

She hissed a laugh. "Frak, no wonder then."

"Never again, I promise," Lee told her. "I know we're codependent. If I'd cared to do anything about it, I wouldn't be trying to get you to love me."

Kara whipped her eyes up and stared at him. "I am not ready for you to just throw that around. And I might get offended a lot more times."

He nodded. "If you could - not disappear. It's sort of my greatest nightmare and it doesn't lead to good decisions."

She lifted the sweater and pulled it on, bending almost flat to get it over her elbows without knocking them. "That explains your shirt. Let's get out of here before it gets a horrible grease stain."

He carefully rose and began the crouching walk back on cramping legs. Kara was quicker behind him, and he saw she'd given up on walking and was just going on all fours, sometimes sliding on her sweats along the metal. 

"You realize I come with a whole class of godless, fatherless nuggets that I literally have to put to bed every night," she asked. 

"Hey, I'm the CAG. Those are our asshole kids together," Lee said easily. "I mean, I'll even start taking my turn getting up during the night to yell at them to go to sleep."

He could sense her smile, and nearly clipped his ear with a hatch wheel going around a turn. "They're good kids, Kara."

She sighed. "They are, even if most of them are hopeless at Triad. A whole class of nuggets who can't frakking bluff."

The endless little tunnel was behind them, only a few more feet and a hatchway to go. Lee wondered if he should pause before getting out and make sure people didn't see them crawling out together. Then he decided to leave it up to Kara if she cared to be seen with him. They were connected, by duty and personal ties. People linked them without ever seeing them interact. 

"My mother was the one who called me worthless," Kara said quietly, lightly. "But at least she had the nerve to say it directly. It was something about her I could respect."

Lee grabbed the hatch and wished there was room to make eye contact. "They were both wrong, and I don't believe it."

He waited, but Kara was silent, and after a few seconds his back twinged to be back in the spacious main corridors. Lee stood up and held the hatch while she did the same. Her eyes were a little red, but she was calmer. 

"I might advertise for a babysitter for the nuggets," she said. "Maybe give you a real reason to get dressed up for me."


	10. Harmony

"I think they're frakking, guys," Kat announced in her typical loud and satisfied tone. 

The doors to the pilot's ready room were shut until about a minute before the briefing, CAG and Deputy CAG locked up inside to 'plan a special briefing' in Kara's words. Karl was happy things had been repaired enough to get both Lee and Kara in the same room without needing a referee. He was also cringing at the way every square inch of hallway was filled with boots attached to very interested third parties desperate to know what they were doing in there.

He was kind of curious, but it wasn't his business. He would hear the next of Lee's cards and see Kara's reaction. Karl didn't need the gory details of whatever it took to rebuild her trust. 

"Ready room is for planning the briefing, nugget," he said coolly. "Obviously, God and the Boss aren't wasting time in there fondling like two nuggets reliving prom. They're getting information ready to spoon into your slack jaws in the hopes it keeps you alive a few days longer."

"Sir, sorry sir."

"Don't be sorry, nugget, just mind what you say. I know we're all closer than just our ranks. Doesn't mean we're not our ranks, too. Starbuck and Apollo have saved all of us a few times. Their willingness to baby bird the nuggets until they can find the cafeteria and stay out of the way of the Marines is an exception to the general rule."

Karl looked over the group of assembled pilots, doing a head count on Kara's behalf. He skipped past all the young women who had no reason to be there, then all the off-duty personnel trying to hang back and look like they just happened to be unavoidably stuck in the crowd on their way somewhere else.

"Hey, non-pilots, at least some of you have to be on duty elsewhere," Helo barked. "I'm going to count back from ten and anyone left after gets to go to the briefing and look really awkward when God and his shining CAGness notice they seem to have picked up new strays. You don't want to know how Starbuck and Apollo express their disappointment they aren't getting fresh new nuggets to teach and bully."

He feigned being very preoccupied with his cuffs and most people fled without hesitating. The last few responded to his wry glance with a quick retreat and giggles down the corridor. The door opened with no fanfare, and Starbuck waved the pilots in with an impatient look. 

"Day's wasting, get in here so I can tell you how you're killing your CAG," she said sourly.

The pilots took their seats with a minimum of conversation, all of them faintly disconcerted at the spectacle of the CAG lying prone on a table in front of their seats. He had his eyes open, in clear defiance of Starbuck's insistence that he play dead convincingly. 

"Good morning! Just in case you're not intentionally trying to shorten Captain Adama's life by decades with your every frak-up," Kara said scathingly, "-I thought it might be instructive to see how your actions result in ridiculous amounts of paperwork and suffering."

She turned away and picked up a tall stack of papers. "These are the post flight reports about bad landings, lousy flying and generally insane behaviour not caused by yours truly. That's about three pounds of paper."

The thump of the stack as it was plopped next to his body made his lips quirk with with brief humour. Apollo quickly sobered and tried to look blank as Starbuck looked at him sternly.

"Your fuel consumption is this stack," she said. "It's two pounds of paper on a regular week. If anything - literally any single contact during a CAP, even if it's mistaking a chunk of rock for a frakking Cylon long-range unmanned probe - happens other than completely routine patrols it doubles. Last week, it doubled four times, and that was without any actual enemy contact."

The table wobbled as another mountain of papers slammed down, rattling the table and making the CAG blink. He inched away from the toppling stack of papers, only making it fall more quickly. 

"See? Do you see what I mean? Our computers are not networked, for security reasons. So your CAG," Kara flicked his arm. "-has to carry this stuff around to submit to his superior officers."

"It's terrible for the back and hardly good for his morale," she continued, adding piles of papers where they could fit around Lee's limbs. "Here's the duty rosters, the maintenance logs, the disciplinary files, the personnel updates, the supply requisitions, the eyes-only briefing notes - You will notice the table is about to break, and it's not because the mess hall serves such amazing desserts."

The pilots were slowly gaining confidence, some of them barely holding back snide remarks and laughter. Kara stood behind the podium, taking a more professional pose.

"I know you're all concerned, since this danger to your CAG is obvious. Luckily, you can help by being better pilots, respectable officers and decent listeners. For those of you who haven't gotten to that last one, I'll say it again. Fly better, be less sleazy and listen to orders. Your CAG will certainly be grateful for your consideration, and if not I do my best, most enthusiastic smiting of nuggets who torment the CAG with incompetence."

On his theatrical grave, Apollo picked his way around the papers and stood up. He turned to Starbuck and his body language was relaxed and loose. 

"I have noticed you like to torment me personally and with premeditation," he said. "But it would be nice to have less paperwork. Thank you, Starbuck."

She grinned and gave up the podium. "You're welcome, Apollo."

Hot Dog put up his hand and bravely asked a question. "Sir, are we still doing a briefing after this? Like, the end part where you . . . talk about feelings?"

Helo wasn't sure if he should duck and cover or admire the younger pilot for having the nerve to ask. He decided he would make sure Kara's notebook was out as if he was very prepared to capture every moment of devoted CAG wooing. It couldn't hurt to demonstrate his usefulness. 

"I am, but you shouldn't worry about it, Hot Dog," Apollo said easily. "Even if Kara rejects me, I don't find you remotely attractive. Good morning pilots. I have some work to deal with before I talk about feelings, so listen up."

Kara dropped into the chair next to Helo and sat up straight, somehow managing to be utterly impassive and professional while radiating smug satisfaction. Karl was willing to bet it would never come to Lee having to find another person to romance during briefings.


	11. Chemistry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A part of her bristled with rage at Lee's casual declarations spilling across her entire life. People watched her with him. She couldn't separate the feelings about him from the way they stared.

Kara stopped pretending to read the book she'd borrowed from Helo, squinting unkindly at the group of loud nuggets. She had her notebook tucked in the waistband of her sweat pants, ignoring it despite her perception of every scrawled word. 

Lee's words called to her, and that was the best reason she had to resist her obsession. Those moments in the briefings when he spoke directly to her were her favourite part of the day, but she didn't want to lapse into fantasies her real life would tear limb from limb.

It was infinitely more interesting reading than the worn pages of the novel. She kept reading a paragraph and losing her spot, ending up back at the top of the page. The last attempt had made her realize her nuggets needed an actual babysitter who could take them off her hands once in a while. One of them had stitched a ball from old towels and they were playing an improvised game tossing it while climbing across the tables and hanging off bunks. The cheers and spirited trash talk were irritating. The repeated jostling when a nugget stomped on the edge of her mattress broke her away from her rec time. 

"Frak off, nuggets! Head to the gym with that ball or it will never be seen again," she yelled. "But whoever made the thing might feel it in the six!"

There was a little grumbling in the ranks as they cleared the room, but she graciously ignored their minor blasphemies. Kara stood up with a sigh, replacing the borrowed book on Helo's rack. She crossed her arms and stared at Lee's collection of very boring personal effects. She knew he had a few photos of his family, but the rest was small belongings he'd gathered even with the end of the worlds. They had very compact lives here on Galactica, but there was enough good to fear losing it. 

The things she felt she could lay claim to were few; her own self at her loudest and most challenging, her fellow pilots, her Commander, and the very specific way Lee pronounced her name as if it gave him a mysterious accent never to be placed. Those were just as good as piles of valuables. The currency in her life had always been people who could be trusted to be at her back when she needed help. 

Kara had grown up poor in a house with food and clothes. She'd gone broke the day her father left. Losing people wasn't something she could be philosophical about. 

Lee didn't want to stand still and be her backup. He wanted to move nearer and hold her steady. Kara had never been able to settle, not for anything or anyone. The closest had been his brother, and even that was about hiding and keeping every intimacy glaringly private. 

She was afraid of Lee. He was threatening her with changes she'd never been able to anticipate. The latent attraction between them sparked, sometimes burned, but was always extinguished early. They didn't have anything underneath them to build a life together. 

Kara knew she carried scars from her childhood. Her mother's presence was perhaps worse sometimes than having no parent. The grief of being abandoned carved disappointment into her mother's soul, making Socrata Thrace bitter and mean. Kara wasn't sure if it had been unavoidable, but she knew the same bitterness had filled her when Zak died. 

She wanted to be brave, but her boldness wilted. Her chances taken were lost. She was only alive because Bill Adama sensed the destruction boiling under her grief and took her onto Galactica. 

Lee wanted to call it a second chance. She thought it might be more of a faint hope. Making light of the pressures of survival didn't discount them. She didn't need one more person she might let down. 

I'll let him down if we don't try, she thought unhappily. And he obviously wants to, so it's on me to turn him down. He's letting me decide and it's my fault whatever happens. 

A part of her bristled with rage at Lee's casual declarations spilling across her entire life. People watched her with him. She couldn't separate the feelings about him from the way they stared. She knew she was outspoken and flashy sometimes, but she liked her other moments of quiet routines and going unnoticed. 

She was expected to choose. There was pain waiting either way, and she didn't want to lose her friend to awkwardness and hurt feelings. She didn't want to change his reaction when he saw her walk in a room. It was intoxicating to have someone want her, but she couldn't let him throw away everything else. 

The Old Man wouldn't understand. He might not even try that hard to comprehend his CAG and flight instructor falling in love. If it was love, not just friendship and camaraderie inflated in the extremes of their lives, their ranks didn't allow them to single each other out. 

Lee should be one more brother to her, in a ship full of brothers and sisters at arms. He was one of a handful of officers she reported to, which put him on a short list of people she couldn't cross the lines of her work and her future.

She wondered if she could use Lee's affections to fly more CAPS. He let her cover an extra one every rotation, and a second if he was really stuck. Her downtime was getting tiresome, half-hidden in her rack trying to avoid answering questions about Lee, especially the ones from her own mind.

The man himself walked in a few minutes later, flushed from flying even though he'd stripped his flight suit down to his waist. She looked him over, unable to summon the nonchalance she'd worn before. Lee looked good to her, handsome and fit. She loved him, and that fondness meant she saw the best in him and responded. It would be easier to make decisions if there was less to admire.

"Hey."

"Hi," she nodded. 

Lee continued pushing the suit down his legs, stepping out and giving it a sniff test before hanging it in his locker. They all tried to go as long as possible between washes, because the material itched terribly right after it was cleaned. Of course, it started to itch and stink if they went too long. It was one of his many talents as CAG to gauge the best of two poor options. 

"Everything okay," Lee asked her. He glanced her way as he pulled toiletries from his shelf. "You look aggravated."

Kara sighed. She didn't mean to make him so nervous about her moods. "I had to chase the nuggets out. They invented a game called either Rack Ball or Quarters Quorum, depending on who you ask. I suspect the most points are given for being brave enough to step on my bed while I'm in it."

He dropped his shoulders as she gave him an eye roll. "I did hear about something involving a sporting goods enema for an innovative pilot," he said, bending to sit next to her legs. "I thought we could have lunch once I shower?"

They used to assume one another's company and now they were this awkward pair trying to figure out if they could be a couple. Kara shrugged. She might as well be tense with company and food.

"I guess. It's better than having your sweaty ass on my nice, trampled bed," she told him. "I'll get ready, too."

He sat up straighter, lifting his chin in arrogant CAG fashion. "You should feel honoured, Starbuck. My sweaty ass doesn't frequent just any rack."

Kara stood up, slipping her feet around him. Lee followed, looking at her that frakking deep way she was uneasy about. She walked a little fast to her locker.

"Kara?"

If he proposed, she decided she would kick him in the balls and call it an accident. She didn't turn around. "Mmm?"

"I feel like this is weird. We go to lunch all the time," Lee said quietly. "I'm not in a hurry. You don't have to feel under the gun. What's bugging you?"

She gathered her soap and toothpaste, pulling a sweater off the hook. The toothpaste was down to dregs, and she would have to go to a Triad game at some point to win another one. 

"I'm okay," Kara said, shaking her head. "It's just - I don't know. Are we even compatible? There must have been some instinct holding us back all the times it could have happened and didn't."

He smiled, chuckling as he moved closer. She tensed, but he put a fingertip to her hip and angled her around. 

"That instinct is what you'd call self-preservation," he told her. "My theory - and please remember I am not pushing you - is you and I wouldn't come up for air for at least a month. It would be fantastic, by the way. I'm picturing us sprawled helplessly across a big, soft bed, utterly useless to everyone else for the duration."

She felt herself swallow hard. Kara realized she had both hands splayed over his sides, lining herself up with his body and bracing against her locker. 

"Lee . . . " Gods, she could picture it. Her legs were going rubbery and her skin tingled across her front, urging her to press herself on him. If he kissed her, she'd agree to any frakking insanity he suggested. 

"But you have to make up your own mind and this is new for you," Lee said kindly. "We're not there yet."

He pulled away gently and grabbed his stuff, walking toward the showers with customary long strides. "Kara, you coming? I'm hungry."

She watched his naked back and forced her legs to move as if their trembling was incidental. She was in such trouble, and apparently this was Lee playing fair.


	12. Lift and Trajectory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pilots had gone silent, all of them paying far more attention to pleasantries than they had to the information they needed. That bizarre little aside to her was somehow the most orderly and professional part of the briefing. Helo was taking notes, as if writing down compliments would matter to the Cylons.

Unevenly polished boots stopped outside the door, the owner leaning idly against a wall. He glanced over his shoulder and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it before some crewmen barely out of puberty showed up and made him feel guilty for polluting their pink lungs. 

The Old Man wants me to poke my head in on the briefing, so I'll do it. He has his reasons. 

And if he didn't have his reasons, Bill Adama had excused many lapses from his XO. That obliged a few nonsense tasks without having to justify the orders. Colonel Saul Tigh didn't spend much time with the pilots. He thought they were a rabble of cocky, undisciplined egotists, led by Kara Thrace and Lee Adama. Bill had a vested interest in both officers, and some of the XO's supervision was done unofficially by the Commander. 

Lee could be a good officer, given the strictures of a full military and the potential to advance. As it was, the CAG's ambitions could only become reality if someone died. Unfortunately, Galactica had taken on more than a few strays in the years before it was meant to decommission. Promising soldiers rarely aimed to work on the oldest ships in the fleet. 

Starbuck was a larger problem. She treated her pilots like VIPs, rewarding them for doing their damn jobs. They were necessary, but not nearly as self-important as she puffed them up. 

Tigh finished his cigarette, frowning. Inside the room there was muffled laughter that went too long and wasn't curtailed. Kara made her pilots think they could get away with anything. Lee gave her the same impression. The lack of people meant pilots had formed a little fiefdom. 

Let's give the clubhouse a kick and see who runs out, Tigh thought. It will get them to work instead of socializing.

He opened the door, stepping as silently as he could. He spotted Lee plucking pages from a table mounded with them. He was reading statistics. The pilots weren't as shut up as they could be, and Kara's head was turned back toward Racetrack. 

"We need to take it easy on our planes. If a part can go another month before replacing, try to get that month out of it. The Chief, Starbuck and I are working on training for nuggets to help machine common components. Stockpiling materials to keep the Vipers operational is a long-term solution. As a favour to me, try not to break anything unless you're using the broken off chunk to defend yourself."

The boy wasn't doing anything about the noise. He even grinned when Starbuck whipped around to add her commentary. 

"What the CAG means is I will be smacking knuckles with a socket wrench when I see you wasting new parts instead of cleaning up and calibrating them," she said. "Because we're all trying not to kill our CAG, right nuggets?"

They mumbled an insincere agreement. Lee shook his head cheerfully. 

"Thank you for your concern," he said. "Kara, it is very nice to know you have my back. I appreciate it every time. I like to know you're looking out for me, and I like knowing we are equals. Good hunting. Enjoy your flights."

Starbuck had gone completely still, watching Apollo. The pilots had gone silent, all of them paying far more attention to pleasantries than they had to the information they needed. That bizarre little aside to her was somehow the most orderly and professional part of the briefing. Helo was taking notes, as if writing down compliments would matter to the Cylons.

Tigh scowled. Apollo ran his pilots, but he was technically supposed to advise the basic military protocols of the department. Joking around and conversation was natural in a good squadron. Lee had allowed it go toward singling out favourites. 

It was one thing to know your superiors were friends and another to see one person getting praise that had nothing to do with the job. Tigh wasn't sure if this was the point of his visit, but he would address it anyway.

Starbuck's arrogance doesn't need the encouragement, he thought sourly as he slipped away. 

 

The squeak of marker on the board diminished the quiet of the room, but he ignored the sound. The CAG had to have ears like a bat, and also be selectively deaf and blind to indignities that came with the job. He turned and took the podium while the pilots lifted their eyes to the single word he had written in large red block letters: 'Boundaries.'

He didn't mean the flight plans for the CAPS. Kara's eyes were wide and her mouth formed a pout he knew she would hate to have let slip.

"I have thought about how far I am willing to go with this," Lee said, trying to keep his posture at ease and his tone neutral. It came off a little chilling, and he winced, ruining his previous effort. "That sounded menacing. I'm not crazy. I am able to accept rejection and reprimand without going rabid. What I'm trying to say, mostly to Kara, is I understand you have reservations."

She nodded, unconsciously. Her hands fastened to the arms of her seat like they were glued, but she forgot to hold back her head gestures. Beside her, Helo glanced to see her relative calm and nodded as well. 

The other man had become the safety valve to this weird courtship, and Lee was happy to have someone other than himself who could spot Kara's upset in fine detail. She hid things from him and he comprehended why. It wasn't nice to feel left out, but he was counting on these public conversations to make them closer. 

The notion of scaring her off so badly they weren't friends wasn't a thought he allowed to exist. If he broke something they already had, he would fix it and improve it by pushing past their waiting game. If Kara hurt him, he would forgive her. Lee had run through most scenarios in his mind, and forgiven them ahead of time. 

Frankly, he'd felt like she'd cheated on him on many irrational days. Being open about it was nearly enough to lose all bitter memories. People had always sensed he and Kara had a claim over one another. They deferred to him because he never shied from her temper. He even liked it when she hit him. Kara liked to swat him on the chest fondly, giving him the opportunity to play it off like a carnival strongman. 

"Some of the details are private, but some are obvious," he continued. "I honestly don't think I'd lose my job. It's not really an in-demand position, as far as I can tell. If anyone is gunning for my job, they've been playing it really sneaky. It's a privilege to serve. It is also a pain in my six. I might be demoted, but we have a shortage of officers. My daily duties would probably be exactly the same no matter what."

"The Old Man could ground you for being nuts," Kara suggested, her voice starting out a bit hoarse. She grinned, getting bolder as Lee smiled back. 

He shrugged. "Very likely, actually, but you might go to the brig for corrupting an officer with a sterling reputation," Lee told her. 

Her blonde hair was gleaming, just as soft to touch as it was to look at feathering along the collar of her uniform. Her smile was spreading along the ranks, other pilots happily sitting through ten minutes of wasted time. The seemed to be keeping mostly silent about what exactly was said, and Lee knew those rumours were worth name brand booze and real cigarettes. 

The pilots had seen him pine over Kara for a year. He guessed they were trying to give him a chance

"Maybe what Lt. Gaeta and I have is real," she said, tilting her chin. 

It was funny only because Lee knew she found the Lieutenant prissy. Gaeta was too buttoned down and squared away for her, and she would need to do a lot of corrupting before he would suit her personality. 

"Beautiful, talented and funny," he quipped. "I'm going to have to up my game. I'll find someone who can teach me to juggle."

Helo put up his hand, and it figured Kara's best friend would be skilled in jesterly entertainment. 

"A volunteer! Thank you, Helo. Seriously, I am willing to sacrifice to make this work. The worst consequence I anticipate is getting stalled where I am, both in rank and duties. If I took on more duties in the future, my rank might not increase with them. I wouldn't enjoy it, but I've seen the end of the world - twice. Losing a promotion is not nearly as bad."

Kara's arms crossed over her middle. "He could ground you, permanently," she said, sounding really worried about it in the way only she could talk about flying like oxygen. 

He wanted to hug her. She looked so earnestly concerned. Lee was saving up moments with her, building a mental library of ways Kara showed she loved him despite herself. They were hanging out more, and she was trying to be comfortable about him. He was ambitious, and it hadn't gone away. His ambitions had shifted to a personal life he'd let wither when life had been less precious.

"I might not fly again," he agreed. "I love flying, but I always assumed I'd eventually be doing something else. I had been planning to look into civilian life. I love you more than flying. None of us are doing our jobs because we're chasing military honours. The fleet needs us. I'll serve in whatever capacity I'm allowed. If they do fire me, I'll take suggestions on other jobs."

On cue, his loyal pilots yelled jobs ranging from potato peeler in the mess to Vice President. They had many hours stuck in their planes to think creatively and hone their sarcasm. 

Helo put up his hand. "Sir, the fleet could use a few good lawyers. Our particular version of a justice system seems to only have the death penalty or rotting in the brig."

Sharon had no legal counsel. She was fed and given clean clothing. Helo had been able to visit and bring books. She wasn't even allowed a water bottle, in case she used the glass to cut someone. Lee nodded solemnly. He wasn't sure how Sharon should live, but she hadn't shot his father. He didn't feel good about the hardship her imprisonment put on Helo. 

"My grandfather was a lawyer," he said. "But I have always dreamed of scrubbing toilets, thank you Duck."

Kara was still a little too serious, probably thinking of losing her own wings. Lee met her eyes. 

"I enjoy flying with you, Kara, but the company is more important than the job. I was much more worried about you not being able to fly when you got hurt. I'd be okay with a new career," he told her. 

She hadn't lost her worried look. Lee shrugged, wheeling back to wipe the board clean. 

"One more thing, if you don't mind. If we are going to date, I'd really like to see you without all these weird friends you keep bringing along. They're nice, mostly-" He scanned the room, making a face that implied a few of them were unsavory. "-but I think we need some alone time. Maybe you can let me know when is good for you? Dismissed, good hunting."


	13. Discretion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill didn't want to dredge up hurt feelings and overstep his command with Lee. Father and son bonding was a process, one that he hadn't mastered.

"Your son needs to get better at hiding his feelings," Tigh said wearily. "The boy's running his briefings like a slumber party. It was all chatter and throwing himself at Starbuck's feet."

Bill was careful to hide his smile. Saul would gladly keep Kara's flying and dishonourably discharge the rest of her if he could. Kara loved flying enough to almost take the deal, if not for her friends in the squadron. They were all tired, and he imagined everyone had moments of feeling defeated by minor difficulties.

Battles were simple. The skills required bricked off whole sections of an officer's life, leaving skills and loyalty. Climbing out of the cockpit felt messy in comparison. They were all tired, and he imagined everyone had moments of feeling defeated by minor difficulties.

"People need to have friends, Saul. It's natural Lee thinks about Kara a little more than the others. She's good to him and she's a reminder of Zak. I know you think I'm too easy on the pilots, but the stresses on them are different. It's not easy to embrace potential death with a sheet of glass as the divide," Bill said easily. "How is Kara?"

He could admit to himself she was on a short list of favourites. Galactica was fortunate to have someone so talented on the stick. Lee was his family, but Kara was the dynamo that ran his squadron. She brought the reckless energy necessary to carry on when everything turned against them. 

"It's like a damn cult to worship her, Bill. Lee ended his briefing thanking her for all she does and going on about being glad they're equals. A solid minute while the other pilots took frakking notes. Meanwhile, what looked like a month of confidential reports was heaped on a table and she just sat there like a queen," his XO said bitterly. "You know I don't like her, but that was a Gods-frakking mess."

"Professional standards are at a bit of disadvantage here, Saul," Adama said, chiding mildly. "We know Lee and Kara are friends, and treating that as something secretive or shameful only starts rumours. The crew has to socialize amongst themselves. The pilots are our front line. I'm reluctant to demand strict adherence when it doesn't interfere with their jobs."

His old friend seemed to weigh his words, an unusual thing in the privacy of quarters. Bill liked to know he had one person who would openly tell him he was full of shit, even if he was the highest ranking officer of the fleet. It kept him honest.

"When she crashed on that moon, and we all thought she was dead, you and Lee were still trying to save her," Tigh said flatly. "You were both insane with grief and you had to believe she was alive. Not for her, for yourselves. I think you were coming around by that last attempt. He wasn't. Her life outweighs the fleet to Lee. I don't know that he can order her to complete a suicide mission. Starbuck would go, but she'd basically be fighting her CAG to do it."

Realities like that made Bill want to go back in time and be a pencil-pushing desk Commander. He could have raised his sons first hand, instead of on visits home. He might not have been able to save his marriage, but his family would have been a daily part of his life. Dying when the Cylons returned would have been just as much up to fate as out in space on Galactica. 

"We don't fly suicide missions, Saul," he said wearily. "But frankly, if Kara knew it was important she wouldn't need to be ordered. What Lee felt about the order wouldn't change her sense of duty. I don't think it's fair to judge my son's performance on hypothetical missions."

The set of his mouth was clearly in disagreement, but Saul nodded. "You're the boss. I just know rank has to matter. Even if your superior should be three ranks lower, even if you love your fellow officers and even if you're in love with one of them. This isn't a fleet because we're all equals."

Bill didn't want to dredge up hurt feelings and overstep his command with Lee. Father and son bonding was a process, one that he hadn't mastered. Calling out feelings and special treatment that didn't exist was guaranteed to cause problems. He couldn't wish for peace in his duties, but he could preserve it in his personal life. 

"If I hear about it from someone else who's in a position to complain about the briefings, I'll have a meeting with Lee," he said. "You can update me if you notice anything else. You know, I sent you there to make sure there wasn't any tension between Lee, Kara and Karl Agathon."

Humour lightened his friend's answer. "No, I think Helo knows enough to duck and cover so the other two can have at it."

Bill winced. It was funny to think of for Saul, but his son with his late son's fiancee was uncomfortable. It had to be twice as bad for Lee. He sincerely hoped Kara hadn't developed any hopes in that direction. It would never work out.

It was just a conversation not worth having, for the good of both Lee and Kara. 

 

"This is horrible," Kara said bleakly. "I don't know how to date normally. This is frakked. Do we just join the other couples star gazing? Meet up in the mess for a disgusting tray of whatever they're serving, while everyone stares?" 

Helo was modeling her one dress, draping it across his body as he put his shoes on her bunk. They had thrown out the nuggets to terrorize the messhall, but Kara was too knotted up to eat ever again. Her friend was no help, sanguine as he was about Lee's invitation. 

"Request leave to go out. Go to a real restaurant," he suggested. 

"He's the CAG and I'm Deputy CAG. We can't both go."

And her one dress was the same one she had worn to frak Baltar in a mistake so putridly vivid her jaw ached thinking of it. Lee had been right to punch her, if only to knock sense into her stupidity. His last date had been with either a prostitute or Dualla. 

"I can watch the kids for the night, Starbuck," Karl teased. "I'm a great babysitter. Firm but fair, no ice cream before dinner and absolutely no tv until their CAPS are flown."

He fluttered her dress at her and she snatched it away. It was the wrong thing to wear to make a beginning with Lee. A dress and high heels would put too much pressure on the evening. At least in casual clothes, they wouldn't be advertising they were on a date. 

"Quit it, Helo," she said sharply. "I need you to be good at this because I am not. I was engaged, okay, but I never dated. I went to the academy and I went out, but if I hooked up with somebody it wasn't ever planned. This premeditated thing is killing me."

He sat up, looking at her mildly. Helo never took offense, and she loved him for it. 

"I'm sorry. It's not that funny. I want things to go well for you and Lee - which is a very real relationship that had both of you spending most of your leisure time together, by the way. Calling it a date shouldn't turn you both into morons."

Kara refused to reply to that, because she was worried they were going to be morons. 

"Okay, let's try this," Helo tried. "If you and Lee magically had a day off at the same time, and you weren't needed here, what would you plan to do for fun?"

"I guess sparring, in the gym? Maybe lunch somewhere on Cloud Nine, if we can scrape together a way to pay for it without washing dishes. We'd walk around in civvies and waste our time instead of knowing there was too much work and not enough day to do it, then have drinks somewhere nice."

As she spoke, Kara pictured it, her mouth forming a smile she lost as soon as she realized it was there. Her dress was shoved roughly into her locker in a box she used to hide her un-Starbuck items. 

"That doesn't sound particularly inappropriate, even if you only wanted to be friends," Helo told her. "I wouldn't feel weird if you invited me for something like that. Military protocol can't demand you spend your free time alone, sitting on your hands."

She sat down next to him, gritting her teeth. "I don't know why I can't be calm about this. I've spent a lot of time with Lee. I've lived on Galactica for years, and I know people gossip. I need you to help me, and I don't know how you can."

He nodded, patting her consolingly as she ran out of frustration. Kara smacked his leg. 

"Help me!"

Karl rubbed his new bruise and frowned. "Lee will do whatever you want," he said. "I'm pretty sure if you wanted to throw stuff at him he'd sit quietly and applaud your aim. He's not a different person now. He loved you all those times you sat next to him all night at Triad, flirting your ass off."

She tensed, kicking her feet and slouching. She believed in Lee's feelings and Helo was trying to help. Under the heat of Lee's candor and charisma, she felt warm and certain. The effect didn't stay with her when people muttered about them. It wasn't doing anything to quell her nerves. Planning things with Lee might work out, but she was more likely to slap him and run away. 

"He's always so happy to see me," she whined. "And I'm not sure what to do to keep him happy. I hate being this silly, paranoid girl."

Karl's arm wrapped around her shoulders, gathering her against his side gently. "You're not being silly. Lee is trying to change your life. He's asking for big decisions from you. You don't have to date him. You can tell him to go frak himself, or you can demand couples' ballroom dancing lessons three times a week."

She rolled her blanket around her fist. "I don't want to get hurt. I don't want anyone to get hurt," she mumbled. "Next to you and Sharon, Lee and I are lucky. I wish I could feel happy, but I'm twisted up."

They sat for a while, silent as the helpless dread settled in Kara's stomach. Karl eventually let her go and stood up, careful not to jostle her side of the bunk. 

"I don't want pity," he said quietly. "I love Sharon. I know what people say. I didn't mean to get her pregnant. It's a mess. It's nothing you did and comparing isn't fair to anybody. Everything could be doomed if you want to see it that way. I'm working hard to be the optimist. Risks pay off sometimes. The other times you recover the best you can, but you wonder less about missing things."

Kara didn't know how to feel about Sharon. She wanted to say something comforting, but she couldn't pretend she was sorry the Cylon was locked up. Sharon was lucky to be alive, and she had argued to save her life. 

"I know things work out," she said, grimacing at the blandness of the words. It wasn't what she needed to say to her friend. She stood up, too. "There's a way to be together as long as Lee and I and you and Sharon continue trying. I can't picture what that way looks like."

Karl dragged her in for a hug, bobbing their bodies side to side. He knew she was uneasy with affection, and his whimsy made it simpler. Karl was a hugger, and she put up with him. 

"I think Lee can picture that, Kara. What do you think he's been describing in all the briefings?"

Thinking of his fantasies as real aspirations for their being together tripled the pressure immediately. Kara thumped her fist on Karl's back and grumbled, "Frakking Lee Adama falling in love with me all of sudden. This is all his fault."

The docile agreement from her friend was instant. "I've always said to watch out for that guy. What a monster!"

A beat later, Karl urged her to arm's length and nodded. "It's going to be a wonderful date, though. Hey, maybe you'll get pregnant right away and that's that! It worked for me."

If Helo had encouraged Lee to knock her up, Kara was airlocking both men. She snarled a fake laugh and went back to her locker to futilely search for clothes perfect for gambling her life away.


	14. Course Adjustment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lee hadn't thought there was literal human sacrifice in their story, but of course there was. It was the end of the worlds and they hadn't done it for themselves.

"This is kind of embarrassing. Kara doesn't run from me now," Lee said, grimacing. "She's also not rushing to make that date. I need to you give me a sit-rep."

He waved carelessly at the various areas of his office, usually sparse and full of places to sit. Each chair held a stack of papers, as did the majority of the floor and the once precious sofa. Colonel Tigh had complained of a lack of organization in the CAG's office clerking, which implied Lee actually had anyone working with him to find a rational way to stuff months of papers in an seemingly antique filing cabinet. 

The careful storage and indexing of very old, very routine flight records was hard to embrace as a priority when Starbuck was out there on the ship mulling over whether she might love him. 

Helo shrugged, propping himself on a stack of pages. "She's nervous. Doesn't want to leap unless she knows she can land on her feet. And you don't have any way to guarantee it, so she's delaying. She's heard every word you've said, and she's getting there, but it's all . . . theoretical? You get me? She believes it when you say it, but -"

Lee was a planner, and he knew Kara wasn't. She was capable of it, but her method was speed and skill combined to a pass-fail system of trial and error. She might have some trouble on a first or second attempt. His first and second attempt had three years of delay in between. She simply didn't recognize his theory was a workable plan because wanting her had haunted him every moment he could spare. He'd practically dreamed up the whole courtship despite himself. 

"I would go to my father and beg him to let me be happy, Helo," Lee told him, meeting the other man's eyes and nodding to emphasize the point. "On my knees, with anything short of human sacrifice on offer. I can't go back."

"Does . . . uh - Kara needs to know that. Phrase it differently, but tell her. If loving her changed your life to the point you can't go back, I think she'll see that as proof," Helo said, reaching to fish for a pen on the desk. "Don't mention human sacrifice."

Lee's look was meant to be grateful, but it twisted in a 'what-am-I-stupid' glare. He took the pen and balanced one of his blank cards on a tower of his mess. 

"How do I phrase being willing to do everything up to murder as a non-scary act of devotion, Karl? Throw out some vocabulary that won't make it creepy."

"Frak," the other man observed flatly. "You really are a crazy motherfrakker. I'm beginning to think half her crazy is just her doing openly what you'd secretly like to do and can't justify." 

"You don't have to sell me on it," Lee grinned. "I know Kara and I are a cute couple."

Helo nodded, shaking his head slowly. "Exactly what I meant, sir. Gonna leave you to it. If I find a thesaurus knocking around, I'll get it for you. There's got to be a nicer way to say 'sociopathic romantic fixation', sir, and I'll find out what it might be."

He was beginning to enjoy Kara and Lee equally for the melodrama they brought to what was ultimately a village on the ship. There were only so many pairings that looked remotely juicy. Helo was rooting for them to make it work, even if he couldn't see a clear path between regs and Cylons and Lee's own father overseeing everything with the discipline that kept a fleet moving on nothing but will.

But with his own situation, maybe he had to be a romantic to get through the day.

 

Lee laughed with Helo when he joked, but it was hard to find the kindness he needed to soothe Kara in the extremes he was trying to show her. She was bossy because control was important to her, and he felt honoured she let him order her around. The pilots never really accepted his command until she showed them she would fight him, but also listen to him. 

And suddenly he knew how to tell her how cemented his feelings were from the start of his time on Galactica, back when he barely knew what to feel about being alive. 

 

Starbuck was in attendance, her cards close to her chest. She had discarded her sweater and the sports bra underneath was spotty with drops of errant moonshine. Her slouch was anything but careless and every nugget on the whole deck would snap to attention if she hollered. It was lucky her rank fell second to Lee's, because any other D-CAG would be fighting a losing battle with her long shadow. 

And Helo couldn't help but notice she wasn't winning. Kara made it a point to win most of the games she could. Lee sometimes threw a game. It was one of the few things he could do for his pilots that didn't feel forced from the guy who ordered them out to face death. Kara wouldn't coddle anyone, though her winnings from friends sometimes ended up being 'the wrong size' or 'not my brand' and returned after the game. Helo's losses were usually handed back with a joke about Kara knowing exactly where they'd been and what depravities she suspected had occurred. 

He pulled up a chair behind his friend and she spun to eye him. 

"Nobody here but us chickens, 'Buck," he told her, showing his hands. "Crappy hands today?"

"My hands are magical, Helo," she said, amping up her brassy charm and blinding the room with it. "I can't decimate everyone at once. I'll want something to eviscerate at tomorrow's game."

He nodded. Her back wasn't as loose as it seemed and she was holding her sweater on her lap instead of tossing it carelessly. He knew the pocket probably held her notebook of Lee's overtures. 

"Just saw the CAG," he murmured. 

"Mmm," she said vaguely. "Still in love with me?"

"With your tender charms and gentle breeding," Helo teased. "More every day."

The other players adapted to the new gameplay, letting Kara talk over them as long as she kept up. Helo had never known her to lose track of a game, but she was working very hard to act her usual cool self. 

"Good taste survives, my friend," she told him.

He caught the pleading in her glance back. They would talk, eventually. He would urge her to narrow her decision at least to positive or negative. All the other pilots had decided they were witnessing the official beginning of Starbuck and Apollo as a couple, and when they watched it was without surprise anymore. 

"As someone aging like the finest vintage myself, I recognize the truth in your words. Leave a few nuggets alive to cover early CAPs," he told her. "I'm off to bed."

"Will do."

 

Kara tried to be the last out of the rec room. It kept the nuggets out of the leftover moonshine without having to down it herself and it never felt right leaving one person sitting alone as the ship's lights dimmed in the artificial middle of the night. She knew the draw of solitude and she knew a few minutes later the quiet was lonely. She led her clutch of near flightless chicks home to the nest, shooing them to wash up and brush their teeth like children.

"Our kids are frakking loud, Kara," Lee grumbled from his rack. His curtain was mostly shut, in symbolic symmetry to her own empty bunk. 

"I'm going to level with you, Lee," she said seriously, sitting next to his feet. "I could not tell you for certain who the father is of any of them. Honestly, it's a blur of the rudest, crassest men ever gathered for a repulsive duty to humanity. I'm deeply ashamed of all of them, and myself more than anyone."

He gave a little amused jerk of his neck to one side, his mouth clamping shut on the initial reply she was sure was too filthy even for the pilots. His feet were bare and Lee rolled them to tap at her hip companionably. 

"That's very honest of you," he told her fondly. "But you're a good mother. They'll turn out alright. We barely have to weld the decks anymore when they land, and they all went to brush their teeth without arguing."

Her hand curled over his calf, stroking as her smile softened despite her effort to keep everyone from giving her up as the worst sap. "I beat them unmercifully when you're not looking. Hot Dog was a genius before I started training him."

Lee's paternal pride glowed with his smirk. "Well, it's working, and I appreciate all you do. Goodnight."

The nuggets were back, some of them half stripped and whipping at each other with clothing. Kara stood up and replaced Lee's curtain smoothly, feeling his hand brush her arm for a second. 

"Grab your rack, shut up," she barked. "CAG's planning a suicide mission for the snorers tomorrow. You'll want to be at your best."

She rolled into her own bed, her sweater curled to her front. She ran her fingertips over the page edges and savoured the warm feeling of knowing Lee and her nuggets were tucked up safe for the night. 

 

"Okay, maintenance shifts are long and I know sometimes you're tired. Some of you are new enough to the planes you have to ask questions. But we are in space, and seals have to seal," Apollo said sternly. "If you're not sure, you have to test it. You don't just grease it and hope it's good to go."

Kat obviously couldn't resist. If any of the pilots was ever found to be Kara's biological child, it had to be her. Lee nodded as she raised her hand to wave far too cheerfully for an innocent question.

"Yes, Kat?"

"So would you say there's no such thing as too much lube, sir," she grinned. "Or can there be too much of a good thing?"

He could coolly rise above with a straight answer, but the spirit moved to send her into a spin. Lee nodded, as if considering his response, then deliberately ran his hand over the edge of the podium and up to lightly clasp the microphone. In the barest gesture, he gave it an up and down adjustment and rubbed a thumb over the head. 

"Honestly, it will depend. I've never needed much, and sometimes the measure of a good fit is not needing to add anything except some work ethic," he said plainly, before letting himself catch Kara's sparkling eyes. "Or just ask one of the deck crew politely for help."

Low snickers peppered the next few seconds, and he waited to get silence. 

"If I can move on, Kara, I realized something yesterday."

It was her turn to look startled, a blaze of her white face to Kat's red flush. He smiled gently. "Don't worry. It's nothing more dramatic than I've said before. I was the CAG by default, and those first few days I was adrift. I could feel people were just showing up by rote, and I happened to be the guy behind the podium. I didn't feel like one of the pilots, let alone your CAG."

He could see guilty glances and shuffling, and ignored it. Helo was writing, and Kara was keeping his gaze. 

"I don't like to think of what changed it, but it was the Olympic Carrier," he told her, letting her see his words weren't meant to hurt her. "You told me to stop being friendly and give orders. People had to see I meant it, and I had to admit to them I might be sending them out to die."

Kara's nervous lick of her mouth distracted him, as did the shift she made to halt Helo's notes. 

"I didn't really believe you'd listen to my orders until I told you to down the Olympic Carrier. You argued, and you hesitated, but then you pulled the trigger. You wouldn't let me be alone in it. That was one of the worst days of my life, and by the end of it, you backing me up made me CAG."

She was staring at him off and on, licking her lips and fixing her gaze on the notebook in her hands. Lee hadn't thought there was literal human sacrifice in their story, but of course there was. It was the end of the worlds and they hadn't done it for themselves. 

"You used your power over me to make me strong enough. You chose to stand by me to do something I know you'd never willingly want. That's what sets you apart, and why there is no one else I could love like you. And you told me I don't say 'be careful' to a group of pilots going out to risk their lives. Good hunting," Lee said solemnly. 

When he stepped down from the podium, most of the pilots remained seated. Kat had long forgotten her embarrassment and was processing the tragedy of the Olympic Carrier. He wondered how much civilians had heard about the lost ship. Someone must have been able to tune the radio past the interference and listen. 

Nothing was truly private anymore, bundled as they were on ships meant to hold fractions of the people living there. She had to get over the urge to hide before they had to answer for their bending of the fleet fraternization regs. 

He wanted to kiss her just once in the light of day, spontaneously and joyfully.


	15. Proximity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her own pause before she spoke was leaden, and he wondered briefly if he'd been too late to encourage her words. He just hadn't thought she would choose to say anything with an audience.

Lee exhaled, turning to his side as Kara pushed the blankets back. She waited, feeling at least a few sets of eyes note her presence next to the CAG's bed. Then she decided to ignore them and slid in next to Lee with awkward caution.

Her body shivered as she left the cold floor, a paradoxical reaction she hated. She hated when Lee made her uncomfortable instead of peaceful. She expected him to make life easier, or at least simpler. He was her boss, and the big, horrible decisions fell to him. It let her be a dumb Viper jock. It let her focus on her nuggets and the view from her cockpit, happily locked on to the targets he dictated. 

She had argued with him about the Olympic Carrier. She had given her dissent for the record. Lee had been alone in his order, braced to shoot it down. The seconds she had taken before she pulled the trigger left him alone longer. She hadn't made him stronger, or given any useful advice to help him be CAG. Kara knew she couldn't take any credit for Lee's ability to put the fleet above his own horror. 

She turned to her back, pulling the curtain closed. Flicking the blanket over her legs sent a shiver through her body. Lee sighed in his sleep, edging into a snore that made her smile. 

Lee slept in his shirt, but she could feel his warmth. Kara took a deep breath, enjoying the smell of his freshly washed hair. He never slept without washing unless there was a water shortage. Lee settling into bed, fresh tank and newly toweled hair, was one of the symbols of a day survived.

"I didn't make you anything," she whispered. "You give me too much credit."

Kara turned to her side, facing him gingerly. She wanted to test the feel of his stubble against her fingertips, but held back and stared at him. He was strong and healthy. He was handsome. If his eyes had been open, the blue would have knocked her dead. His smile fixed something broken in her gut that said love wasn't real. 

She shook sometimes, unable to get warm enough. It started in her legs and ran up her body until she vibrated with frozen misery. Blankets didn't work, and warm showers made it worse. Lee made the motion swirl in on itself and coil small inside her belly, like he could cup his hands around her instability and make it into a snowball that melted harmlessly.

He was steadying her, even asleep. It was wrong to use him for this, but she needed it. No one else made the world feel reasonable.

Kara slipped away a few minutes later, back to her own bunk to sleep. 

 

She gave him an answer, and her voice nearly startled him in the careful stillness of the ready room.

Lee didn't know why it had never occurred to him. He had been using his briefings to talk to Kara, carving a tiny personal space into a life that usually didn't give him much respite from his duties. 

He liked his pilots - Kara's pilots - and his fellow officers. He had a lot of friends, arguably more than he'd had on Atlantia before the Cylons destroyed the colonies. There were a lot of people to talk to, and a lot of work to be done. There was no emptiness to be filled, no private time to be shared with someone special. He was being selfish by asking for Kara's love.

Lee didn't know why he'd never considered the possibility, but he was thrown when Kara put her hand up meekly. 

He had been about to recall one of the times she'd saved his life. Her plan to drive the Cylons away from the tyllium refinery had put Vipers right where they needed to be, and he'd flown like Starbuck. He'd deliberately left the ship with the idea that going home alive and as a failure was worse than death. The fuel shortage had made it more or less true. He would have been left behind to guard ships with too little fuel to jump away, shooting until his Viper ran out of ammunition.

Kara looked like she might be interested in a personal FTL drive. She sat up with a tug on her uniform. He realized he'd been staring instead of acknowledging the signal.

"Yes?" 

Her own pause before she spoke was leaden, and he wondered briefly if he'd been too late to encourage her words. He just hadn't thought she would choose to say anything with an audience. It was a safe space, because they couldn't get too engulfed in the feelings. They had to hold steady and find a balance between the desperate extremes of nearly losing one another and never being brave enough to connect.

"Are you sure you're in love with me? Maybe it's just friendship, compounded with a lack of space," Kara said haltingly.

Lee noticed Helo was taking notes, the other pilot's attention firmly on Kara. It should have made him nervous to reply, but he knew this answer. He'd had a lot of time to hone it himself before he ever said a word to Kara.

"It fills up my whole soul, Kara, I'm really sure," he told her gently. It was a risk to smile, because she might see it as mockery, but the smile wouldn't dim. She looked so earnestly young, and he liked seeing the vulnerability. It meant his efforts to protect her had worked to some extent. 

"Okay," she nodded, eyes wide and blinking furiously. 

There was a bad moment when it seemed like the shellshock might actually turn into crying. Lee wanted to go to her, and knew he couldn't without her resenting him later. Starbuck needed to keep up her tough exterior. 

He couldn't leave it at that. 'Okay' could mean anything. He needed to clarify with her. They had too many missed chances in the past. If he screwed this up it was going to be because he'd said too much and not too little. 

"Do you believe me," Lee asked. 

"Yeah," she said, nodding too quickly. 

"Did you - Do you need to say anything else," he asked carefully. 

Kara pressed herself back into her seat, possibly turning shy for the first time in her existence. "No, thank you."

He could still tell her about the run on the tyllium refinery, but the moment seemed thick with a whole room of pilots waiting on one of them to lose composure. Lee realized he was feeling it in his chest, a heaviness not unlike the urge to cry. He thought holding Kara might fix it, but she wasn't ready. Her posture was all 90 degree angles, every joint bent precisely to fit the chair. 

"You're welcome," he said, counting down seconds until staring at her turned creepy. He would take every memory he could get, even these pangs of in-between longing. If she could just know how much she shone, polished by every harsh circumstance that had formed the callouses making him work so hard to be near her. Infatuation was a reaction to something new, and this reverence for Kara was a discovery of something precious turning slowly to gold before his eyes.

Helo cleared his throat, and Lee took that as a sign he'd let the gazing go too long. He pulled back from the podium, ducked his head and quirked his chin to one side in a nervous tic. 

"Yeah, so, good hunting. Catch up with me in the hanger if I'm needed. I'm doing maintenance shifts all day," Lee told the pilots. 

He couldn't resist making eye contact with one pilot in particular, pleased to see her blush as she caught his eye. Kara took her notebook back from Helo, and left the briefing as quickly as she was able.


	16. Spin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The door opened and Lee looked up eagerly. He wanted Kara, would have settled for Helo, and knew his duty to any of the other pilots. Unfortunately, Tigh stepped in with a glance casting judgement.

"Hey, are you okay?"

Helo had to run a little to catch up with Kara, frantic as she was to flee. She actually took a wrong turn, in the ship they'd lived for years, stranding herself in a short hallway with only an emergency hatch. 

"That might have stupid," she said. Her arms hugged the notebook to her chest. 

Poor Lee was so thrilled he looked ready to shop for engagement rings. Helo frowned and reminded himself how delicate an operation it was to support Kara emotionally. She needed the help, like anyone, but she didn't like needing him to tell her he was backing her up.

"It was brave. You needed to know and you asked. Don't make it more dramatic in your memory," Helo told her. 

They had been about to set the room ablaze, but it was better to underplay the immensity of the attraction. If Kara had been a little more open to dating, she would be able to see the blistering compatibility for its real value. As it was, she knew it was something big, but she was a little in the dark why people needed to watch Lee wooing her so sincerely. 

It was a shame telling her how special her bond with Lee was would send her off the deep end. He shrugged, as he acknowledged to himself he was mildly annoyed. Kara and Lee had one another and the framework of a marriage pre-made by their jobs. They snarled like wolves at anyone trying to part them, but they wouldn't honour the bond with a name. Before Lee broke the silence, they seemed inclined to pretend they were best friends. 

Helo was Kara's best friend, and he wasn't inclined to give up the title. He'd definitely put in the training to be the champion of understanding how to coax information out of her. He waited, trying to exude the lack of pressure he felt. He was sure Kara and Lee were going to be hitched.

"I didn't realize I'd feel pressure to - do something," Kara said in a whisper. "I haven't made up my mind. I just needed to be sure he wasn't - I was alone in the world long before we lost our homes. Lee's a good person and now he's mostly alone, too. I can't let him overreact and lose his other chances to be happy."

Helo resisted an impulse to smack her in the forehead. "You seem to be hanging on to the unfounded idea Lee is an idiot. I'm pretty sure he knows there are other women in the fleet. His eyes work because he can fly a Viper and his ears work because he hears the faintest breath of a word from you. You know him the best and you say he's a good guy," he said, letting a hint of impatience leak into his voice. "I can't protect you from adoration. You might just have to accept being happy."

Kara's huff of temper was encouraging. "I can't believe how much entertainment I'm providing for this crew," she said. "They don't deserve me, and neither does Lee Adama."

She had loosened her chokehold on the notebook, though, and her mouth twisted into a sly, hidden grin as she stomped away. 

Helo was beginning to suspect he was an excellent wingman in every way possible. 

 

Lee allowed himself the luxury of working slowly, putting away his meeting notes and taking his time cleaning off the board. He should probably tell Kara she'd saved his life with her plans numerous times, but her timid question felt like a leap he should savour. 

He was actually buzzing inside his chest, drunk on the reality of Kara meeting him with one tiny step. If he could live with his heart on his sleeve a little longer, she might finish stealing it. 

He had to stop smirking. He couldn't even get his hands to work. A stack of papers flopped away and spread across half the floor. Lee put his hands on his hips and shook his head at how delighted he was to be cleaning up a mess. He loved his job and his beautiful, blonde, snarky pilot. He loved his briefing room, serving as it did as his version of a favourite date spot. 

"Frak me . . . " he muttered to himself, marveling at the joy increasing as hope grew. Kara was the best thing he could imagine and soon he might not have to imagine it. 

The door opened and he looked up eagerly. He wanted Kara, would have settled for Helo, and knew his duty to any of the other pilots. Unfortunately, Tigh stepped in with a glance casting judgement. 

"The Old Man wants a meeting."

Tigh managed to make birthday greetings sound like a death sentence. Lee thought the man could use a stuffed animal to hug or a mentoring job with a scrappy orphan who could draw him pictures to put on his desk. He wasn't in the mood to be brought down to the solid deck of Galactica. He wanted to float around on the light feet of a doomed man saved by love. 

He grimaced, and knew as he did the Colonel was interpreting it as a rude reaction to what was basically an order. Kara would also hate him for presumptuously thinking her love would save him. He was assuming a whole lot from one very slight conversation. He had her interest now, and she was willing to admit it out loud. He just needed the time to pull all the threads he'd been spinning into a relationship. 

Lee pulled himself up from the inner lightness that threatened his concentration. "I have a busy few days, Sir. When I'm not on CAP I'm in briefings," he said. "The best I can do is four days from now."

The eternally pissed off face Tigh wore twisted a little more, and Lee hurried to qualify his answer. The last thing he wanted was to appear reluctant, because that would get his schedule forcibly cleared to deal with the problem. 

"Unless it's urgent," he said. "I can do a short meeting later today."

"That won't be necessary, Captain," Tigh grumbled. "What time do you think you can drag yourself away from your pilots?"

The man was irritating on purpose, partly to create the deference he needed after being outed as a drunk. Lee disliked feeling as if he was giving the wrong answer no matter what he said. He didn't think much of it as a leadership technique and he could see why Kara hated Tigh. 

"0800 would let me do my early briefing," Lee told him. "If that suits?"

"I'll let you know."

Tigh walked away without waiting for acknowledgement. He didn't care much about the strict manners of military rank, other than enforcing Bill Adama's rank when he sensed every respect wasn't being extended. 

Lee tried to make his shoulders ease as he was left alone. He usually knew why his father wanted a meeting. It was duty and not an attempt to be paternal, though the Old Man couldn't help himself where Lee was concerned. A father-son chat was deliberately informal, and usually not arranged ahead of time. Sending the Colonel was a kind of forewarning.

Things had been so quiet, peaceful almost. It had made his life easier while he courted Kara, but it also made the few outbursts along the way conspicuous. She had punched Helo and he'd made excuses that seemed to work. Rumours were spreading about the briefings. Eventually the interest from people who weren't close to either he or Kara would get attention too wide to escape official action.

His father could say one word and no one would bother them. He could also turn on them with the rage and frustration of a man trying to save his people. William Adama was a compassionate person in the abstract, but he never seemed capable of the same generosity when dealing with individuals. He could care about the whole fleet because it was his job. He would devastate a single person with his judgement if he felt they were a danger. 

Lee knew his father loved Kara and genuinely thought of her as family. It would hurt her to lose that approval. He didn't want to cost her things of value, and the Old Man's say-so was probably the biggest remaining hurdle to winning her over. Kara seemed ready to have a relationship kept quietly amongst the pilots. Lee wouldn't settle for furtive moments without meaning. 

He had to explain his deepest, most vulnerable feelings about Kara to his father, dredging up all the weird anxiety about their shared past. Lee didn't know how to explain how he'd made peace with falling in love with his late brother's fiancee. None of his feelings for Kara ever came from any kind of plan. 

The corkscrew fall of his stomach told him he wasn't even fighting the spin anymore.


	17. Drag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara had seen Adama draw from compassion he hid behind gruff orders. She had also known him to remember failings forever. He gave second chances but never forgot the initial fault.

There was a priest on a tiny ship called Hestia's Promise who did quickie weddings, and Lee was seriously considering eloping. He'd been working so hard to be careful, hiding any doubts behind joy and optimism.

Patience had held but time would not. Lee had to push, just a little, just enough. He needed to keep his progress as his ground to stand upon when his father prodded his exposed feelings.

He wasn't really going to ask Kara to take vows, but he hoped she was still with him on the way to get there eventually. He hated the overlap of his family and his career. There were excellent reasons why close relatives never served on the same ship.

Anxiety had led to a marathon of filing, and his office was spotless. The pilots were in good order, with the possible exception of Kara's nerves. She hadn't said anything about the meeting, but she knew it was unusual. She had probably been living in terror of his father's notice. It had actually made her better behaved than ever, and more intent on keeping the squadron in shape. 

Professionally, he and Kara were covered. Lee knew it, and he couldn't ignore the ideas of ruin and heartbreak. She tried so hard to pretend she didn't need approval, but Kara loved his father. William Adama had been a constant in her life when his sons had left her.

Lee was aware his father thought he was holding old grudges. He had been trying to let go, but it was hard to ignore his childhood. Both of his parents had failed him. He knew his life on Caprica was privileged, and he'd been able to turn the bad experiences into strengths. Thinking back to trying to raise his brother without letting his teachers know their mother was too drunk to look after them was painful. His tight-ass sense of responsibility Kara loved to torment was a desperation to exert control. Trying not to be neurotic was the best he could manage when his father overstepped military interests to preach to Lee's priorities.

He wanted Kara to love him. The realization had broken a shell that wasn't going to regrow. Lee had learned early not to make emotional demands. His father had gone back to his ship even when he cried. His mother had drifted away in her own grief. His brother had died too young. He wouldn't ruin things with Kara by stomping over her hesitation.

Thinking about it only added more complications, and logic felt inadequate to express what was happening. Lee was tired of rehearsing phrases. Everything was starting to sound false from repetition. 

He literally didn't have words to explain how badly he needed Kara. 

 

Almost dating the CAG had some perks. Kara and Lee had sat down one evening and worked out schedules that moved the nuggets around the ship for short rotations in vital systems. They were flying well, but most of them had no general military training. If they needed to open a hatch in an emergency or assist with repairs so the hull didn't collapse, the nuggets were going to need some practice. 

The genius of it was Lee's idea of having a blissful hour where everyone should have been on duty somewhere. The bunkroom stood empty and every few days Kara's downtime happened to line up with that perfect hour. She glanced at Lee's empty bunk, and paused at her own shut curtain. 

"Knock knock."

The fabric flicked up in reply, then flopped to keep her visitor hidden. She toed off her boots and pulled the curtain. Lee had taken to squeezing into her bunk with her when he knew they were alone. It was nice to cuddle, even if it involved absurd amounts of planning and strategy. 

"Good to see you, sir," she joked. "Is this business or pleasure?"

He rubbed his reddened eyes and slumped into her pillow. "It's stress leave. I've been hiding in bed. First I was over in my own, and I realized I could sneak over here. I didn't think you'd kick me out - at least not violently."

She looked at his bleak, pale face, and bit back a smile. It was lovely having secrets with Lee. She didn't like possessiveness, but she knew he had been hoping to see her. It was nice knowing he took comfort in her company. 

"You're lucky I just showered. I don't want to get my hair dirty again. Move over, inside spot is mine."

Lee scooted out and she climbed over him, lying on her side with her head propped up. She looked at him, patiently waiting for his babble of worries. He bottled up everything that wasn't an honourable officer's certainty. 

"My meeting with the Old Man is tomorrow," Lee sighed.

"Yes, with your father, I remember," she said lightly, stroking his hair idly. "Maybe it would go better if you tried to remember he's your father while you're talking to him. It's not impossible he cares about you, is it?"

The father-son bond was there when an enemy was in the room. Boomer shooting Bill Adama had sorted out a lot of the old resentments. Lee had one remaining parent. He would stand with him against any odds. Kara was worried Lee would take it badly if Adama wouldn't give his approval for them to be a couple. 

"It's not about personal baggage. The regs are designed to stop us. The fleet doesn't care if we're all frakking, as long as we don't want to settle down and build a private life together. It's ridiculous," he said, keeping his voice low despite his bitterness. Lee ducked away from her hand and jabbed roughly at his temples.

"I see the necessity from before, but the end of the worlds should have scrapped a lot of the rules. I want to go in there and be rational. I don't want this to be about my childhood and hating him. I would like him to be happy for us."

Kara had seen Adama draw from compassion he hid behind gruff orders. She had also known him to remember failings forever. He gave second chances but never forgot the initial fault. She lowered down to lie next to Lee, and let her hand rest slack against his thigh.

"He might understand," she ventured. She wanted to stroke his eyes closed and keep him warm with her body. She wanted to bask in privacy and contentment. They didn't need anyone else to approve of them.

"And then he'd say he can't make an exception that huge. It would open up a lot of other potential relationships. It would erode ranks and chains of command."

Kara didn't have a fix for that. They were disruptive. Sometimes it was deliberate but mostly it just happened when their combined energy mingled. They shouldn't have been in the same squadron. 

She was ashamed of herself for thinking the Cylons had made it possible to know Lee again. They had concentrated human life down to so few people everything hidden had erupted in instincts and sincere focus. 

They had gone on a walk through the ship and run into Colonel Tigh two evenings earlier, both of them painfully stiff as he smirked. Kara had wanted to literally kick in his teeth. She was working hard to keep Lee calm, and Tigh was relishing the impending argument. 

"If Tigh is there, don't let him escalate things. You know he's a petty bastard. He likes to be the Old Man's eyes and ears."

Tigh gave his own bias, and he liked being Adama's best friend. The friendship had glossed over drunk mistakes and ugly scenes. Kara didn't like to see Tigh manipulating her boss, and she wouldn't let another family grudge form on her behalf.

"I feel like we're so close to where we need to go, Kara," Lee said, turning his head to look in her eyes. "I just needed a few more weeks. Don't be scared off, okay? Just . . . stay with me. I can burn bridges anywhere else if it protects us. I'll make my father listen."

Her chest ached with the despair she saw in him. Kara smiled gently. "How much deeper in love do you think there is, Lee? It's a toggle switch. Off is off and on is all the way," she teased. "Don't be greedy."

Lee blinked rapidly and his arm flexed. He almost smiled, before his expression fell. "I'll tell the Old Man it's just gossip, if that's what you want. I don't want to sneak around, but it would be better than nothing."

She knew people snickered over Lee's willingness to please her. Kara didn't want to make trouble or start fights with him if they could have more happy interactions. She couldn't see a way it would be satisfying to take what they could get. Her urge to curl up small and hide them away didn't come from a healthy place. 

"This whole thing started because you said it out loud, Lee," she told him. "Keep doing that. I'm not great at saying it back. I used to watch you with other women. They could flirt with you so easily. It looked fun and simple. And you didn't have to carry the conversation or tiptoe around sensitive topics. Together we have all this extra history we haul around. It's a lot, but it's not too much."

Lee looked at her fully, his skin flushing as he beamed joy. His gratitude hit her like a knock to the chest, an ache that made it nicer to be near him. She licked her lips and shivered as Lee shifted his weight toward her. They leaned in, careful and barely touching. He shook as they kissed, a light brush of closed mouths feeling far more catastrophic. They couldn't hide this.

Lee pulled back with a long inhale, as if his lungs had just begun working again.


	18. Dogfight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final walk to the meeting was silent. Lee was obviously running lines in his head, trying to be ready to lay out his points as carefully as any mission or engine schematic. Helo stayed back before they were in sight of the bridge, leaning on the wall to wait for an outcome.

It was hard to imagine a fight - a real, serious, weighty fight with his father.

Back home, Karl Agathon had a good relationship with his parents. They were loving, worked hard, and knew just enough about his life to stamp out the worst of his stupidity until he was old enough to care about his own future. He left home for the fleet, mostly because his family didn't have money or connections to give him a start on a career.

Homesickness hit him hard once he was actually away, but he found friends. He worked hard to honour the time and patience they put into his upbringing. He indulged in the usual fantasies of saving lives and going home to be celebrated as a hero. He made do with weekly calls and counting days to his leave. When they died, he knew it had been quick. He could hold on to his memories and the certainty they would have been glad he survived. 

He missed them, and everything he'd seen on every planet. The time stranded on Caprica had been painfully quiet. He probably would have fallen for Sharon without any effort on her side. He'd wanted another person for the basic companionship of shared discomfort and worry. 

Helo had gotten a lot more than a buddy for the hike, and he wasn't bitter. The Cylons were the enemy, not Sharon. The secret to war was not getting personal with the enemy. He didn't think destroying the colonies was justified, but neither was killing every last Cylon while they tried the same with every human. Hate couldn't be the basis of any civilization. 

He was realistic why they were fighting. With the Cylons, there was no other option. Helo was starting to feel he might be seeing another, dirtier war developing. Lee Adama was going to fight for Kara with every drop of his blood. 

The temptation to interfere was strong. Helo was a friend, but he was also an officer. He couldn't help but suspect Lee and Kara's bond bordered on superhuman. They combined forces and cast their incredible luck over the whole fleet. It was ridiculous and it was pretty well what happened in several battles. One of them managed to make a crazy entrance and all the hopeless chances aligned obediently to give a single shining moment when they saved the day. 

The pilots had to be able to take initiative. Lee had his Commander's trust, even as his father doubted his decisions. The squadron had the flexibility to do what was needed. A crackdown on Lee's command would cripple their defense. 

And Lee was wearing his damn blues like a man who'd had to dress in his own shroud before he even got to die. In solidarity, Kara and Helo had both worn their uniforms. They had been planning to walk to the meeting with Lee, an unofficial honour guard. It didn't feel melodramatic to back him up for this, except it also put Kara nearby if the Old Man wanted to call her into the fray. Her presence was the only thing that could make any fight uglier. 

Now an honour guard of one, Helo was standing in Lee's office as they ran down the clock a little. Showing up early would add minutes of potential animosity they could avoid by dragging their heels a little. 

"How are you doing, man," he asked Lee. 

The pacing around was only as irritating as the nearly visible issues settling hard on Lee's shoulders. Helo could practically see old family squabbles rising from the grave to piss him off all over again. 

"I know what I'm going to say," Lee told him. His tone was certain and clipped. 

"Good. You're ready. Hey, um, I know you're expecting a fight. I think it might be a good idea to try to go in really calm. Just as even as you can and if it gets . . . loud you can say you were on the high road."

"It's his job to fight me on this," the CAG said grimly. "I don't have anything to show him to-"

His latest lap of the office jolted to a stop, and Lee nodded to himself as if some wrenching decision had been made silently. He walked out with quick steps, and Helo hurried after him. 

They had to go through the flight deck, and Kara had chosen to work off her skittish energy fixing planes. Lee walked up to her with urgency, and pulled her in to whisper to her. 

Her expression went down, then up as she nodded. Helo watched with everyone else as Lee ran a lingering touch down her bare arm and nuzzled his face along her neck. Kara leaned closer to him and touched his chest gently. 

Then the moment was over, Lee standing back with a polite nod to Chief Tyrol. He marched even more resolutely to the pilot's quarters. Lee bypassed several curious nuggets and opened Kara's locker. Helo saw Kat about to protest the breach of privacy, and gave her a look before she spoke. She put her eyes on her cards and scowled. 

Helo watched as Lee went for something specific, hiding it carefully in his pocket before he was on the move. He acknowledged the nuggets this time, making eye contact with Kat in a way that must have made her feel better about seeing God's locker violated. 

The final walk to the meeting was silent. Lee was obviously running lines in his head, trying to be ready to lay out his points as carefully as any mission or engine schematic. Helo stayed back before they were in sight of the bridge, leaning on the wall to wait for an outcome. 

 

There must have been pleasantries. Lee barely noticed, so he must have answered correctly. His pilots were good, the training was going well, the nuggets were improving. He sat down on the sofa with a glass of water he didn't want, and braced for the real conversation to begin. 

Bill Adama smiled with a hint of cringe. They both knew enough to dread this meeting, even if his father's discomfort was vague. Tigh had done a good job making it hard to communicate. Both Adama men would have to relay what happened to their seconds in command.

"What's going on with you and Kara?"

He was ready, and he spoke clearly, setting the glass down. 

"Lieutenant Kara Thrace is the embodiment of the rogue soldier. She is a pain in my six, a constant challenge to my authority and the only woman I could ever love so deeply. We want to be together. I don't even care how. I'll resign my commission today if that's what it takes."

He was presuming a little about Kara, but it didn't help to bring an unloaded gun into battle. He had to press the point that he and Kara were a couple, and then they could actually become one. Adama paled, as if he'd just realized he was walking into the minefield of their personal relationship.

"Son - Lee, I don't want you to throw away your career. I didn't call you here to scold you for being human," the older man said haltingly. "We need to care about one another. It will get us through the hardships until we find a safe home for the fleet. You have to see how I'm surprised."

It was a fair reply. Lee didn't know why it set off a wave of anger. He had been surprised to admit to himself how much he loved Kara. She had been shocked. People had generally been startled by his openness, then seemed to acknowledge the signs had been there to observe.

"I do. I'm surprised sometimes. It took me years to -" Lee realized he was leaning forward, hunched and pointing rudely. He sat back. "Can we start over? I'm really trying to keep my head, and Kara doesn't make me calmer. She drives me insane."

"I think that might be a general opinion about her," Adama said, chuckling. "Let's relax for a moment. Hell, let's have drinks. It's way too early in the day, but I feel like it can only help."

Two measures of scotch were poured, and sipped pensively as they avoided speaking with gestures and head bobs. Lee felt the liquor soothing a little of the anger. He waited for his father to put down his own glass, and tried again.

"I have been using a few minutes from the daily briefings to speak to Kara directly. I told her I'm in love with her, and then I started telling her why. I explain my side of events where we were fighting, or moments when things kept us apart. I tried to imagine how it could be if we were able to be together now, and how we'd manage working together."

"She didn't know at all?"

That was debatable. If he was going to be petty about it, Lee had to think she had recognized his feelings for something extra compared to her other friendships. If she chose to write off the message as lingering sentiment, he could see that being a fair assumption until he'd spoken up.

"I think . . . not directly. She saw me react with jealousy or sadness, but nothing romantic has ever happened. Kara wouldn't have flaunted her socializing if she'd thought it hurt my feelings," he said slowly. "You know her. It takes a lot of time and attention to convince her she's worth noticing. All her cocky talk is just low self esteem that won't die off."

Adama nodded sadly. He clasped his hands across his middle and looked down. "Kara's mother was tough on her. I've never been able to get all of the story. The trust issues make me suspect abuse, but Kara doesn't like to talk about her past."

"Pushing her chases her away," Lee said quietly. He craved contact with her, anything he could feel. Sometimes he could see the words crowding her face and wanted to shake them loose. "I've been trying very hard not to pressure. Kara seems much more rebellious than she behaves. I'm not trying to convince her to fall in love with me. It's going to be hard enough even with both of us all in."

"How has she responded?"

He could see the same gossip-hungry glint in his father's eyes he was used to from most of the crew now. Lee wanted to take it as a good sign.

"Shock, first, and then a suggestion I go see Doc Cottle for a checkup. After a while, she just listened. I think she was trying to be neutral. I embarrassed her a few times with the amount of sharing. She doesn't hate me. She hasn't shut me down. I, uh, think she loves me, too."

"I don't have to tell you dating Kara is a bad idea," his father said, pushing up on his hands as if the sofa had become uncomfortable. "You can't casually see one of the pilots under you. I don't have anywhere to transfer personnel when conflicts make working together impossible."

There was nothing casual about his reactions to Kara. Neither of them was capable of being cool-headed and practical when she was hurt or missing. Even before the colonies fell, Adama had brought her to Galactica to keep her close. Lee wasn't going to apologize for wanting to take care of her. The family bias for Kara had as much to do with his father's orders as his own. 

"If I'd wanted a frak buddy, I wouldn't be telling you about it. I'm trying to do this the right way, to avoid causing problems," he said tightly. "Have you noticed a difference in the squadron in the past few weeks? We can do both, regardless of whatever venom Tigh is spitting about her."

"Watch yourself," Adama replied, equally curt. "I think it's clear the chain of command is already unstable because of this. Tigh brought it to my attention, but he's not at fault for doing his job."

"Kara and I do our jobs, too! Our pilots defend the fleet in the oldest planes that still fly, and we're all prepared to die out there for thousands of people we'll never meet."

Lee didn't mean to jump up and loom over his father. He clenched his fists and backed away, crossing the room in an attempt to collect himself. Unfortunately, his outburst had pissed off Adama, who also rose.

"No one is doubting the pilots, and no one is doubting your abilities. It's my job to see when your judgement fails, and try to save you," he said. "Of all people on this ship, I could understand it better than you choosing Kara Thrace!"

There were hundreds of valid points to be made, and Lee was trying to find his words when his father rushed to keep speaking.

"She was going to be your brother's wife."

Fair play never held up for long, and the effort was abandoned. 

"And my brother died," Lee said evenly, controlling his air like he'd lost his mask during a flight. "I miss Zak, and I know Kara does, too. We're not erasing him. We were all close back then, and losing him broke us. But I wanted her, and I didn't take advantage of her grief to make it happen. I waited and the worlds ended, and I'm hard pressed to believe there is anything so dire after that I'm risking to be with her."

His father's contained shiver hinted at the lingering grief they could only talk around. "You might still be taking advantage. A few years - a few very hard years - isn't that long, and Kara is fragile in a lot of ways."

Lee crossed his arms. His father's optimism had never extended to what his eldest son could do. His skills and his potential had to be constantly proven. 

"And she's an adult who is perfectly capable of tossing me out an airlock if I get pushy. I wouldn't want her if she didn't come to me willingly, Dad. It's like . . . I spent my whole life working toward practical goals and they evaporated in one day when the Cylons attacked. I focused on my duty but I didn't really believe my life made more sense than anyone else surviving. It was chance I made it back."

There had been a lot of little miracles to keep him alive, because skill couldn't explain some of the missed bullets and landings that just made it. If it wasn't luck, it was something too much of a gift to ignore. He wouldn't waste the remainder of his life. Everything he was too repressed to say rolled away from him in a blurt.

"Except it feels now like this has a purpose. All the times Kara and I have been able to figure out a way to get the fleet through happened because of both of us. I'm devastated when we lose people, but she's essential. She's . . . she's like finding a treasure you walked past a thousand times because it had a layer of dirt over it. I couldn't see because I denied it. Kara still has moments she'd prefer I kept quiet, I'm sure. I've discovered a Kara I need as much as she needs me. I'm not going to say I have no guilt, but I'll get past it if she's willing."

They were both prowling the room, keeping their distance but less angry than before. 

"I can't just look the other way," his father sighed. 

"I'm not asking you to look away. I'm asking you to look at us together and smile because we're not afraid. We have more reason to be afraid than anyone still alive, and I refuse to believe you'd separate us out of a leftover proprietary impulse."

There was room to negotiate in the shifting of shoulders and the way Adama couldn't decide what to do with his hands. Lee pressed, unashamed to need this special treatment. It was necessary. It felt like the only way he had to keep working so hard just to make it to the next day.

"Nothing much has to change. We live together anyway. I don't feel the need for a ceremony. People know I belong to Kara. No one is dumb enough to try and steal me. I'm as good as married right this minute. Just don't get in our way," Lee said. 

His father gripped the back of a chair, shaking his head. "Every rule about fraternizing has a basis in fact. None of the rules come without a human cost when it went badly somewhere in history."

They had circled back, facing each other with squared shoulders. Lee felt his father's fatigue like his own. They could never agree without first arguing. Every decision had a controversy where their morals couldn't mesh.

"History is not really my big concern. I'd like humanity to have a future. I'd like to have a future. I don't have the will to continue without letting myself love her."

"I don't understand where this is coming from, now, Lee," Adama said sadly. "I feel like we're always fighting one another and no one is ever trying to cause it. It's just inevitable."

Only then remembering it, Lee pulled the photo from Kara's locker out of his pocket. He smoothed the lines where it had been folded. He handed it to his father and pointed at his own younger face, set apart and lonely from his brother and Kara. 

"It started when I met her. I didn't know there was someone who suited me until I met Kara. It was the best hard knock I've ever had. I know Colonel Tigh hates her and he doesn't think much of me. Maybe you can both see Kara and I make each other better."

Lee walked out without being dismissed, adrenaline rushing to his limbs in case he had to run. It would have been helpful, except there was nowhere to go.


	19. Engine Stall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knew he was not calm enough to have Kara calm him down. She was much more talented at getting him agitated, and her ability to keep a grudge going was impressive.

No one had ever made him feel stupid like his father could, and Lee was exhausted barely three hours into his day. His gut had been telling him not to prep the champagne, but the cool and rational conversation had been catastrophic. 

He'd spent days carefully laying out why being with Kara wasn't just possible - it could improve things in the squadron. They could work together better, and any small advantage might be vital during a battle. The energy he spent trying not to pine after her, and her attempts at indifference had dulled the way they could sync up and excel. The facts and tangible benefits had burned off with the first second of rage.

There should have been some dark satisfaction in knowing his worries had been justified. Lee knew his father, at least when it came to things he wanted that went against the grand Adama family principles. He was right, and it felt shitty.

Helo didn't need to ask how the meeting went. He was kind enough to walk Lee down to the flight deck and leave him alone, taking the hint when the CAG went into the head with slumped shoulders. Kara would be waiting for an update. Tigh was probably holding in the urge to dance a jig. Lee couldn't bring himself to even get angry. 

He didn't want to say he'd barely had a father, but it was the reality during his childhood. The divorce didn't even alter the situation. Duty came before family. Bill Adama soothed any loneliness he might have felt with his fellow officers. The ship really was his family and Lee was an incidental member who just happened to be a relative. 

Surviving the Cylons felt like random chance. Lee hadn't been in a good position to make through the initial battle. He'd taken over probably the most exposed position in the air group. His squadron went out in full during every skirmish. Their safest missions were too reckless under normal conditions. He was lucky to be alive. 

If I can just nudge that luck over a bit, and have a life for myself, he thought, it might be worth all the hell I've been through. 

He tugged off his jacket and threw it over a bench. Washing his face took more energy than he could remember. Kara deserved to hear about the meeting from him, but it was going to make her sad. He should be rushing to support her. He hoped she would have some comfort for him, and that was what stopped him from finding her right away. 

The point was to be a more whole and honest person, someone who could feel things without needing a second opinion to praise his own viewpoint. They were set up to be codependent, and he wanted better than that.

Lee didn't want Kara to fix him, and he didn't see anything about her that wasn't wonderful. If this was their first hurdle, he needed to treat it like a test of his resolve. His mind wouldn't be changed by adversity. Approval from his father would have been helpful, but the lack of it hadn't prevented him from doing everything else he'd accomplished. 

A sharp splinter of a thought reminded Lee his military career was widely assumed to be a way to please his father. He hated the idea, as much as he couldn't discount it. 

When he was younger, he'd desperately wanted to be noticed. Now, with Kara's heart at risk, he was rethinking his distaste for sneaking around. There was a lot to be said for stealth dating and frakking in their bunks until she got knocked up. 

Let the Old Man process a pregnant Starbuck pleading her case for a respectable marriage before she became a mother. Her secret religious faith had been a big surprise for him, and he wasn't sure his father knew how often Kara prayed. It wasn't a post-apocalyptic rebound for her, and her beliefs were sincere.

He reached for a towel, and sat heavily on the bench. He had started this with Kara and he was responsible for finding a way to make it possible. The next step had to make sense. It had to prove their ability to work together better once they were allowed to be together. 

If Kara was scared off, he needed to be able to make his case - again. He had a few cards left, but those were all reasons to support their feelings. He wanted to be calm for her, and help her accept Adama's reaction. It needed to feel like a minor obstacle with a potential solution.

He knew he was not calm enough to have Kara calm him down. She was much more talented at getting him agitated, and her ability to keep a grudge going was impressive.

It was contradictory to want her there and also need the time and space to make up his own mind. Lee thought anything good for him was probably going to be good for Kara, at least generally. He had to make sure he wasn't assuming his priorities lined up exactly with her own. 

As childish as it was - even as he was remembering his resentment when she disappeared on him - Lee wanted to put off seeing Kara. 

Words failed him, and so far his words were the only hold he had over her.

 

Kara Thrace crossed her arms and pretended to be considering a bundle of wires for wear and tear. She watched Helo from the corner of her eye. 

"How bad is bad," she asked. "I've seen Lee and his father get into fights over the best restaurant for steak, despite the fact all the restaurants got nuked. They have blowups. I didn't expect it would go well. What did he tell you?"

"He was kind of speechless," Helo said, grimacing as her shoulders went even tighter. "I thought he needed a minute."

Frustrated, she started tracking the wires, feeling for faults. "He knows I'm waiting to hear. What if I get called to CIC? I need to be ready, too. I knew it was too soon to tell the Old Man."

"Adama loves you, and you didn't start this. It's Lee's campaign that's the problem. It's not hurting anyone, but it's not the best use of the briefings to hear the ways Lee loves you. At this point, you guys can probably talk privately, right?"

She wasn't sure of that, since Lee wasn't there talking to her. The meeting was about both of them. She knew she'd get called up to speak to Adama soon. Forewarning would let her echo what Lee said, giving them a stronger footing if the frat regs were going to be an issue. 

"I've never asked for anything that bends the rules," she said firmly. "Adama knows I'll do my job. This thing with Lee is problematic for order. I knew he would need to be convinced. Some people do better outside the regulations, and I'm one of those people. Too many rules screw up my best moves. I should have gone with him."

Helo moved to help her steady a bracket flipped open to expose more electronic parts. "It was as much about old family stuff as it was about you and Lee," he said. "You can't undo Lee's childhood by deflecting the conversation. He walked out of there without quitting or getting himself thrown in hack. It's a pretty good start."

She gave up pretending the wires were getting any of her focus, and sat down on a closed toolbox. "Is Lee okay," she asked, sighing.

"He's coping. I think he's pretty discouraged, which doesn't mean he's giving up. I think he's probably worried you're going to take Adama's reaction as your out. I'm kind of worried about the same thing, actually, 'Buck. If you're going to let this go on, there has to be some kind of hope."

She looked up at him, offense clear on her face. "Lee and I have always been friends, even when we didn't talk," she said clearly. "I'm wary. It doesn't mean I'm lining up to shred his feelings. He said I could have time. I assumed that was sincere."

Helo winced. He'd been doing so well playing to both Kara and Lee's paranoid insecurities, but he'd just stepped out and taken a side. Lee had been so deliberate, giving broad invitations without a hint of pressure. Kara's love of speed stopped at being rushed. 

"You have time," he said firmly. "You absolutely have as much time as ever. That was me being stupid. I was just trying to say Lee needs you. If you're thinking you want to be with him, I'm sure he'd want to hear it. He'd also be respectful if you didn't, so don't string him along if your answer is no. You must be leaning one way or the other by now, right?"

Her pout signaled the end of the conversation. Kara was suddenly intent on wringing every bit of efficiency from the engine. Helo took the opportunity to leave before he did lasting harm to Lee's campaign.


	20. Throttle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lee wouldn't hurt her. Nothing would really go forward until she stopped holding back. If the ensuing chaos made Tigh drink distilled motor oil with a straw and a little umbrella, that was part of being Starbuck she liked very much.

Getting over her late fiance had been a battle between the broken, loving near widow she'd been and the bawdy pilot she became on Galactica.

Kara had never been on dates in dresses and heels, slow dancing to the tempo her date chose and drinking whatever he ordered for her. She had never liked the idea of being treated girly. She demanded respect and she appreciated kindness. If she was interested, she would say so instead of dropping hints and glances. 

Zak Adama had been good to her. With his gentle coaxing, she had found vulnerable spots underneath a lifetime of roughly handled emotions. It hadn't been entirely comfortable, but Zak had always been wonderful. 

She was confused to find Lee was even more wonderful, from the first time she met him. She was horrified to realize it wasn't some latent Adama similarity reminding her of what she'd lost. She didn't look at Lee and see Zak. He had become the home base she hadn't known to want; surpassing the peace his brother had been able to offer for a short while. 

Kara knew Lee had been doing what she wanted for years. When she needed space, he found himself busy with work. When she drank too much, Lee neglected work to dust her off and put her to bed. When she was hurt, he bullied her into recovery. He avoided hard questions. He waited for signals. 

She wasn't used to being on the other side. It was stressful knowing he needed something without being sure she had it to give. 

She loved Lee. His last few briefings had flipped their roles. She had swallowed hard while he described the tyllium refinery like she'd been doing the work instead of having one idea that paid off. Another day he had praised her work developing a pilot training program with barely any resources. Lee had called her a genius with flight dynamics. He had credited her with prodding the nuggets into becoming decent Viper repair crews. He had thanked her for keeping his father company on Galactica, while he was stationed on the Atlantia. 

Lee Adama, one of the most decorated surviving officers of the fleet, had nothing but good things to say about her. He'd listened to her confess to her part in his brother's death and calmly decided to love her anyway. He bled redemption for other people.

Her side of their time together had lots of good memories, but the ones that stood out were bad. She'd frakked Baltar, because Lee's eyes were too blue to hide his feelings. They'd fought, and to this day Gaius Baltar eyed them with disdain. They were a disgrace to the fleet before anything romantic had happened. There was no professional distance to argue. Kara backed him up because he was Lee, and he did the same for her. 

She'd been leaving him exposed for weeks, trembling internally over hurt pride if they couldn't hold together. She'd been worrying about what the other lonely, damaged souls on the ship would say. Her larger than life acting out made it impossible to go low-key when she wanted privacy.

Starbuck had been someone to be when she wasn't sure how to act. When she wasn't paying attention, Starbuck had also started ruining the things she'd been guarding. Kara could carry any insult except cowardice, and she didn't like it about herself now. 

Lee wouldn't hurt her. He would follow any ridiculous condition she set to have a chance to make it work. He was the calm and she was the storm. Nothing would really go forward until she stopped holding back. 

And if the ensuing chaos made Tigh drink distilled motor oil with a straw and a little umbrella, that was part of being Starbuck she liked very much. 

 

"Kat, hey! Hold up!"

Kara shoved Helo against a wall, perhaps a little too roughly from his manly squeak of reproach. She gave him a little sneer as he returned it with a frown. They waited for Kat to turn back. 

"Yes, sir?" The young pilot was wary, which was smart. Starbuck only singled out the best, but they got better by passing her advanced lessons. She liked to think it helped them stay humble and alive.

"I need some backup for this one, Kat," Kara said cheerfully. "I'm hijacking that part of the briefing. I need you to keep me honest. Sit behind me, and if I don't start talking, you're going to damn near kick my chair out. Helo is going to supervise the nuggets for a few hours afterward, and I need you to help him out if anyone tries to weasel out of doing their work. If Tigh comes in to lurk in the back of the room, give me two little kicks to warn me."

Kat's eyes went wide, then she grinned with a flush of delight. No one needed to ask which part of the briefing was her cue. "I might kick your chair anyway," she said arrogantly. "You've been slow. I was beginning to think it was going to be talk but no action."

"Ooh," Karl huffed quietly. "You're so lucky it's a happy day, nugget."

Kara had been a little irritated her nuggets had been hanging around their bunks all night. She had managed a short conversation with Lee, but no privacy. He had been okay but she was never good at sweet nothings with an audience of pilots. She had said comforting things and reminded Lee nothing was lost. His replies were very short and reserved. 

Gripping her by the shoulder, with the rough fondness of a mother cat to her kittens, Kara turned Kat and started her marching. "My action is none of your business. If you weren't so frakking loud, your action wouldn't be everybody's business either."

"I can't help knowing talent, Starbuck," Kat bragged. "I believe in being vocal about good, hard work."

"Gods, Kat, sometimes I'm amazed your callsign didn't turn out much filthier," Kara said, chuckling. "And I picked it."

The two women jostled lightly as Kat elbowed her. "Yeah, but you didn't know me that well back then."

Helo shook his head. He was already thinking about who could help him contain the nuggets when he was babysitting them. He was a little afraid Kat's help was wildfire looking for a forest to burn.

 

A perverse part of Kara's soul enjoyed filing into the briefing with no hint she was about to hit the throttle on everything that had been building steadily. She smiled at Lee gently, and he acknowledged her with a tiny smile. She didn't like how frail it was. She would give him a much better expression later, once she didn't need the element of surprise. 

The nuts and bolts of flying were discussed in short, digestible segments of instructions. A lot of it was stuff they all knew, but it was good to refresh ideas while they were in reasonably good shape mentally to absorb the knowledge. In battle, everything had to flow from the inchoate moves a good pilot could improvise in seconds. 

The calm of it was nice, and she was excited to let loose with her own brand of briefing. Lee had been talking at her for a long time, and it was strange she'd been able to hold off. Self-control wasn't something she'd ever been known to possess. 

Luckily, she seemed to possess Lee Adama's heart. He had enough self-control for ten Starbucks. It was going to be nice owning his tight ass, too. 

She felt a smirk emerging as the briefing went along. Nothing clarified Kara's warring impulses like a fight. She could set aside all her "but what if Lee" worries because the new problem was the Old Man. Her focus on Lee felt right, easy like sighting her guns and taking out Cylons. 

"On a personal note, I think it's fair to tell you all I might have been wrong about there being any leeway in the frat regulations," Lee said evenly. He folded a piece of paper absently, looking down as he spoke. "I hope I didn't get anyone in trouble. Right now, the frat regs exist and will be enforced. Rules are there for a reason, and there has to be a more meaningful reason to ignore them. Feelings don't really qualify. Uh- I'm not suggesting giving up is-"

Maybe she wasn't allowed to want him, but she did. Wasting time not acting on it let her enemy win the day, and she didn't like that idea. She had listened to Lee's words, and he had told her more than enough to demand action on her part. 

"I have a question!" 

Kara didn't bother trying to sound polite while she was interrupting. She barely waited for his startled nod to continue. Lee's eyes had brightened, and she would take interested panic over defeat.

"What if I wanted a baby," she asked. It wasn't quite the dramatic embrace he might be hoping to get, but she needed to follow her instincts. Sending Lee into a hissy fit had never been a hardship.

People turned to look at her, a ripple of jerky motion and lost balance. Kara didn't break eye contact with Lee. It was also a little funny to see everybody horrified and enthralled in equal parts. Nobody laughed anymore at the idea of Lee being in love with her. It was starting to feel - not normal, but plausible. 

He looked surprised, but his face softened into a loving smile. "Kara, what argument have you not won with me? I'd have your baby if it was humanly possible. It's hard raising a child in a war, but it's hard anyway. We'd work it out."

She blinked, struck by his casual answer. Lee lectured nuggets about turning off the faucet while brushing their teeth to save water. He knew just how scarce resources were in the fleet. He needed to do everything perfectly, and parenting was a crapshoot in the best setting.

He was being indulgent, and she hated that. She wanted to know his real thoughts before they were in too deep to realize they weren't interested in the same things together. She hadn't known she'd possibly wanted a baby until it came out of her mouth a second ago.

"But what if I wanted -"

"Sure," Lee agreed, faster than she'd been able to ask about two babies and a home to raise them. He raised an eyebrow. "I'm just going to say yes to all of it. You seem to have internalized this idea of yourself as a self-destructive person who causes trouble. The only trouble I ever had with you is your incredible blindness to being in love with me."

She was going to cry in a briefing, and then die of embarrassment. Kara shook her head, speechless. She had been so sure of her command of the situation. Helo leaned his arm over and patted her clenched fists. Kat gave her a tiny rap on her shoulder. 

"Frankly, I find you very agreeable most of the time," Lee told her, rescuing her from her sentimentality. 

"Oh! You frakker! I have given you hell," she said. 

"And you just propositioned me to get you pregnant," Lee grinned. "I guess foreplay was a bit different on Picon. Maybe you knew you were in love with me all along, and I was waiting for the wrong signals. Though it does give me some horrible ideas about how nasty you are to Tigh."

Kara was back to form, quick to think of a comeback to embarrass him equally. 

"I guess you can think about that disgusting nonsense while I recall the dinner you had with Ellen Tigh getting her toes in your lap and giving her a good handful of your six," she said, sitting back happily. 

The room erupted in squirming, agitated pilots trying once again to adjust to far too much personal detail about their CAG. Kara and Lee were attractive together, but pairing them with the older Tighs was repulsive.

Lee went pale. "Now that's - You're making it sound like I went to dinner with her and invited - My father included me at a dinner with both Tighs. She had a few drinks and decided to hit on me. I spent the whole night dodging her as much as I could without knocking over the table."

"Yes, sir, Captain Adama," she mocked. "I'm sure it happened just like you said. I'm not sure you need Helo to teach you anything about juggling."

The other pilot made a face and shook his head rapidly. "Oh, not me. I'm not a part of this. Anybody asks me, I fell asleep in this briefing," Helo said, putting his pen away and giving back the notebook. "I didn't hear a word."

The CAG gave a quirk of his mouth, partly amused and a little anxious. "It might be best if this one time you forget everything you've heard here," he said. "None of it is going to do you much good out on patrol."

He looked at Kara, his shoulders quaking as her muffled laughter got to him. "But if it wins you a bet here or there, I'm not going to complain," he said lightly. "Good hunting, everybody."

The pilots were hopped up on the weird, squirmy energy between them. Kara tried to play off staying behind as a part of her job, but she was a little breathless. They stood together in front of the room, shifting and avoiding eye contact until Helo herded the last stragglers out. 

Lee looked directly at her, his eyes very wide. "Holy frak, Kara," he breathed. 

"Now you know how I felt," she said, biting her lower lip. 

"A little bit of chest pain is normal, then," he joked. 

She took a step in, trying to substitute being near him for a hug they really shouldn't start when anyone could walk in to see. "You've got to be tough, Adama," she teased. 

"I can take it."


	21. Context and Formation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara might weep over him, but her alter ego would flay him and wear his corpse as a part of her dress uniform. She would build a shrine in his honour to deface it, and curse his name.

If he didn't lose his military career breaking frat regs, he might tank it regressing to a hormonally-charged idiot, Lee thought helplessly. 

He was sprawled on his back in his D-CAG's bunk, Kara stretched out on top of him. They were clothed, as a minor concession to the shared quarters. His body temperature had to be dangerously high. His hands were having trouble letting go of her. Kara's elbows were resting on his chest, her face hovering above his own. 

He was ridiculous. When his hands were in her hair, it was the softest thing he'd ever felt. Then they roamed across her neck, or down underneath her tanks, and the skin there was blissfully better. The softness of her curves was so good, until his palms hit the tautness of her ribs, shoulder blades, hips. There was no decision to be made, only a mindless need to maintain contact. 

Kissing her was miraculous, except it put their faces too close to see her clearly. Kara touching him could replace anesthetic for surgery. Lee wanted to lie there forever, exalting in the new warmth of being secure in her love. 

Her fingers dabbed along his chin, a laughing exhale ghosting his jaw as she nuzzled him. Lee stretched his neck back. He was sweating all over her bed, and she was encouraging it. 

Kara rolled her hips against his, taking him away from the affectionate dream of hiding in her bed until the war ended. He tried a deep breath to ease his arousal to something less urgent. They were using the time the pilots' quarters were empty, and that time was counting off in steady minutes on his watch. 

His heart was beating more of a drumline, escalating to a call to arms and back to a strong, reassuring beat when Kara pressed her lips to his earlobe. She hummed a little tune to herself, wiggling on him with a little too much enthusiasm. 

"I like your happy dance, Kara, I do," he said hoarsely. "But if you actually want me to last the week, you're going to have to go easy on me."

She pulled back, her weight lifting off his body as her knees planted on the bed. Her hand rested gently across his forehead. 

"I love you," she whispered, only a flicker of fear showing as she smiled down on him angelically. "And now you never get to die."

Kara leaned over him with wistful gentleness, kissing over his heart and pressing her cheek to it with a heavy sigh. The moment felt like a religious rite, and Lee was nearly stupid enough to promise his immortality. 

He made himself pause and think, his brain fighting away the brilliant haze of being loved by Kara Thrace. She would forgive him for breaking a promise not to die, but strong Starbuck loved him second to Apollo. When he was a god, he was never permitted to die. It would offend Starbuck to have her orders ignored. 

They had to live in the real world. Lee couldn't remove the possibility from her thoughts because she might have to go on without him. She didn't get to die, either. He'd take the blame for any number of her little rebellions, but he had hung the world on her fingers. She could spin it like a top and dizzy him forever, but she had to be. He needed someone around to accept his unconditional surrender.

"I'll say yes to anything you ask," he said. "I will try to do whatever you want. I think I might have loved you before I even lived, and I can't imagine what could stop me from loving you after death."

She was trembling. The mood had somehow kept all the love and lost the pleasure of holding her. Lee pulled her tight to him, destroyed by the tears that fell across his face. Kara stifled a noise and he rocked her frantically. 

"I will try so, so hard, Kara. I will fight to come home to you. Promise you'll come back to me," he whispered. 

"I'll come back," she said, muffled by his hands cupping her face. 

They had gone to many funerals since Zak's, for friends and pilots and whole worlds of people. Lee and Kara had to uphold a dignity to the uniform, and bravery in the face of loss. They had never mourned together. It wasn't something they'd ever had the time and privacy to indulge. Another battle would come, and they had to be out in it. Their roles were to show no notice of risk. 

All the training said to assume they would die, and somehow the certainty of it defeated the fear. They said goodbye thousands of times, eyes seeking across the hangar deck to connect a final time. 

The risk was tangible now. The warm, needy press of bodies could be taken away. The quiet, teasing words could be silenced. They had no guarantee of tomorrows, and Lee didn't believe in any gods watching over them. 

Luckily, sometimes he was a god, and Starbuck was his guardian. If any fear of death slipped through, it was quickly eclipsed by fear of Starbuck. Kara might weep over him, but her alter ego would flay him and wear his corpse as a part of her dress uniform. She would build a shrine in his honour to deface it, and curse his name.

"I give you permission to send that vicious flight instructor I keep hearing about after me," he said, smiling into her hair. "If I was dead a year, I'd jolt back into my body and try to run away."

Kara's hands met around his neck, and she purred a bemused sound on his cheek. "If you were dead a year, I'd be some black cloaked demon that could scare Starbuck. Your heart would stop the moment it restarted, and there'd be no use ever dying again. Besides, you're assuming you'd be allowed to keep those legs after breaking your promise."

Lee nodded. "I was assuming. Too bad for me. I like them, they get me around. They get along with your legs, when your legs are being nice," he whispered. 

The rises and falls of mood were a little sickening. One moment he was letting Kara's anxiety overwhelm him, and a few minutes later he was horny and elated; everything serious and of substance knocked out of his head. 

"One of these days, we are going to get mad at all the nuggets at once and make them scrub a deck with toothbrushes," Lee promised. "And then we're going to find an empty head and frak so loud in the shower someone is going to think that room is haunted."

"Private bathroom, nice," she replied. "I knew there had to be perks."

His hand strayed up to her breast, a deliberate line drawn lovingly with his thumb from one brazen nipple, following her skin across to the other. "Perks for days, and months and years and years. But I'll need my legs to hold us up."

They weren't having sex, which was a strain he was oddly used to bearing. Kara had initiated and he'd stopped her before they were naked. Quick satisfaction might be enough if they were starting out casual, but Lee needed time to let the experience meet the way he knew it would make him shatter. They would find privacy soon, or they would just start having frantic quickies in all the places their bawdy nuggets thought they were frakking. 

He was perfectly fine with an exquisitely romantic second time, too, but that first time had expectations he wanted to surpass. 

"I think I might only be myself once I can go down in flames with you, Kara," he told her. "It's the most violent, gruesome thing. If this kills us, I'd still want it."

She went completely serious, her fingers covering his mouth. "But we're rational people, and we know it won't. I don't need to burn everything to have you and no one dies on my watch."

Lee nodded, meeting her eyes so long he felt like Kara was reading his mind and pulling his doubts up like weeding a garden. He surprised them both by chuckling, hugging her as he fell back to the bed. 

A peaceful, sedate garden to tend would make her suicidal. He had to be a bit of a challenge, or she'd tire of him, too. 

"We have to live a very long life together," he said. "Our pack of bastard children gets larger every time I look."

"Maybe if you'd put out, I wouldn't have so much time to add to the nugget population," Kara murmured with sweet venom.

 

Lee's regular buisness concluded with a quirk of his eyebrow, and Kara's happy trot up to take the podium. She gave him a little shove to take her seat, and he went away with a resigned shake of his head. 

Her smiled was broad, the brazen Starbuck gleam of teeth and energy people either feared or craved. She brushed down her uniform and gave a stately nod as she waited for the titters of her audience of pilots to end. 

"So this is that part, where it kind of seems like that reality dating show they used to film on the Caprican vacation resorts, with people on deserted beaches trying to make matches," she said. "And his worship the CAG is well aware this is entertaining you guys. That's fine, too. Laughs are precious."

She looked at Lee, letting the contact linger. "Don't mistake the personal stuff for the times when we're hauling ass to the deck and barking orders. His orders go for everyone, including me. I never had any doubts about that, and I don't want anyone else to be confused. CAG trumps D-CAG on squadron decisions," she said. 

Kara gave the pilots a scan, her eyes finding mostly happy faces. "If I'm reading the room correctly, no one seems to be opposed to Lee and I making a go of it," she told them. "But, in case you are, we've deputized Helo to be the go-between. He'll listen to the issue, keep it anonymous and make sure we know if we're making life harder. It's unintentional, but we've been distracted. I can see how it might feel like you'd need to keep quiet. You don't, and it doesn't have to be an awkward scene. Tell Helo, get it off your chest."

She tapped a little rhythm on Zak's ring. "People aren't used to seeing me emotional like this. Maybe that's giving you some doubts. I wasn't a happy kid or teenager. I met someone who loved me, and I lost him. It felt like I'd set the universe off balance with my life improving. I felt like it was my fault."

"I thought being happy would be offensive," Kara said uneasily. "I was engaged, and my fiance died, and I believed the way to continue was to be desolate. So I was miserable, let it get as bad as it could without getting fired. I came to Galactica, drank too much and did some things that were just stupid. It worked for a while. I wasn't happy."

"Then Lee Adama showed up, and he was happy to see me. Which felt really amazing, better than I'd felt in years. It knocked something loose and I realized the drunk, stupid moments where I played cards all night were pockets of happiness and I'd made friends here. I laughed, I sparred in the gym. I took shore leave and had fun."

She shrugged, suddenly aware of how long she'd been talking. Kara really hadn't given Lee enough credit for all the days he'd been up here doing an emotional strip tease to show his before she'd even acknowledged they were more than friends.

"Trying not to have feelings might hide them, but it usually makes you treat certain people differently. It marks them for the universe. It says 'This person is important to me.' I used to think that was asking for trouble. The universe doesn't care if I'm happy - not in a kind or unkind way. I'm a tiny bit of all it has to do. My own paranoia took things away. So . . . a whole year later for some stupid reason, I think this is what being ready to commit looks like."

She lifted her chin, the anxiety joined by the mouthy certainty when she knew she was right. Kara managed a smile for Lee, who was unabashedly smiling at her like she was up there building new Vipers from worn out cutlery and blown-out circuit boards.

"I never said I was a quick learner outside the cockpit. Moving on in general was different from moving on with my fiance's brother. Except I know he loved me, and he loved Lee. There was no spite in Zak. He valued happiness. I don't know what would have happened if Lee and I had wanted to be together back then and told him. I think forgiveness," she said. 

Lee's gentle smile warmed her, not wavering for a second at his brother's name. The guilt had a shelf life, and Kara had been amazed to realize she'd really believed Zak would begrudge her anything in this life or the next.

"Between the choice of honouring his grave on an abandoned world, or honouring the person I know he was, I'm going to be wildly presumptuous - which is either my most charming self or my least. 

"I have no idea how this is going to work. Lee seems to have a plan, and it better be a good one. The end of the world came and went, and my feelings being hidden didn't prevent just like letting them free won't fix it. But it will make me happier, and that is a fitting tribute for Zak Adama."

She made sure to check the reactions carefully, trying not to single anyone out as she looked around the room. Her reputation came with a bit of a cost, and sometimes she was the last to know a nugget was having trouble. They hid it from her to avoid her notice. 

"But all that is history. You deserved to understand why this has been so dramatic and drawn out. The Admiral knows about it now, and there might be some scrutiny focused on the squadron. Lee and I have to work together," she told them seriously. "Tell us whatever you'd like to make sure you can still follow our orders. Help us iron out the issues so we can plan ahead. We want to stay together and protect the fleet. And if you can't bring yourself to say it to us, say it to Helo. He loves a good chat."

Kara was off the podium as she finished up. "Helo, tell them how ferocious you are about their confidentiality," she prompted. 

Karl Agathon stood up, hand to his heart. "Upon my stash of lollipops, I would die to protect your privacy, and will treat any infomation with respect and care."

"Upon his lollipops' sugary heads," she said. "Now that's a vow to trust. Thanks for listening to the whole thing, and good hunting. We are around if you need us."


	22. Orbiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I can't say that without standing back and risking every human life on their feelings being more help than harm," Adama said. "They have saved the entire fleet with the things they dare to attempt. My conscience won't let me ignore the potential of losing their partnership when we need it the most."

Walking into the Commander's office, Helo's every certainty about the right and proper course to follow crumpled in the vicious furrowing of Adama's forehead. He wasn't looking formidable or commanding, only old and troubled.

The greeting was gracious, but short. They were both far from eager but also didn't want to sit through more of this meeting than necessary. Karl knew he had two pilots waiting for him to report back every nuance of reaction he saw from Lee's worried father. It made a delicate situation read on two sensitive layers, fleet and family colliding with an ugly smash.

Adama handed him a glass of water and they sat on the sofa. The lack of formality confused some officers, and Helo reminded himself he was working. They were two military officers discussing a treacherous personal issue that happened to be Lee Adama's suddenly expressive adoration.

"Lee and Kara know their pilots need to have some outlet for misgivings if their superior officers are letting the work suffer. Um, I wasn't really sure what the protocol was for something like this," Helo explained. He set his folder down on the coffee table, leaving it for the Old Man.

"I started a file, but I didn't include any names in the version I have with me. The pilots were promised confidentiality. The more I thought about it, the more it felt like their concerns should maybe bypass usual chain of command, too. I can't really bring issues about the CAG to Lee. Then I thought about how Colonel Tigh and Kara don't get along . . . "

"It's a sticky situation," Adama agreed unhappily. "Without another ship to transfer one of them, I'm not sure there is a protocol other than the brig. I've long suspected Kara might like the beds in the brig better than her rack in officer's quarters."

"She's high-spirited, sir," Helo said, attempting to straddle loyalty down the middle. 

The Old Man smiled. "Are there any major complaints of special treatment or neglect of duties?"

"No, it's mostly a little concern about what happens if they're barred from getting together - " He gestured vaguely, realized what he was doing and quickly jammed his hands into his lap. It would be his luck to unconsciously give a crass hand signal while he was talking around any mention of sex. "That being forbidden to have a romantic relationship might damage their ability to work together and their concentration on the work."

"No inappropriate behaviour around the ship from them?" Adama seemed surprised, and that was awkward in itself. Kara wasn't discreet in her leisure for quite a while on the ship. 

"I believe they are not physical that way, yet, sir," Helo said, as carefully as he'd ever flown an asteroid field. "My impression is they are not, and since the feelings involved are so serious they are holding off."

"Holding off?" The tone of voice was irritated embarrassment, as if the words slipped out instead of a more tactical response. Adama did look like he'd be more cheerful directing a firing squad. 

Starbuck's air of mystery and reserve was going to suffer. She wouldn't be happy with being outed as a devout follower, but it didn't make sense to add confusion to spare Kara's self-consciousness. Helo knew Lee had always noticed a lot of the things about herself she'd hidden, and Kara would have to accept being seen fully. Her de facto father-in-law would have almost as much insight into her life. 

"Kara is rather religious, though she doesn't let it be known. Given a man she felt strongly about being with forever, she might choose to wait until things were official."

"They're planning a wedding?" Anger was definitely there, underneath a banner of war flushing across the man's cheeks. Adama leaned in, his hand slapping the seat behind him.

"NO, SIR! They are very happy with their time together as it stands, and I'm sure  
would welcome the privacy . . . but that privacy is fairly rare, so they are just hoping very sincerely they are able to have a fuller relationship in the future."

Helo took a sip of water and made it last, allowing the Commander to calm down. 

"They think my rolling over on this is a foregone conclusion."

Lee and Kara were strong because this man had insisted they keep fighting. His pride had elevated them as officers but it wouldn't help when they were pushing against his disapproval. Helo was always unnerved when Adama dropped his mellow style of command and his orders hit like actual blows.

"No, sir, they are both very worried you may well prevent them. Sir, I'm going to need to speak frankly, and maybe irritate you a little. It's in the interest of the squad and the fleet, I promise. I have a personal bias, but this is bigger than that."

"It's all rather too personal, Helo. Go ahead."

"The pilots understand how Kara and Lee work off each other. They support one another, and when one is in trouble the other can help. Breaking them up forcibly would put them both in a bad place at the same time. They're tough, they would cope, but they have invested in this. They don't have anywhere to step back. They eat, sleep and work together. A good portion of their personal stakes in surviving comes from knowing they can be close and openly enjoy their bond."

"I don't relish the suffering of my crew or my family," Adama sighed. "I have no desire to deny my son happiness."

"I know, Sir. What I'm trying to say is it has gone just about as serious as it can go without a wedding. They're wobbly but they are in it. Making them step back will hurt them in a way I think would make them less capable of surviving," Karl said quietly. "I knew Kara and Lee had an attraction, but I never knew it was this deep. It's not history between them now. Lee lives for her and Kara lives for him."

Adama's face twisted and he stood up, pacing in angry strides. He stared at the wall for a moment and forced his hands to open at his sides. 

"You think they're in danger of giving up without being together," he asked.

He didn't want to be manipulative or make them sound actually unhinged. Lee and Kara would live through breaking up. They just would recover to be as happy ever again, and Helo believed their dangerous existence required a basic level of hope for good things in the future. Everything was too hard otherwise. 

"I think they always just assumed they wouldn't find anyone after the end of the worlds. They were each thinking their feelings were one-sided and feeling guilty for having them. And then Lee got crazy brave one day and blew both their minds. He was doing a suicide run and he stuck the landing. He didn't know what to do when he didn't wipe out."

Scrubbing his face like he was nursing a toothache, the Old Man sighed. "So you're saying the danger isn't failure, it's success? Lee didn't want Kara to want him back."

"He wanted it but he didn't believe it, not until it she responded. And, sir, they're both equally surprised whenever they get any acceptance. Everyone else is terrified of what might happen if their hopes crash now."

"That is why you don't date your fellow officers," Adama barked. "Frak! They both know better. If it was anyone else I could see it not being a dramatic change. They are the two best pilots in the only squadron left. People know them by name and callsign. I can't pretend their actions aren't noticed."

Helo looked away as the Commander paced for another charged moment. 

"I'm sorry, Karl. I know this is awkward for you as well. I appreciate your loyalty to the ship and to your friends," he said more calmly. "Kara and Lee must know they are famous in the fleet. I can't pretend they're not breaking one of our most important rules in the military."

His tall body shifted and coiled a little, bracing for yet another outburst of outrage. Helo shrugged with the motion, and nodded. "I know, sir. It's difficult. I also know it's not my place to tell you what to do, but - Can I ask whether you're more worried about the ripple effect on the crew or about Lee and Kara personally?"

The chilly look he received was weary. "Lee has never believed I cared about him as a father, only as an officer. I don't know what to do to convince him. I love them both like my children. That's at the forefront of my mind even when I give orders that put them in harm's way. But my duty to the fleet demands I think about what kind of example it sets to let my son date as he likes. Kara and Lee have been vital on every mission they've flown. I need them to do their jobs or I have my doubts any of us will survive."

"Lee has been doing his job carrying this around, and Kara was less aware of it but she felt it, too. They see the possible issues clearly," Helo said. "Sir, perhaps for the sake of the debate, you could consider - in the hypothetical - is there a way it could be okay for them to be together?"

"I can't say that without standing back and risking every human life on their feelings being more help than harm," Adama said. "They have saved the entire fleet with the things they dare to attempt. My conscience won't let me ignore the potential of losing their partnership when we need it the most."

That felt like the opening Helo needed to point out the two best pilots were only the best from being paired up, Apollo's cool head directing Starbuck's fearless skill.

"Maybe what you're so worried about preserving was always just the same thing they want without the awkward notion of their romantic feelings. And maybe their essential service to the fleet means they deserve some exceptional notice, sir. They're willing to fight you on this. The splintered interests might not be letting them try, but standing in their way because it might be a problem."

"Would you risk your life on Kara's ability to stay with one man happily," Adama said scathingly. "Would you being willing to trust that relationship to be a positive influence on her?"

Helo made a face he tried to conceal, before he realized he wanted the commander to see he was disgusted. 

"I'm not sure who should be insulted by that. I'm beginning to think your praise for Lee and Kara means nothing unless they're doing exactly what you want," he said stiffly. "I would trust Lee and Kara to protect the fleet. I just think they'd be better at it without broken hearts."

"I can't go easy on them, Helo. He's my son and she's our best pilot. I can't gamble on them."

"We're a year into the apocalypse, sir. Everything is a gamble."

"There are too many gambles, and this isn't one I choose to accept," Adama said firmly. "Can I assume you'll be going back to tell Lee and Kara what we've talked about?"

Karl hesitated. Maybe he could do more to help by pretending to have some misgivings of his own and changing his mind later. It would only work if he first distanced himself from his friendship with Kara. He paused too long, and caught a wry expression cross the Commander's face.

"I would like to, sir. I've said I would let them know how the meeting went," he said quietly. "They're the ones who thought the pilots deserved a way to complain. It seems only fair to let them know the results. They realize they are causing the problem and want to help fix it."

"They know how to fix it."

There was no openness to the Commander's face, no slack in his posture as he crossed his arms across his chest. Helo could tell he was done, but he couldn't leave it there. The door had to be open for compromise. If some relaxed regs allowed Kara to be with Lee, she'd follow them as strenuously as Lee followed every other rule. 

"It's not going away. It's been there all along. Some days it's helped us and others it's hurt us. But we're not machines, sir. Lee and Kara are agreed they want it and the feelings are going to thrive," Helo said, squaring his shoulders. "Can I pass along the minutes to them,sir?"

Adama downed his water and grimaced. "Tell them. And tell Kara I want to see her tomorrow morning. I'm curious what she makes of all of this."

Karl held in a shrug, because he was also curious how Starbuck was feeling about making Apollo her partner. He nodded, stood up to sketch a salute and got out before he said something that sent him to the brig. 

 

Lee was being a frakking idiot. First he didn't want to frak her because it needed to be special and not rushed, and now he was trying to get between her and the Old Man. She got along better with his father than he ever had, and everyone knew that.

"I'll go with you." 

His face was drawn, uneasy with nerves. He would get up there and start yelling instead of putting up the act of being rational people making an adult decision. Then Adama would get angry, and Kara would have to be the grown-up in the room. It wasn't her forte. She didn't think getting into a fight would show they were able to have a sane relationship that didn't crash the ship and doom the fleet.

"No, you should stay here. You met with him alone and I should be able to do the same." Kara left the dress uniform she was trying to iron, and walked over to stand in front of Lee.

"I think that was my mistake. We need to present a united front. We need to show him we're not giving in." His gaze was all over the place, as if searching for a sniper in the open racks of quarters. He reached out and she took his hand without complaint. 

She wasn't giving him up, so people had better get used to seeing her touch Lee gently, implacably and without any shame. 

"Lee, I fight with you on everything you've ever said. Do you think I won't argue now when it matters?"

She'd fight this little war, too, and the Cylons could just wait a while. She was busy.

"I don't want you to be alone," he whispered. 

There might be the smallest potential being with Lee would dull her when she needed to be her most brutal. Kara decided she didn't care and wouldn't worry about it until being mushy with Lee leached her Starbuck ruthlessness from her card games. 

"Unless you manage to jump ship and hide from me, I'll see you after. It's the commander. He's just a man, and he loves both of us," Kara said plainly. "He needs to hear I feel the same way you do, and he'll only believe I mean it if I go myself. Otherwise he'll imagine some weird cabin fever has set in and you pressured me to go along with your feelings."

Lee's face went pale, and he stepped away, crossing his arms. She glanced away from him and sighed. 

"And even me saying it dismissively gave you a moment where you wondered if you had. That is the Adama pessimism, and that is what I have to defeat. I don't need more of it in the room with me - no offense."

"Why would I be offended by that," he said helplessly. Lee collapsed on his bunk, covering his face with his arm. 

Kara followed him, sneaking a fingertip under the buttons of his jacket. She petted his chest and leaned over him. 

"The Old Man thinks he might be able to change my mind, that's all. It comes from caring about us, but he's wrong. He thinks this is some new thing that one of us decided is the key to smoothing out all our weird undercurrents. He was okay with us being friends or like brother and sister, and he imagined us that way. He looks at you and sees little Leland as tall as his knee. He looks at me and see someone who's never settled down without frakking it up. He deserves to question it. But when I answer, you can't be there looking nervous when I tell him it's not going to be over anytime soon."

Lee's arm came away from his face and he looked sheepishly hopeful. 

"What will you say about the regs?"

Kara picked a tiny bit of lint off his uniform, and wondered how she'd fallen so hard she was grooming him like an ape. It didn't stop her from popping down for a quick kiss.

"What about them? He can't make us the exception a million times and then suddenly decide we are not. I don't want special treatment that hurts other people," she told him, getting up to continue tidying her own clothes. "I want him to see I'm not waiting for permission to love you. And I can't do that if you're there looking shocked. We're both resolved and he needs to see it."

Lee got the same astonished glow of happiness every time she said it, as if it was something he'd forgotten until hearing it again. His unrequited love act was seriously straining her patience. She could only say it so many times a day before they were disrupting the good running of the military. Her frown must have lingered longer than she intended. 

"I'm not shocked." Lee sat up and brushed at his buttons, putting on his reassuring CAG face.

He was the worst liar. Truth seeped into the air from his pores even as he tried to loosen up his knotted shoulders.

"Your eyebrows went to the back of your head and had to climb your hair to go back where they belong. Stop being shocked. It's happening. Besides, the Old Man kept my picture of you, me and Zak. I want it back. You were young and handsome then and I liked my hair."

Faintly, behind her back as she carefully tried to press her increasingly worn out pants, Kara heard Lee grumble. "Young and handsome then?"

She made a point of moving around more than necessary and waving her ass in his face. There was no point worrying. They would win the Commander over or creep around behind his back until it would be excruciatingly petty to complain their relationship was the downfall of the fleet.


	23. Stunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There are people in ranks where I could see allowing it. You and Lee are so visible. You punch one another on the flight deck. I assume your fight more recently with Helo was about Lee, too. Discipline is the one thing that can hold us together to get these people to safety," Adama told her, his words edging so close to an apology she had to believe he wanted to give in.

If the entire Cylon fleet attacked now, it might be a relaxing break from all this, Helo thought wryly.

Lee was pacing like Kara had just gone in to have surgery or deliver a baby. He walked and stopped suddenly, looking at the door as if willing it to give her back. He put his hands in his pockets, hunched until he caught himself slouching, and forced his lungs to release air. Drama clung to him like the ridiculous sheen of sweat that beaded on his forehead. 

It's possible Lee believes his father is a serial killer preying on blonde pilots, Karl thought, and Kara is next. Or vice versa. 

Helo considered hitting him with a chair and letting him wake up later when everything was over. If he'd thought to ask Kara's permission first, he wouldn't even hesitate. Lee really looked like the sleep was needed badly.

"I should have gone."

"She didn't want you to go with her. Kara's independence isn't going to go away because she loves you," Helo said. "Telling her she can't do something on her own is never going to make her run into your arms. She likes you because you let her be capable. Don't screw that up."

Lee paused, his neck craned to look at Helo. "Did she say something to you?"

The Raptor pilot marveled at Lee's sensitivity to every mention of Kara's discontent. Anyone looking for an argument need only breathe her name without the accompanying awe and rapture of her lover. Karl wished them well, but he did wonder how Lee and Kara would cope with jealousy and all the scrutiny of becoming an official couple in a tiny population. Kara previous infamy would be resurrected, and Lee's surrender to her charms would be added to the bonfire.

Her party persona didn't make her any more available to the men who'd dared to try to date her instead of offering themselves for a friendly romp. Kara was unavailable in a way that tempted arrogant men to try her out. It truly hadn't mattered to her who was asking, until Lee figured out his approach.

"Kara is happy," Helo told him seriously. "She's worried about the Old Man's reaction, but she loves you."

Lee only grunted, his eyes slightly less wild when they fixed on the doorway and directed his will for Kara's fast and triumphant return. 

 

Her uniform was itchy. Kara would normally sneak her finger under her collar but she was holding back. This was supposed to be an example of her ability to be a professional soldier as well as a skilled pilot who tended to be a wild card. This was her good first impression to Lee's family. 

She felt her disadvantage plainly. Adama knew her. Her file was half recriminations and half commendations. She could fly like the devil himself and misbehave nearly as well. She pulled up out of her worse impulses enough to do the job. Her history didn't include one appropriate relationship like the one Lee wanted with her. She'd never dated like someone looking for a future. 

Tripping over Zak in her class was her one great love, as far as his father was concerned. Losing his son had shaken both of them. He'd intervened in her career to preserve it. Serving on Galactica had saved her drunk ass long before the worlds were wiped out. Kara was grateful the Old Man had cared enough to bother. She was also beginning to realize she'd been ready to move on before the Cylons made it impossible. 

Imagining another ship was hard, but a new start was a welcome thought. Her whole childhood was starting without finishing. Here, under William Adama's command, she'd finally worked all the way to the end of something she'd begun. It was neat and satisfying. She hadn't known her dedication to the fleet could be a personal salvation, too. 

Then there was Lee, and it became way too personal, which got them here. She wasn't even sure if she was in trouble; another vivid novelty. She was usually able to formulate some pretty good excuses. 

"You can sit down, Kara," Adama said, a note of humour in his tone. He wasn't fooled by her good posture and absence of snark.

She took the uncomfortable chair she'd been hiding behind. Her body refused be at ease. She had mussed her hair scratching at her neck, and it felt messy. Her hair gel had been extinct for months. 

"Thank you, sir." She looked at him, but couldn't read his mood. He wasn't happy, but he would want to know the particulars from her side, too. He'd be neutral, or something cautious until the situation was clear. 

"I need to know if you've been willing in this situation with Lee," he said, looking at her earnestly. 

Oh, frak. This stoic Adama act irked her. Lee wouldn't ever use his rank to get a girlfriend. His morals were the only thing stopping them from just setting up house and enjoying it. She was really wondering how someone so upright managed the leap to hit on her once. If she'd been any kind of fearful, he would have apologized a million times and never bothered her again.

"Lee has always listened to me, and he waited until he knew my interest before there was anything except conversation," Kara said clearly. "He's more careful about giving orders than any CAG you could have. He does not take advantage of his position, except to use the way we got thrown working together as a start."

"I'm glad to hear it, but I want to say specifically there is no leeway here for my son. If his rank is used as persuasion, I want to know immediately. My officers do not use and abuse one another for entertainment," the Old Man said sternly. 

Kara could tell stories, but it was true everyone on board should have the basic self defense skills to stand up for themselves. Those who might not have the physical advantage had friends who did. Sexual partners were not scarce with everyone piled into communal living, and no one had the energy to devote to harassment. No one needed extra enemies. 

She didn't imagine any such security on the civilian ships, but the military personnel had their share of conflict without looking for more. Excepting herself and Lee doing this stupid, stupid thing, because they had become idiots in love.

"This isn't that, sir. Lee is my friend, too. He wouldn't want to do harm to anyone. It's genuinely as simple as wanting to be together," she said. "It's unfortunate his upright morality doesn't let him test the waters without knowing he can offer a recognized relationship. If it were anyone else, I might have pushed to hide it a few months and show you it was business as usual. Lee has been having a lot of honest moments lately, so we are here to declare ourselves."

Adama folded his hands across his middle, giving his best neutral focus. "What would you call this declaration? Does it have a name?"

She had anticipated this. Everyone knew she would be the hold out for the real thing. Naming it was tricky, and she knew exactly what it was. Kara didn't mess around with denial once it failed to give her the out she'd hoped.

"We're in love. We know marriage may not be possible. But otherwise we are in what I suppose would be a common law relationship back home. Or a handfasting, if Lee remembers his history books correctly. War doesn't leave a lot of time for dates, and it would be absurd to pretend we need that long to ramp up. We'll do our jobs, and spend our free time quietly together."

His gaze went to the floor, obviously an attempt to dredge courage and patience from the well of calm leadership. Kara did her best to sit quietly, but her hips wanted to slide her off her chair and into tactical retreat across the floor. She lifted her chin proudly and reminded herself this was a formality. The relationship existed without permission. She pretty much operated without permission every time she flew. 

In her less humble moments, she might argue her phenomenal success rate at killing Cylons and getting back alive was a direct result of doing whatever she felt necessary at the time. She had always heard she was stubborn. Delightfully, Lee was also showing a very sexy bullheaded streak that made her hot.

"Fleet regulations will never allow officers as close in the chain of command as you and Lee to marry," Adama told her. "I won't change the rules for you. What kind of married life do you imagine you can manage? Should I expect I'll be hearing about a pregnancy next? I can't even give you both leave on the same day. Do you really believe this will satisfy both of you?"

She shook her head. "No. But I will take it, and so will Lee. The pilots don't seem overly concerned they'll be neglected. We'll do our best not to shirk duties or alienate our fellow officers. Respectfully, sir, we're nowhere near the only couple on board," she said carefully. 

His chair had to be as uncomfortable as her own, because he launched out of it and stood at the corner of the desk. The Commander lifted his hands in a helpless gesture, and pounded a fist silently on the wood. 

"There's no happy ending in this, Kara," he said. "I don't see it going well. I'm sorry. I don't want you or Lee to feel lonely or undervalued, but where is this coming from? It looks desperate. It looks like some kind of post-traumatic stress symptom that jumped from Lee to you. I can't let regulations slack up, and that means I have to tell you it's impossible."

She didn't realize it would hurt, but the words connected with the sore-hearted doubts from childhood. Lee had said his father wouldn't approve, but she'd been counting on his pragmatism to kick in. She won little victories with Adama all the time - only because he let her, but the wins counted. Lee was too worried about the times his father showed stiff-necked pride. She'd believed in a fair hearing today.

"I honestly expected you'd have something practical to tell me that was different from Lee's pitch, but you're just repeating him to me," he said sternly. "This doesn't feel like you, or like a lasting sentiment. What do we do if it goes to hell and my CAG and D-CAG can't be in the same room?"

Kara stood up quickly, took a step and realized she had to stand still and fight it out calmly. The urge to stomp around made her feet twitch in her boots. 

"We cope, like when there was no water or when no one could get more than twenty minutes sleep between attacks. You keep talking about failure, and I was here to remind you all of us existing is success. The air group dragged every survivor safely this far."

He was about to reply, but she went first, her tone going sharper. "This is personal, and your issues with it seem personal. I think if you saw Lee out with Dualla you'd think it was adorable and be all for it. We're trying to show we recognize the ranking issues, and give you a way to hold us accountable for our off-duty lives. How is that not enough?"

His pride had been stung, and Adama clenched both fists. "You and Lee have been having your own little war, and it doesn't feel like an answer to let you try playing at unrequited love. I don't think you're compatible, and I don't see a future there. Let me remind you, as well, I always have the power to question any officer about their off-duty activities. You don't have to extend my own power to me."

He pointed at her coldly, both of them swaying with emotion. She had gone off her script, but he'd called her on it first. Kara swallowed a sour feeling from her throat and let herself speak what had been on the tip of her tongue anyway.

"I think you still blame me for Zak's death," she said harshly, her eyes welling. "You're afraid I'll kill Lee, too."

Adama stopped, his hands at a loss between gestures. She watched as he slumped, his body folding into a chair as he exhaled. 

"I don't blame you for Zak, Kara."

She shifted on her feet, not sure how to take the change of posture. If it was a display of weakness, Kara needed to maintain her own show of strength. If he was trying to guilt her, she had to uphold her own demands. It wasn't enough that he worried about Lee, especially after the years of distance. Lee was stuck with his father, but he had chosen to love her. Eventually she might even deserve it, and that was the cause of the day. 

"I don't believe you," she said. There was no place to hesitate in battle, and she really wanted to know if her forgiveness was real. She'd come back from the dead and been welcomed, and neither Lee or his father had the stomach for grudges. 

"I have had years to think back on what happened to put Zak in the air that day. I pushed him to the fleet and I encouraged him to enter flight training. I insisted whatever misgivings he had were beginner's nerves," the Old Man said slowly. "My sons were both well-liked. People enjoyed their company and wanted to help them. Your affection and your kindness wasn't the first time Zak had coasted by on favours. His grades were not impressive. Lee was always about doing the work and making sure he was prepared. Zak may not have gone as far as your classroom except people liked to assume he was going to work harder and do better as he advanced in his training."

Kara's face was hot, but she knew this about her late fiance. She'd seen the laziness and known he wasn't for the fleet, not without some of the family dedication kicking in with a few years of maturing. She still wanted to argue Zak was so promising it might have been worth risking. Time wasn't giving her any clarity, but he'd been bright overall. 

As if he'd heard her thoughts, her boss kept speaking gently. 

"You passed him because you felt the same. He might not have been ready but he had the ability to get there. Lee always felt the need to show his potential, but Zak didn't have the ego for that. He wanted to enjoy life more and work less. I can admit it now, whereas before - "

Adama gave a long, painful blink, pinching at the bridge of his nose. Her chest was aching, but if he wasn't going to break down she wouldn't either.

"If you had failed Zak, I am certain it would have upset him. He would have told his mother, and I would have heard from one of my friends. I would like to say I'd accept Zak's grades and urge him to work harder in the future. Even if I agreed, I probably would have listened to Carolanne and interfered. I was never good with fleet politics. I never dreamed of a homeworld posting with a big office. I just wanted to fly, and I wanted it for my sons. You didn't kill Zak. You spared me from thinking I had killed him. I would have pulled strings, out of love and out of pride. At least you were acting from love."

Kara wavered, closing a fist around the ring still on her thumb. It was probably time to take that off, but it gave her comfort when she needed to hold herself together.

"Zak knew you loved him," she said hoarsely. "And I think if he could decide which of us killed him, he'd laugh at us for even having the conversation. It was a string of mistakes. I let him graduate while doubting his skills. You encouraged him to a career that might not have suited him. Zak made an error that caused the crash. I don't think anyone involved knew the whole situation enough to change what happened."

They were off topic, dangerously so. Lee was counting on her to push this beyond a passing attachment they'd imagined to keep the cold of space out. She was not over Zak dying, and his father and brother would never be. But she would not be talked down to, as if she'd stupidly mistaken one Adama son for another. 

"And, most importantly, this can't be about Zak because it's about the future. My heart is still broken he doesn't get to have one, but Lee and I do. We want it to be together."

She and Lee couldn't both start bickering with his father. Kara was very specific with her tone. She was insisting, but she wasn't going to let this be another failed meeting because her feelings were hurt. It was kind of funny in an antiquated way to have to ask for Lee's blushing hand. Adama was lucky she was willing to take his high maintenance son without a proper dowry of spare socks, private quarters and a Raptor for personal use. 

"It was irresponsible to let this grow out of hand, Kara. You both knew the regs. You've seen the fallout."

The frakking Cylons kept ruining things for her, first her good memories on Caprica and now her personal happiness. It was an excuse on the Commander's part, but she would have to refute it like it wasn't an unfair comparison. Loyal officers didn't whine, they held thoughtful and respectful debate.

"You mean Boomer and the Chief? She was a Cylon, and who she was sneaking around with turned out to be the least of the trouble," Kara said. "As for everybody else, it's starting to happen a lot of places we don't need additional drama. There are so few of us, sir. People are hopeful and want to live. They want some of the things they aspired to have. One of those is relationships that last more than a drunk encounter."

She sensed her candor wasn't appreciated. Giving him even more hopeful couples to spot wasn't going to make her daughter-in-law of the year. He strolled away with his hands on his hips, turning back with a pleading look in his eyes.

"There are people in ranks where I could see allowing it. You and Lee are so visible. You punch one another on the flight deck. I assume your fight more recently with Helo was about Lee, too. Discipline is the one thing that can hold us together to get these people to safety," Adama told her, his words edging so close to an apology she had to believe he wanted to give in. 

He needed a good reason; a big, amazing reason why their volatility was going to fuel them to work hard instead of screwing things up. All Kara had was a promise. Her personal guarantee meant something most days. She scratched underneath her stupid collar and folded her hands in her lap with a sigh. 

"I believe you can get us to a new world, sir, but I'm not sure I'll be there to enjoy it. I'm not sure Lee will, either. I think people might comprehend our wanting someone of our own while we protect their loved ones. We want our own little chance to live while we can," she said, trying to come up with words that added up to something she could barter.

"And where do you see it going?"

He was asking as if they could plot anything anymore. Career and family planning was for people who knew they were going to be around. Kara couldn't stop a big, frustrated shrug. 

"Destination unknown, sir, like the rest of everything we do. I hope we find a safe place. I hope normal life is something I get to experience again," she told him. "I'm not ready for my fleet career to be over but I also don't want to be single and retiring in my fifties with a bum knee and no one in my life except old drinking buddies. Lee and I are not special. We want to try this, no better or worse than any other poor soul who's still breathing."

She would not argue their basic human need for companionship. It had to be understood they were practically part of their planes, but inside it was humanity. Inside, she was afraid this might fall apart.

"It will effect your duties."

Bad mess hall food did the same. So did no sleep, showering in cold water for weeks while repair crews hunted up spare pipes, and running out of the lotion that kept her feet from getting dried out as she cooked in her flight suit. Kara was starting to lose her temper again. She couldn't handle repeating the whole conversation until the Commander was persuaded his kids didn't see themselves as siblings.

"Some would say the same about having your own son as CAG. We do our best and it's been enough. We're stronger in the roles we have because we work well together. Maybe it becomes a fair trade off; simpatico adds to skill so doubts don't screw it up. A lot of our plans require everyone with a set of wings to attack the Cylons. There is no safe place where he can sideline me to protect me. We've agreed I go out just like I always have. The only difference is we've promised to try to make it back."

The frown she got at the end of that speech was fatherly, the last thing she needed when she was trying to remind Adama she had never married into his family. She would like to, but she hadn't been adopted. She had no father to object to her choice. 

Adama had a book in his hands, and for a moment he gestured as if it was relevant. Kara nearly reached for it, but he hugged it back to his chest with both hands. 

"I'm not sure what you expect from me. My duty in this is to warn you to separate before I have to officially punish you for breaking regulations. I don't have another ship for you, Kara - I don't even have a spare rack so you won't have to live knocking elbows when you get dressed. There is no distance to be had for either of you in any outcome."

She was failing. She was dancing the good soldier dance as best she could, adding steps of surrogate daughter and entreating citizen. She knew it was confusing. A month ago she would have been horrified to have this man realize the sexual chemistry between herself and Lee. Now she was tempted to get Lee up there to demonstrate.

"It's a drastic change from your viewpoint, I know that. Please don't take this from us without a good cause. Think about it. Really think about it. You've heard from Lee and I. You know Helo is advocating for the pilots about us. Ask anyone you trust," she said quickly. 

"Just give it a few days and treat it like any other important military matter. We're treating it with so much weight, I want to know you decided with your rank. And if you say no to the whole thing, I'll make sure Lee accepts the decision so we can still work together."

Adama closed his eyes. The whole situation was a nightmare as a father. He didn't want to see anyone he loved miserable and resentful. If Lee had fallen in love, he wanted to be pleased and supportive. He didn't want this foreboding that any choice was going to do harm.

"It's a deal," he said firmly. "I'll take my time and make the best call. I need you to make sure Lee doesn't do anything disruptive to get ahead of me on that."

They met eyes awkwardly, and the Old Man shook his head. "It's odd asking you to keep him in line."

Kara smiled weakly. "It's been a strange role reversal, sir. I'll keep him under wraps until we hear from you. I should probably go find him before he gets worried."

"Yes, yes, dismissed. I'll schedule a meeting with you both when I have . . . news," he said awkwardly. 

She flickered to attention for a split second, her limbs sinking under a fresh tension. She'd gone from informing the Old Man of their situation to negotiating. She'd left him with a proposed course of action, and promised her cooperation. 

Kara walked as quickly as was decent to Lee's office, let herself in with a faltering step, and went right to Lee for a hug. He gripped her hard, and she wished his arms felt a fraction less heavenly.

"Kara?"

"I did something," she said unsteadily. "I told him I'd - that we'd both - I didn't mean to, but I made a deal. He wasn't listening and I just needed the time to - I said we'd go along with whatever he decides, as long as he puts as much effort into being fair as he would for a military action. We have a few days while he consults with people who know us, and then he's going to let us know."

Lee kept hold of her and urged her back to look at her stricken face. His head shook, as if he couldn't process her error. Behind her back, Kara heard Helo clear his throat and sum up the day.

"Frakking hell."


	24. Retreat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you think Lee is too old to be grounded by his father," Adama asked ironically. 
> 
> "I'm sure you could make it work, but only by luring him into the brig by putting Kara in there first. Once those doors are locked, there's pretty much one thing they can do to pass the time. I do think you'd enjoy grandbabies, though. I recall there are twins on Carolanne's side of the family."

His final stint on a ship was like a ride through Hell freezing over, one unprecedented problem after another like wandering Purgatory and trying to put out fires with a dwindling cup of water.

Commander William Adama had a headache to split the hull, and he took himself down to Doc Cottle to get something more medically sound than a few too many drinks. He knew Saul would be glad to join him in a bottle and a good, long bitch session about Kara. He wanted input to help him make the call, and his XO would never tire of venting about Starbuck.

It didn't seem fair to do that to her when she'd looked so young and uncertain. Her cheeks had been bright pink the entire meeting. Her feelings were real to her, and young as she was it probably seemed vital. Lee was crazed with it, and he was one of very few people who Kara considered important in her life. 

Bill wanted to believe his son would never hurt her, or try to fool her into reciprocating an attraction from such uneven footing. He wanted to give Kara her due for being tough, but he'd also seen her suffer unduly from performance anxiety and loneliness. She bottled her issues and overflowed. Lee seemed to have stopped holding back anything, and that wasn't reassuring either. 

They might be ill. Actual sickness could be a good thing. Love wasn't treatable. He'd left Carolanne but never taken back all the parts of his life he'd thought it only fair a wife should have. 

And Bill would never say so, or disrespect his love of his children by regretting their births, but pure logic said he should never have married her. He didn't want to see Lee learning that lesson. 

Cottle took one look at his fingers trying to knead through to his eye socket and diagnosed a stress headache. 

"I could give you a painkiller and sedate you here to let you sleep it off," he said gruffly. "Or we could have a talk and see if it helps the inflammation."

The whole ship knew Starbuck had a meeting with Adama. The whole ship was not really that many people. Bill sometimes lamented his small crew against endless Cylons, but he also blessed the chance to keep things like Kara's antics internal. It worked like a colony, and no one was beyond needing tolerance for some graceless moments. 

"I'll try the second one, if you have the time."

No one demanded Cottle's time unless he had it to spare. Bill guessed he wasn't immune to the rumours about the pilots. He treated pilots more often than a lot of the other officers. His love-hate bickering with Starbuck after an injury was almost as bad as Lee arguing with her to be more careful.

"I have the time. I can also probably name your headache Kara," Cottle said blandly. "And the upset stomach Lee?"

Bill was aware of many pairings of officers that could be written off as close friendships or written up as frat regulation infractions. He made a note mentally of anything that was particularly troubling, and otherwise left it alone. Knew, but didn't see it with his own two eyes because that would require him to start wondering just how many of his people were ignoring some of their life-saving rules. 

"I was calling them Starbuck and Apollo, respectively," he said, taking the stool that was rolled toward him. 

"Oh, I think this is a whole new situation. I've seen those two loving one another all along. She gets all of his best rage. I've come close to needing my sidearm to get him off her long enough to save her life. They were nervous with each other off duty, though, had to act like buddies. Starbuck and Apollo might be tame compared to Kara and Lee," the doc said knowingly. "It might be good for them. She sighs his name in her sleep anyway, and he just talks to her the whole night. Your son giggles while he dreams about her."

Adama sighed. He hadn't been unaware, but this declaration was like a declaration of war on his regard for privacy. Those who could keep it quiet could have as much as they could make of one another inside the tight confines of their duties. Those who thrived on dramatic agonies would be found out and the thing nipped in the bud. 

"What do you make of them, Sherman?" His question came out like a sigh, almost rhetorical.

"Mad as hatters, though he hides it better," Cottle said bluntly. He had two doubles poured up in real glass tumblers, and a lit cigarette in his mouth.

"I mean - I know everyone has some mental strain and trauma, but are Lee and Kara showing signs of particular instability?"

Bill sipped his drink and called it medicine because he was under a doctor's supervision. If Kara only knew Cottle had the best stocked bar left on Galactica, she'd be much better friends with her doctor.

"You want me to tell you they're crazy for thinking they're in love," the Doc said ironically. "All the old love songs say they are, and that's the beautiful part we have no right to pick on. Medically, Kara is as stable now as she ever has been under my care. Lee is better at isolating himself, but he shows no signs of hiding symptoms to concern me that way."

"So should I let them?" It was nice for a moment to think about ignoring caution and making people happy. Whatever Lee and Kara wanted to think, Bill wanted them to have good lives.

"That's a fleet discipline issue. I can't prescribe a wedding or speak fairly. The problem is I'm not sure you're equipped to do that. Tigh is even worse, and this is not the sort of thing allowed to go beyond military ears. Your decision will set a precedent. It would be great to run it by a panel of war college graduates, but I know that list is short and problematic."

And populated at by at least two Adamas, one obviously very supportive of a relationship that was his idea. Quietly allowing his executive officers to handle decisions about Lee by abstaining didn't work when Tigh would chair the group and bring his irrational hatred of Kara.

"Frak," Adama pronounced crisply, letting the curse hang in the room with his best public speaking volume.

"Agreed. Safest would be to let them sneak around. They live in quarters together, they run the pilots. That might actually be the closest to a picket fence and a pack of kids in the yard anyone has left. They could be convinced to fake a breakup and just go back to being friends who are a little too close."

"Kids . . . Starbuck has never caused me to wonder what I'd do if she fell pregnant by accident," he said wistfully. "Maybe it's sexist, but every female pilot I always had that thought before giving them a post."

"Hell, what if it's not by accident but by having sex with your son," Cottle said, smirking into his drink. "Even soldiers have a biological urge to reproduce. Maybe you'll like having grandchildren."

"Gods, you're not helping." Bill felt his hand trace the tiny form of a baby in the crook of his arm. He would love a grandchild with the combined intensity of his feelings for both Kara and Lee, and live to be a thousand if that's what it took to get that kid a new world to grow up.

Kara's golden immaturity fused with Lee's heavy head and constancy, in a small being that would inherit enough piloting skills to grow his own wings flew through Bill's mind like a cherub. He could love the idea better than the reality of that much of his heart stolen by one fragile child. He had the charge of every child of all humanity, age no difference when it came down to it. The potential of the very new couldn't overthrow the people who were his survivors. 

The hopes he had for every good thing for his son couldn't make him take away Lee's wings and set him behind a desk to safeguard the family legacy. The best pilots were needed the most, and he couldn't only be proud of Lee in the abstract. His son was a fine officer because he'd been honed by his struggles.

"I don't recall promising I could, sir. I think I've said there was no helping Kara Thrace unless you just stood back and let her get the crazy out somewhere productive. He's her next of kin, you know?"

Thrown by the sudden change of topic, Adama shifted in his seat. "Pardon me?"

"Lee is Kara's next of kin. When I made everyone choose someone new to put down, Helo was missing on Caprica. You were the only Commander left, in charge of the only survivors we knew existed. She put down Lee and he put her down as his next of kin after you. Came in together to fill out the papers only a few days after that first stretch of jumping every 33 minutes. I remember because I was surprised they were that friendly."

"How friendly?" Suspicion made the commander scowl, an ugly expression. 

"Not that friendly. Close though, bonded, like they were buddies from way back. He pretty well got her flying again after her knee was torn up. I wasn't sure the surgery was enough, but Lee made her limp around and work out until it wasn't excruciatingly painful. He wanted her back to work, and she listened."

Next he was going to find out they were secretly married, or that a grandchild was on the way regardless of his decision. Kara never did answer him about being pregnant. 

"Kara loves flying." He was unconvincing to himself. She loved flying, but battles cost her lives of her nuggets. And she was a second mother to her nuggets like he had taken a paternal interest in the officers he saw every day.

"And she loves you. And apparently she loves both your sons. Evidently, she has a type," Cottle said philosophically. 

Scoffing, Adama rubbed at a wrinkle in his pants. "She asked me to ask anyone I thought could have insight before I decide. Kara told me she'll do her duty and take the order if I have to reprimand them. She said she'd accept it if I truly felt they would endanger lives. She'll tell Lee it's off and make him think it's her decision as much as mine."

"Who are you asking?" The doctor's tone was almost amused, probably from picturing Kara managing Lee like a cross between a dominatrix and a tomboy childhood playmate. 

"You?" A medical opinion overrode his own and Bill would welcome the loss of power if it made the heartbreak less his fault. 

"Heh, no thank you. I wouldn't have bet on her half the times you did. I like them, both of them. I know they've saved us. They're doing the job in circumstances that really don't allow for sanity or margin for error. They're too young and every pilot I've ever known is something of a drunk. I can't tell the future and I don't really understand how we've made it this far."

The two men sipped silently. Sherman Cottle tipped his head to one side and nodded a little. 

"I believe they are sincere," he said thoughtfully. "When one of them ends up in here, the other one shows up soon after. Any other visitors pop in, but they plant in a chair at bedside and you can see them tense to fight when anyone else seems like they might kick them out. I've told my nurses not to bother. It's just faster."

"I think Lee is her support system. Well, Helo and Lee, but Agathon has his own problems since Caprica." Another good officer hanging on his feelings, his hopes even frailer than Kara and Lee's; Bill was getting tired of being the final word when none of his words were ever good news.

"True. And Kara has never been afraid to do her own thing and ask for forgiveness later. Are you leaning a certain way?"

Cottle had warmed to the speculation or his drink was loosening him up. He lit another cigarette, ignoring the Commander's wince at his chain smoking.

"Do you think Lee is too old to be grounded by his father," Adama asked ironically. 

"I'm sure you could make it work, but only by luring him into the brig by putting Kara in there first. Once those doors are locked, there's pretty much one thing they can do to pass the time. I do think you'd enjoy grandbabies, though. I recall there are twins on Carolanne's side of the family."

Bill sighed loudly, and tipped his drink back until he'd finished it. Then, unrepentant he was being a bit greedy with Cottle's supply, he held the glass out to be refilled. 

"If she ever does take a swing at you like she keeps threatening-" he said, smiling, "-I want you to know I'll write it up as you deserving it and Kara getting a pass."

Cottle huffed. "From what I see in here, Kara punching him the most is the most encouragement Lee has ever had to fall in love," he said sagely. "Helo didn't even mind when she hit him. Maybe her fists are like kisses from angels."

Adama wasn't sure what to think about fighting Kara's bizarre charm for the good of Lee's heart. He just knew his son was putting himself in danger of being jaggedly disappointed. 

 

"I've ruined us," she said brokenly. 

Kara loved rules even more than Lee, she just didn't accept the same rules as the general population. Kara stinking drunk and reenacting a battle was adorable and glorious to watch. Kara yelling at him in his own godsdamned briefing was somehow their successful dynamic. Kara flying like a lunatic with a fetish for playing chicken was amazing. She made it work. She demanded the universe make room for her as she was. 

Lee had never known anyone so uncertain of her acceptance anywhere. He could love her - would love her - an actual eternity and she would pick a fight about somewhere else he wanted to be. She meted out her company and used boredom as an excuse to leave when someone might get personal. She would be touched so rarely he never had a tolerance for it, drunk on every innocent brush of skin. She kissed deeply but always ended it before the drowning slide of bodies became a concrete bond. She frakked, or so he'd heard. No one lasted long without being replaced abruptly. 

Intimacy was possible but it was the last step in her pattern before she distanced herself. Kara never cut out anyone from her life completely - the ship made it impossible - but she also never revisited old lovers to rekindle things. She never went back to anyone.

She would move on first. She would keep moving. And he had to find a way to keep in step and figure out her rules for him. They were different again from her own, strictures and laxness varying from her own expectations of herself. It wouldn't do any good to sit down and try to have them listed plainly. He would have to learn them while pretending he had never noticed her sensitivities. 

And now Lee had to find a way to comfort her while he tried to understand how badly she'd erred making an agreement without him even being in the room. 

"It's okay," he told her, kissing her forehead until she stopped spewing half sentences that made no sense. "I'll forgive you anything, Kara. You can't possibly have ruined us. Breathe for a second."

Behind her back, he gestured for a chair and swayed her down to sit. Kara tipped her face against his buttons, sipping air audibly. Helo went to the small table that held the bare refreshments the CAG kept in his office. He hesitated over the flask of water, and glanced at Lee. They both knew where he hid the moonshine, and so did Kara.

Shaking his head, Lee pulled a second chair over. He sat in the awkward spot they'd landed, two chairs too close in the middle of the room. Helo gave him a glass of water and Lee held it on his knee until she wanted it.

"I'm sorry you're upset, but I'm not going to stop loving you for anything," he said moderately. He couldn't be too touchy or she would realize how much of a scene this was. It wasn't clear what Kara meant, but it worried him. "Did the Old Man yell at you?"

She exhaled like she'd been on low oxygen. "He was being nice. He wanted me to tell him if you were being pushy or inappropriate. I told him you wouldn't do that," Kara said tiredly. "I tried to talk about it like a private matter that won't impact the work, and he just wasn't taking it seriously. He said I sounded like you'd written me a script, and not like myself. I was being reasonable and he was not satisfied."

They had worked through a plan to make it sound like a common goal. Maybe it had been too rehearsed. Lee didn't want to put words in her mouth. He was happy to have Kara talk him half to death. They had to show themselves to be seen as a couple. He didn't want to have to parade her around the ship giving her delicate pecks and taking her on socially prescribed dates. That would be ridiculous and inauthentic. 

"Okay, he wanted to hear it more in your own words. I can see his concern," Lee said. He pushed her hair back. "I'm glad my father looks out for you. What happened next?"

She planted her elbows on her knees and held her face. "I brought up Zak. I shouldn't have - it's not relevant to this. But I had to tell him I felt like he was objecting because it was me, and he didn't trust me with his sons."

It would never be easy to hear his brother's name randomly, like an old wound opening down the length of his torso. Lee knew they'd settled this, and it wasn't why his father was opposing them. He couldn't help wondering what had been said and how rattled Kara had been. 

"He said it wasn't about Zak, either. I moved it back to the future and - and us," she touched his chest, her fingers curling around to his side. "I told the Commander we think people will understand what we want is reasonable. It's still forming, so I couldn't give him every detail he wanted to know. We'll keep it out of the air and away from the pilots. We'll make sure we can do the job first, and off-duty he can keep us in line if he feels the need."

Kara took the water and drank deeply, the tearful hoarseness finally rinsing away. 

Lee nodded. "And you made a deal?"

She sniffled. "He wasn't receptive, at all. He said he was giving us a chance to give up on the idea before he had to punish us. He doesn't see it working out, and then I would have nowhere to go. So I made an offer. If he takes the next few days and speaks to everyone who knows us, giving it a fair hearing like any important matter of rank, then you and I will accept his decision. I know I don't have the right to speak for you, but it was more about the gesture of him still being our commanding officer. And it will give him time to get used to the idea. I think he'll definitely talk to the President, and she loves you! Cottle will say we're idiots, but he's not going to care if we date. Helo will stick up for us, and I'm sure some of the pilots."

He was mulling it over, trying to do damage control mentally. Kara watched him, her mouth snapping shut as she recognized Lee's concentration. 

"Did he tell you who he'll speak with," he asked.

"No. I was so relieved he hadn't just thrown down an official refusal that I left pretty quickly," Kara said slowly. "I guess we could suggest people who see us all the time. I think Chief Tyrol wouldn't stand in our way. There have to be people who will support us."

The thing was, Lee thought anxiously, there didn't have to be people who would support them on the record in the angry face of the Commander of the fleet. The people with no strong opinion might say a few words about their lack of preference. Helo was on their side. The pilots seemed to be fine with it, but they didn't all speak with one voice. There might be a lot more people concerned about the flight group being weakened by a couple's ups and down. 

"I'm not sure the President would be willing to speak on my behalf about this, Kara," Lee said softly. "She and my father took a long time trying to work through exactly how much input she was allowed to have in military matters."

She looked at him helplessly, then past him to Helo. Lee looked down as she sought someone else to give her a better second opinion. He didn't want her to be in the wrong. He wanted to say he was confident dozens of people would happily give their blessings. And he simply had no idea because they hadn't done any groundwork to get that support. Asking for help often worked, but they had to leave it alone now, because Kara had promised they wouldn't interfere.

"But . . . Do you think people won't?" Kara didn't miss political motivations, but she didn't track them constantly. There were people who would like to condemn Lee's actions to have a flaw to exploit in the military when Commander Adama wasn't siding with them. She assumed the President's respect for Lee made her reaction obvious. Roslin was the one who wanted more babies to bump up their population. 

"I think it's harder to figure than just how people act to your face," Helo said uneasily. "You might be surprised by the people who aren't okay with it. Or they have no strong preference but it seems like the popular opinion is the right answer."

"So I scrapped the old plan, and now we aren't supposed to do anything at all. I gambled and you don't think I'll win," Kara whispered. "And you'll lose, too."

Lee cleared his throat. He wanted to tell her again it would be fine, but the sinking feeling was undeniable. 

"I swear, he was just about to say no. He was going to draw a hard line and he'd never be able to go back on it," she said sadly. She leaned in and cupped her hands around his jaw, kissing him apologetically. "I was trying to save it."

"I trust your instincts. If you had to, you had to," he said calmly. "People could say exactly what we'd hope. And if they don't, we'll figure out something."

Lee swallowed the last of her water and made himself smile. This was another part of Kara he knew. He didn't get to not love it, or regret it came along with all the rest. She had reacted impulsively and now consequences would follow. Her quick, veering turns were a hallmark of her personality. He'd waited weeks to hear her say anything about his overtures, and now he was realizing anew she didn't always think about her words. 

It might still be okay. He kissed her back, because he had three days to keep her in this furtive way. He could feel Helo's pity from across the room and glared at the other man until he left. 

Logic and prudence didn't get to follow him to bed with Kara, draining the colour and fury of loving her like air. Lee had meant it about taking what he could get, and now he would quietly enjoy it until his heart was denied.

 

"Captain Apollo and Kara Thrace are in love . . . Well, I'm in favour of love. It's a noble goal by itself. Unfortunately, it's not always very durable."

Bill squinted as the headache continued to batter his conflicted mood. "I'm not trying to judge love as a concept. My officers are doing something against the rules, and I have to devise some response that lets them be human without letting structure erode."

President Roslin nodded with sympathy. "You're in a tough spot, Commander. A tougher spot than anyone deserves, I think. Honestly, I'm not sure why you think I'd judge the situation better than you would."

"It's a hornet's nest of personal feelings on top of a military tangle," he said. "I had hoped to talk through it a bit from a non-fleet perspective."

She smiled gently. "Of course. I can be your leadership second opinion. I will do my best. Tell me what you think I need to know. I confess, I thought Apollo was seeing a bridge officer named Dee?"

One part of his meeting with Kara made a bit more sense with that, but obviously Lee hadn't done more than go on a date or two before he put his mind to his fellow pilot's wooing. Bill made his face remain in a polite mask, and nodded along as Roslin continued working through his quandary out loud. 

She was an intelligent woman, and maybe he'd be surprised by some new clarity. He was willing to be sold on some faint hope where giving in to his son's emotional needs served the fleet as well. 

 

Outside the hatch, Gaius Baltar paused with a stack of exceptionally dull files he'd been sent away to read like an idiot child given extra homework. He had notes scratched on their covers, and a few prepared snide remarks. If he had to suffer the indignity of reading assignments, he would insist on pestering his dear teacher with obvious questions. He forgot all of them once he realized Commander Adama was soliciting opinions on Kara Thrace and Lee Adama making their reciprocal obsession public. 

It seemed the Captain and the Lieutenant were breaking fleet regulations being together, and had finally been caught. Gaius recalled one salient evening, almost a full year ago. He wondered if it wasn't his civic duty to volunteer his own observations during his awkward moments as the third point on their triangle.

Point of fact, perhaps he'd been remiss not to go to the Commander with it the very next day. Maybe he should atone for his oversight by speaking up. The safety of the fleet might depend on those few people who were steadfast enough to venture an unpopular opinion. 

Gaius looked up into a lovely pair of heavily lashed eyes rolling at his obvious anticipation. He smiled with an edge of spite, having long since settled his hurt pride by enjoying a broader selection of women happy to have the Vice President's attention.

It was past due for people to stop confusing admittedly brave pilots with saints better than their fellow men.


	25. Circling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's up to us to fight. I didn't say win. I want victory. I firmly believe what we have now is amazing, if neither of us lives another day. We have that, and that's a victory," Lee told her. "Don't flinch, Kara. Take all your bloody-minded stubborn pride and be proud of us. Walk this ship like you own it, and hold my hand. Let anyone who wants to look see us doing our jobs and living a life together. Help me show them it's not going to make them any less protected."

Commander Adama made a list, and ordered one of his bridge officers to set up appointments. He wasn't being picky about going to other ships, or squeezing in short meetings between his duties. 

It was time to have this done.

He was oddly aware of the deadline Kara had set, though it wasn't her prerogative to set any deadlines for him. He supposed it was similar to the right to a speedy trial. Kara and Lee were waiting, and he didn't want to torment them with a prolonged time before they all knew what came next.

Through the President, he let it be known he was doing an informal inquiry on the running of the air group. Any civilian spokesperson was free to come forward with information they suspected could help. Helo was continuing his efforts to mediate with the pilots, and Bill had let the ship's gossips handle inviting the rest of the crew to weigh in on fraternization.

It was going to be exhausting. He wanted to meet with everyone he could, though the workload was daunting. It seemed important to be able to say he'd done just as Kara suggested. He didn't want to miss a detail, and later be accused of selective attention. 

President Roslin hadn't been able to help much. She'd expressed her confidence in Lee's decision-making. She'd acknowledged Kara was sometimes a bit unpredictable, but they could do worse in a war with an enemy like the Cylons. Her unsanctioned mission sending Kara to Caprica largely removed Roslin's right to complain about crazy pilots going rogue. Most damning, she'd admitted she had no real idea how the military worked before she was stranded in space. 

Bill didn't look closely at the whole list of names, just as he couldn't drop everything else to see to it full time. He was surprised by a few people who made the trip over from civilian ships, but found they had little to contribute. Some people were fishing for gossip, and those he turned away sternly. Some wanted more attention paid to their ships, insisting they were carrying important dignitaries and vital support functions. He answered them with a very constructed answer about his obligation to periodically examine his ranking officers to devise better ways to use his people. 

People seemed puzzled by that, probably because alternatives were few. He had exactly enough pilots to do what was necessary. Half of them were nuggets from Kara's first class. He didn't have another person who could be CAG except Kara, and then D-CAG would have to be Lee. Helo was liked and respected, but he was also in love with a Cylon prisoner. 

When Gaius Baltar stepped into his office, he resisted the urge to sigh loudly. He would have liked to prepare mentally to cope with the doctor's rambling way of speaking to random spots in the room. 

"Mr. Vice President, what can I do for you today?"

"I've heard you are asking for information about Kara Thrace and your son. I fear I may have something pertinent."

Knowing the man, it would be impertinent if not nonsensical. Bill knew Gaius had pursued Kara for a few weeks. He was confident she was too smart to put up with his weird behaviour for more than the span of a card game. She might have played along, if only to keep the table interesting. She always did enjoy an obnoxious bit of chaos.

"Go ahead. Please, have a seat," he said politely. 

Bill found it helped with Gaius and the more irritating Quorum members to project his respect for Laura Roslin on them. 

"Thank you. It's a bit awkward, but such things are . . . And I, I want you to know I am very fond of Lieutenant Thrace. I wouldn't for the world do anything to hurt her, but my conscience directs me to give you the help you're seeking."

It was so hard to take the man seriously. He was dressed in a suit with a cravat tied at his throat. He had polished his shoes like mirrors and his priorities were baffling. 

"Yes . . . " Adama said, hoping the prompt would be enough. 

"On Colonial Day, Kara and I - made love. It was never to be repeated. Captain Adama found out rather right away and took umbrage. A few unpleasant words were exchanged in the pilot's rec room between he and I. I understand there was also a confrontation on the flight deck, and he hit her."

Bill had heard this rumour, and hoped it was pure imagination. His heart sank and he felt humiliated for Kara. This was so sordid, even behind closed doors. It would pick at wounds. Bad enough when Baltar was their eccentric Cylon specialist, socializing with the crew and flirting with Kara and every other woman who made eye contact.

"I was unaware of anything except the flight deck," he said hoarsely. "May I ask, were you and Kara dating at the time?"

"We were, ah, engaging in a flirtation," Gaius said, his eyes drifting to something off to the side before snapping back to make eye contact. "It was not serious, but I thought her to be single. I wasn't happy to be played for jealousy. I'm afraid I've been holding a bit of a grudge against both her and your son. But that doesn't excuse me from expressing my concern Captain Adama may be abusing her in some way. It's not correct, I think, for him to outrank her and also be dating her?"

"Fleet rules prohibit it, but it happens," Bill said defensively. "Mr. Vice President, has anything more recent happened that you've seen?"

"No, not at all. It's slightly embarrassing now, but I felt it right to say what I had seen. I am always willing to help Kara, and I recognize you have some divided loyalties in the issue. Please tell her she may rely on my friendship, despite our lack of success exploring a closer association. I am always happy to help her."

"That's very chivalrous, and I can pass along that message, Mr. Vice President. I'd offer you a drink, but I'm sure you have pressing concerns calling you," he said. 

It was deeply satisfying to deliberately not invite the man to drink with him, but the words had backed Baltar into a corner. He liked the compliment of being thought essential on Colonial One. It would hurt his pride to disagree that he didn't have to rush back. 

"I should return, yes," he said, his fake upper crust accent pinching with his bemusement. He had a momentary expression of odd resolve, and squared his body to repeat himself. "Please be sure to pass along that message to the Lieutenant, Commander. It is very sincerely meant."

The Vice President's exit was characteristically awkward, as if he was being frogmarched out of the office having spoken out of turn. He even walked as if some invisible person had him painfully by the ear.

Bill could pass Gaius' words along but wouldn't be delivering that message. The preening delivery of every word behind the widened eyes and overacted concern made him certain Baltar was another lost evening in Kara's flawed coping mechanisms. 

If nothing else, knowing the disgusting man had touched her made Bill want to keep Kara away from the conniving doctor for the rest of her days.

The fight on the flight deck was in both Lee's and Kara's files. He could even relate to a momentary, shameful urge to slap Kara at her worst. She knew how to be infuriating, and wasn't afraid to start the fight and end it, too. Her mother had done hurtful things, probably outright child abuse. 

And now he had to reconcile the knowledge of Gaius using her for sex, her mother taking out her frustration of her stalled career and failed marriage, and his own son swinging at Kara in a jealous fury. Bill could admit she pissed him off, but she was also loved. It didn't matter how old she was, or how tough she acted. He saw both his sons and Kara as tall children. Children were meant to be aggravating, and he was obliged to remember good parents did not hit their children. 

Maybe his duty wasn't to protect the interests of the fleet, but to protect Kara from falling into her own pattern of suffering anything to have companionship. She craved another person who kept her mind off the abandoned girl she buried under her bold words. 

Bill poured a bigger drink than he'd normally permit himself in the middle of the day, and gave a mocking toast to his hopeless task. 

 

Kara was discovering a new version of her lover, one that lived to bask in every simple pleasure they could steal from the day. He had joined her for every meal, several showers and one remarkably comfortable nap curled into her rack. She didn't understand how he wasn't upset, but it wasn't an act. 

If she didn't know him to be incapable of it, she'd swear Lee had learned not to care what anyone thought of him. He did his job diligently and without fanfare, no extra effort but no corners cut. He found time to be with her. He went to card games and seemed freer than she remembered even before the war.

Of course, they'd cheated together the night they met. Maybe Lee found peace in knowing he'd be answering for his mistakes. Kara wasn't so philosophical about what they'd invited into their shortchanged lives. 

She wanted to kiss him forever, and sleep night after night with Lee. She wanted to know she wasn't going to lose him. She wanted so many impossible things there wasn't enough paper left to list them. 

She didn't want to be clingy, but Lee was meeting her more than halfway. He gave in to everything she suggested, and it felt surprisingly natural to go to meals together. People inevitably gave them the whole gym to themselves, and they usually ended up making out like kids instead of frakking like adults. 

She didn't know which of them was holding back now, because the nervous energy of wanting Lee was combining with the actual threat of getting to have him. Dreams didn't come true like that, at least not easily or without something important giving way in the structure of your life. 

Pissing him off didn't seem to be possible anymore, and she hated her urge to test it. Helo had told her Lee really wasn't mad. He'd been stridently warned his role in their relationship was to put up with her improvisations, and he was rolling happily underneath her on his bunk. Even his addresses at the briefings were getting more and more relaxed, as if he'd worked through every anxiety and come out the other side a looser version of himself.

"We are not remotely normal," Lee said mildly. "I mean that in a literal sense. I think there might be some latent brain trauma that allows us be basically okay with our day to day lives. I know I'm screwed up by it, and so is everybody else, but you and I cope. On our worst day, you've made me laugh, or play cards, or get drunk and start telling tall tales about flight maneuvers. We've always had good moments to break up the weeks of stress and loss."

He was the one to wade in and pull her out of her worst moments, and Lee was also why casual sex had stopped being fun. She didn't like having to hide what she was doing from him, nor could she just admit she'd let some Marine whose name she would forget come in her body and wander drunkenly away with barely pleasantries exchanged. It was cheap and solved nothing. Meanwhile, sometimes a few seconds of Lee's understanding silence knitted her together better than a week of venting.

"It makes me think we can gather enough little bits of time together to add up to something bigger - huge. It makes me wonder what kind of ridiculously blissful life we could have had before the worlds ended, not scraping for every day's survival. It will be hard, but we're used to it."

Lee had created huge grids of scheduling on the whiteboard, overlapping and colour coded. It was obviously a demonstration of some practical measure he'd devised for them.

"So, then, it's up to me to prove it, right?"

Kara had opened her mouth to disagree. She had found a lot of the things she'd assumed they were at odds about were just his way of finding a compromise within duties and letting her do whatever she wanted. If Lee was only making decisions for himself, she knew she'd have no rules at all. It was a little intimidating to realize he not only expected her to do her job, he trusted her morals and judgment to deal with issues in his absence.

She knew herself well enough she could feel the disadvantage in losing the one person who would fight her on anything too horribly stupid. She was proud to be the person who could yell at Lee until he gave up any thought of nobly sacrificing himself. She needed a stopgap between herself and her craziest ideas. 

"Half of my job is exhaustive schedules. When and where pilots should be, what they should be doing, and who they're flying CAPS with on any given day are up to me. I don't need more paperwork, but I've started doing a similar schedule for myself. I'm going to post it up somewhere in here so you can find me if you need me, but there are going to be spans of private time. I'm going to delegate a few more things and I'm going to actually use them as downtime. If you add up all the little times I can spare, it's a significant amount of time."

Lee proudly underlined the big 20.3 he'd written under the crazy grids. He'd secured nearly a whole day per week to dedicate to Kara. She knew he'd have made sure there were buffers, too, extra time for duties to be caught up or overflow room when things were hectic.

"The logic about battlestar postings has always been there's no time or room for families. I think I see you a lot more than some husbands see their wives during the day. We can eat at least one meal together, we see each other in quarters. We'll do date night, and terrorize nuggets together. We'll jog in the morning."

"I can do without the jogging," she said, shrugging with a smirk.

"You love jogging. It's one of your favourite things - the earlier the better. I bet if I woke you up in the middle of the night you'd be thrilled to jog every deck twice."

"I'm starting to think you are maybe imagining this Kara person you keep going on about," Kara said. "I mean, she sounds . . . like a kick in the pants, really! She might be a vampire or something with this odd aversion to getting a decent amount of sleep, but if you like that I won't tell you you're wrong."

Lee's light expression faltered. "That might not be enough now. I know it's a big leap to trade everything comfortable for a chance to make it something more ambitious. I know we can scrape by the way we have been. But I like fighting, because you make it seem normal. We just need to direct it outward instead of aiming at each other."

Lee didn't need the podium anymore and she was sitting in the front row. They were getting closer without planning to do it, and their little orbit was confirming them in a way announcing themselves hadn't managed.

"We both signed up for a different life than this, and when there were worlds and shore leaves it made sense to hold off and keep private lives private. Those were promises, and we're already breaking them. We'll keep breaking them, and now we're going to have to fight. We can't flinch now. I can't let you flinch, and you can't let me."

"It's not up to us, though," her tone was weak, apologetic.

"It's up to us to fight. I didn't say win. I want victory. I firmly believe what we have now is amazing, if neither of us lives another day. We have that, and that's a victory," Lee told her. "Don't flinch, Kara. Take all your bloody-minded stubborn pride and be proud of us. Walk this ship like you own it, and hold my hand. Let anyone who wants to look see us doing our jobs and living a life together. Help me show them it's not going to make them any less protected."

She needed to be sure he wasn't putting her up on a little shelf marked "Perfect Woman." Kara liked some of her flaws and wouldn't part with them. Others she just knew were never going to buff away.

"You're forgetting what I did."

"I don't forget anything about you. You said you'd listen to the Commander if he reprimands us. We both will. We'll go hang a 'Bless this mess' needlepoint in the brig and pull extra shifts. We'll split all the doughnut runs. It's going to be miserable, and we're going to be gracious about it."

"That wasn't the deal I made. I said we'd follow the regulations." This was the plan, the seed of his contentment. Lee thought he had a loophole.

"We will. We'll take the punishment outlined in the contracts we signed when we joined up. We'll even feel guilty it's going to make the Commander's life hell for a while. And then everybody will realize it's not worse than any of the chaos we cause."

"My reputation is far from spotless, Lee," she said baldly. "Very far from spotless."

He smirked, years slipping off his back as he stood up proudly in his uniform and disgraced it with pure love beaming at her. "I led a mutiny. I am presently seducing one of the officers under my direct command, and I have no plans to stop. We're going to be honeymooning in the damn brig, Lieutenant, before you'll convince me we've gone too far with this. I haven't forgotten I promised you a baby, either."

She let out a sound that was best described as a mournful laugh. "That wasn't really what I meant. I didn't think I was penciling it in on your multiple insane schedules," she said, biting her lip. "I don't want a baby soon, and there might never be a time it works out."

Lee had mastered a blithe shrug, and used it with all the veracity of a man who'd fallen in love with a force of nature. 

"I'm sure you'll let me know when is good for you," he told her, as coolly as booking a dinner date instead of combining their genes into a new person. 

"You're insane," Kara breathed

Up in front of all his pilots, Lee straightened his back proudly and nodded. "Only for love of you, Lieutenant."

Gods look on her with mercy, she believed him with her whole being. Kara could feel a dangerous amount of hope sparking across her skin, arcing like manmade electrical storms from her chest to Lee's. 

She could just do it anyway; become his wife by acting the part so well it became hers. The Old Man could drop whatever hammers he liked, and she would carry them in one hand and hold on to Lee with the other. She'd made a deal, as if love was the same as selling a used car. 

It was a kind of blasphemy to suggest anyone had the right, even her own mind suckering her heart. Maybe all that something needed to be rightfully sacred was for two people to agree it was sacred. 

"So, we fight," Kara said quietly. "How do we know when to quit?"

Lee shrugged. He tilted his head off to the side and pretended to tally up some impressive numbers. "Fifty-odd years or grandkids," he said with certainty. "I don't want to be greedy."

Kara heard herself giggle that time, audaciously and fondly. She pulled herself together and looked down coyly. "I've got something that might work."

 

People openly goggled at Apollo's arrival on the flight deck that evening, dressed for a flight he hadn't been scheduled to fly. His suit had been altered with a sling pocket on the chest, the empty area clearly resembling the baby carrier it had been before being repurposed in a mysterious way. He was cheerful and sought out the deck chief. There was no attempt to go unnoticed, but Apollo might as well have worn the body panels of the stealth ship to duck and cover across the room.

A few steps behind him, Starbuck walked with a bobbing sway to her steps, both arms cradling the swaddled form of an infant as it made the quiet gurgles of a sated baby on the verge of sleep. 

"-going with Daddy in the Viper," she murmured to the baby happily. "And if he wakes you up, he owes Mommy a cigar we both know he doesn't have."

Lee grinned. "You know I'm good for it," he said. "Chief, we need a Viper for a half hour."

Galen Tyrol gaped at them for longer than a few seconds, then held out his arms for Starbuck's baby. Kara handed over the bundle and stepped back, letting Tyrol look at the baby until he broke into a smile. 

"I guess if any baby is ready for a Viper, it's yours," he said. "Be glad your first flight is with your Dad, nugget. Your hair is curly enough."

He gave the baby to Lee, who quirked an eyebrow. "You make me sound so boring, Chief."

Tyrol glanced at all the awed faces around them, and knew he was witnessing another legendary Starbuck and Apollo moment. No one else had a good look at the baby, but he could feel gossip rising up decks like telepathy. 

"I wouldn't dare, Captain," he said. "I'm, uh, gonna write this up as a preliminary training flight for Ensign Adama there."

The pilots shared a smile and he made himself scarce. Kara strolled idly as Lee walked with the baby through the room of people openly too distracted to pretend to work. 

"I think we should include Flight Instructor Captain Adama for this exercise," she said fondly. 

"I'm honoured by your faith in me," Lee told her. 

"Not at all. You've earned it," Kara replied. "I just hope I don't have to fire you for waking the baby."


	26. A Kiss on the Nose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So Starbuck was about to have an empty nest and filled it with a new nugget," Saul suggested. "Look, Bill, I'm not saying they had any right to do things this way - if the kid is even theirs - but it would be shortsighted to assume Kara and Lee aren't dead serious about keeping the kid with them. I wouldn't steal Starbuck's dessert portion without knowing I'd have to watch my back."

Saul Tigh tried for an appropriate expression of compassion, but he was a smug man and had never hidden it well. He liked throwing Kara Thrace in the brig, and she liked giving him the opportunity to do so. It was almost symbiotic. As long as she didn't actually cause the Old Man a heart attack, it was a nice treat sending her to hack.

"What do you mean, they adopted a baby? Where did they find a baby?"

Bill Adama agonized over Kara's bad behaviour, taking pains to excuse her and blame himself. This was one moment of clear fault, and Tigh liked the simplicity. Lee had helpfully included himself in the action, giving a rare opening to send both troublemakers to the brig. 

"All I know is Lee took a Viper out last night in a training exercise with an Ensign Adama, and everyone saw Kara and Lee with an infant," he said. 

"They gave a baby a rank? And took it up in Viper?!"

"Apparently it liked the ride just fine. Apollo had it in a sling against his chest and it fussed just a bit during the landing."

Bill closed his eyes and wondered how sanity was possible under his present circumstances. It was the sort of rumour he used to be able to ignore because it was too ridiculous. Even Kara, he could say to himself, wouldn't do that. Lee would obviously stop that foolishness before it could begin. 

"What are they thinking," he said, his voice dropping in defeat.

"They aren't, sir. Not sure Thrace knows how. The best part is now the baby is just getting passed around to all the pilots off duty, and they're jointly babysitting in groups. Six highly trained fleet pilots guarding one baby. No one gets close to the kid."

That was at least a little bit correct. Their ranks made them high profile and tempting for kidnappers. Adama was still horrified by all of it, but he was eager to find some level of sense at play in Starbuck's newest mischief.

Kara showed reverence for very little, but one of those things was Lee's life. Bill had to assume that would transfer to any child they took in, doubly so because he couldn't see her seeking out motherhood without Lee to help her manage. She was famously unattached, the biggest flirt of the damn ship. 

"They haven't been off the ship in weeks," he said slowly. "How old is this baby?"

"You mean did she hide a baby long enough to fool your son? Even I can't give her that much credit for being diabolical," Tigh said. "But maybe some civilian had a baby they couldn't keep. There are orphans everywhere."

"Are there rules about this? Adopting a baby during deployment?"

Tigh had looked it up, and been disappointed. He could punish the carelessness but not the adoption. Laura Roslin's presidency had emphasized the importance of children in the fleet, and no one was going to side with deliberately rejecting orphans on behalf of soldiers willing to raise them.

"I think it's one of those areas where the military has been forced to acknowledge human rights don't allow it. What are we going to do, forced abortions and dissolving parental rights? Are you really prepared to go that far, and live with the damage to those two?"

"They can't raise a child out of senior pilots' quarters," Bill said scathingly. "And the nuggets aren't babysitters. Most of the nuggets aren't even nuggets anymore. They've all had enough time in the birds to qualify by now."

"So Starbuck was about to have an empty nest and filled it with a new nugget," Saul suggested. "Look, Bill, I'm not saying they had any right to do things this way - if the kid is even theirs - but it would be shortsighted to assume Kara and Lee aren't dead serious about keeping the kid with them. I wouldn't steal Starbuck's dessert portion without knowing I'd have to watch my back."

Adama couldn't keep up. He was desperately trying to understand a situation he'd only just accepted was a widely observed phenomenon in the fleet. There was a trail of LeeandKara or StarbuckandApollo traced over every significant action of the war. The moments of unlikely victory were also the times when the bond was torqued past writing it off as a friendship. 

If she'd been pregnant, Kara could have asked for help. If she'd wanted to give a home to an orphan, Bill could have accommodated that. His own boys had been born planetside while he was out in space, and he'd met them while home to visit for a few weeks. There were ways to have children and a career, but he was still struggling to find a way to allow Lee and Kara to exist as a couple without making them live out their first decade of life together in the brig.

He couldn't snatch a baby from her arms. They were boxing him in, almost daring him to inflict the worst the regulations called for under the fraternization ban. He still couldn't stomach another meeting with his son, but he could get Kara up there to explain her newest recruit.

"Send an order down to Starbuck," he said wearily. "Tell her I want to meet Ensign Adama."

Gods, it was as they wanted him to be the cruel and unfeeling father Lee sometimes accused him of being. 

 

Lieutenant Kara Thrace received her order to bring Ensign Adama up for an introduction to her grandfather on the flight deck. She had been doling out praise and advice to her nuggets with feet that could reach the Viper's pedals. One of Tigh's preferred errand boys handed her a note and she stopped mid-sentence to read because she was still God and her manners had never been a large part of her repertoire. 

"Okay, Commander wants to see me," she said. "I'll have specific comments for all of you. You will be graded. Some of you will not pass, but you're not fired yet. Flying can be multipurpose. Combat is only one style, and we need to work on being able to do slow and precise as well as battle group formations. Eventually we'll be calling upon you to go out and not shoot things down. Attaching a fuel line and keeping it from kinking up while it's in use is a lot like doing a slow lap with a sleeping baby. Little corrections, minimalist flying. A kiss on the nose, not a slap in the face. Dismissed, but mind your schedules."

Pilots scattered, not all of them leaving the deck. Some were due to leave for a CAP soon. Others were still trying to visually process the cozy bundle of a baby in the carrier taking up most of her torso. The contraption was as bad as an antique flight suit.

Kara ignored the staring as she walked the baby upstairs. She offered the bottle when it made a few plaintive sounds, but the nugget was content with a few pats on the back.

She was aware the whole crew desperately wanted to see this baby she'd conjured from thin air. The idea people had that she'd gone through a whole pregnancy flying without incident and not gaining any weight was laughable, but she liked being given the credit of having gotten away with it. Her baby was strictly a loaner, but she hadn't hated motherhood for a limited time. It helped to have nuggets to babysit on demand. They were the only ones to be near the baby after she'd introduced her to Tyrol. Not one of the nuggets had been able to hide the initial jitters of being charged with her baby and keeping it reasonably comfortable during a short flight. 

Kara wanted good pilots. She wanted them to be thoughtful and quick, easily adapted to the situation. She wanted to see them go from being scared to death to efficient and mathematically pathological in seconds. She wanted to see the gears turn and the circuits conduct in their nugget brains. She wanted to know they could get themselves out of the soup if she couldn't do it for them. There was no better way to simulate stress than hand off her own dear baby and command them to return it in perfect condition - after giving it a nice, thorough tour of the fleet.

Everyone knew a little drive at bedtime helped a baby settle, she thought with satisfaction. 

Her awareness of Bill Adama gave her every expectation he'd be losing his mind from the first vague mention of a new Adama to actually having to face the baby. She had the novel sensation of acting completely within the context of her duties while making him freak out. It was possible Lee's joy in sticking to the rules was sneaking into her psyche along with the uncharacteristic level of patience she'd only just discovered in herself. 

Kara paused at the door to Adama's quarters, her hand up to brace the baby's neck as she stopped and returned a salute. 

"Lt. Thrace to see the Commander," she said. "And Ensign Adama along for the ride."

The unfortunate Marine was supposed to announce her, and she could tell he didn't know how to do that without a lot of questions she wasn't likely to answer. 

"He's expecting us," Kara said.

"Sir!" The door was swung back and she stepped in as if she brought an infant to work every day. 

"Good day, sir, you wanted to see me?"

He looked pale, but the Old Man wasn't as angry as she'd seen him. He stood up with a nod, continuing across the room until he was close enough to look at the blond curls peeping out the top of the carrier.

"I'm told there's an Ensign Adama I should meet," he said evenly. "May I?"

"It would be my pleasure. This backpack thing has way too many extra straps," she grumbled. Kara reached behind her back and got the big buckle open. She lowered the baby to one arm and sighed as the carrier fell off her shoulders. 

Adama flinched as he finally got a good look, but he took the baby gently anyway. He carried it to his sofa and fixed a rumpled blanket with long dormant paternal instinct. 

"Who named him," he asked calmly.

"Her, actually," Kara said, finally getting the carrier off and shrugging away the stiffness in her back. "The ensign is on loan from Ms. Thompson's high school class on Saturn's Gift. Her rank is honourary, but the class named her Kara Adama, in appreciation of the military."

His twinkle of humour was coloured by a look that meant he knew she was full of shit. She bit her lip and shrugged. She hadn't known the baby existed until last week. 

"Hand to the Gods, the class had a vote on it. They wanted pilot's names, and the baby is a girl. She's a fitting namesake; takes to the Vipers just like a warm bath. Lee and I took her out before we tried her with the nuggets, but everyone did okay. Little Kara is going home tomorrow to help teach Ms. Thompson's senior class about the responsibilities of parenthood."

Sensors in the baby doll were wired to save every moment of the baby's digital life, and Kara had felt it was a point of pride to send her back in at least as good condition as a bunch of teenagers could do. Her nuggets had been very serious about the babysitting, one of them toting the doll everywhere for the last couple of days. She was proud of them for taking the assignment seriously. It was silly but it was making them better.

"Meanwhile, if you want to see the notes, my pilots did pretty well. They were nervous but they pulled it off. I think they might think I'm a bit delusional about the baby being real, but I'll handle that by being extra mean to them all next week," she said carelessly. 

The Old Man sank into the sofa, idly settling the baby in one arm as he gestured for Kara to sit as well. 

"I've been doing the interviews at your request," he said. "I'd like to ask you about something that came up when I spoke with Gaius Baltar."

Kara knew her face did a strange crinkle at the name, but that was nothing to her attempts at trying to use his proper title. Vice President Baltar was too much for her brain to mouth filter. She hated the man for being easy, smug and bothering Lee about something as meaningless as her stupidity. 

Still, there was no point lying to her commanding officer. She'd asked for this level of inquiry. 

"He said the fight on the flight deck after Colonial Day was Lee's jealous response to your spending the night with Baltar," Adama said quickly. "He expressed concern for your welfare."

Kara nodded. She wasn't going to add to any of this. She'd answer questions but that was it.

"Have you and Lee been together since you both came to Galactica," he asked. 

"We haven't even been together the whole time Lee has been openly trying to make it official," Kara said flatly. "It took a while for me to see the potential."

The doll was settled on a pillow, and the Old Man leaned in to frown at her. "Kara, my concern stands. I don't know how you and Lee function as a couple. I'm not sure you'd recognize coercion. I don't want to see you unhappy or suffering. I admire your pride, but I know it's led you places you've had to fight your way back from. I do not want to have to rebuild the squadron. I don't want to step in and play the bad guy with Lee."

She was getting better at letting insulting concerns roll off her back. "We don't want to be treated like children who can't cope with romantic disappointment, sir," she said. "We've barely been together and we already have a history of it because we weren't brave enough to just go for it. The near misses were doing damage."

His hands flexed as if he wanted to take her bodily and shake her until she showed the sense to listen.

"A failed relationship is hard, Kara, but a failed marriage can be crippling," Adama told her earnestly. "You and Lee would be essentially married without even the option of divorce. I wish I could think of a way to explain what I went through with Carolanne without making it sound like I regret my family. My sons could never be a mistake. There were a lot of signs from the beginning I only knew by looking back once everything was over."

She felt her body stiffen and tried to remain neutral, but Kara didn't have a good baseline for genuine fatherly concern. She knew condescension. She knew this man she loved like a father made Lee feel worthless by accident. And she'd invited him to openly criticize them on the most personal level. She'd insisted on being picked to the bone. 

"No one stopped you from choosing who you married. That's all we want. No crying in Pyramid, sir, but you can't ban us from the court and tell us it's better never to even try to win." Kara took a breath, and zipped her mouth until she could control her tone. "I am aware you must be working very hard to speak to people about Lee and I on top of everything else. I don't want to waste your time arguing. Lee left my photo when he came to see you. May I have it back, sir?"

He seemed to run out of energy to debate. Adama picked up the doll and handed it back carefully. He stood up and walked to his desk, finding the photo so quickly he must have had it out that day. 

"I want to make the right choice, Kara," he said, his voice dull. 

Something about the moment made her want to cry. She stood up with a quick step and took the only surviving photo of a generation of Adamas. She intended to include herself right and proper in the family tree. As precious as the memory was, she saw how Lee held himself apart like he was an afterthought. To Kara, it was a picture of herself with two brothers who had convinced her there were men too worthy to risk losing to her fears. There was no way to choose between them; equal wonders with grinning their way through to her best self. 

"I trust you to make the right choice," she said. "You're an Adama. It's a family trait to do right even when it screws you over. I'm not saying I deserve the honour, but I do think Lee deserves the benefit of the doubt that I'm sure about him. You had no trouble believing I wanted to marry Zak."

Kara would have preferred a quick exit, but little Kara required an extra minute of fastening straps and pulling her securely into the contraption. She was braced for some reply about old age and wisdom. She and Lee were a whole war older than when they'd lost Zak, but they would never be older than Bill Adama. If he made that his measurement they could never compete with his refusal.

But Adama didn't say anything, and she mumbled an excuse as she let herself out. 

 

Lee found her in senior pilot's quarters later that day, already dressed for bed. They had an early flight over to Saturn's Gift to drop off Ensign Adama, then a full day. He had tried to schedule them both for some extra rack time. As much free babysitting as they'd had from the pilots, either he or Kara had been getting up with the baby at night. It did cry, and the speaker was impressively loud even under a blanket.

It had only been a few days, but their system for temporary guardianship was ironed out well. A spare pillow wedged behind the ladder to the top bunk served as a crib. Kara had taken to sleeping over in his rack anyway, so Lee only had to get up and cross the room with the battery operated bottle to soothe little Kara. He'd done a little walking the halls in his underwear, but the experience had been peaceful.

He wasn't particularly sentimental about it ending. The doll was a machine, indifferent to who was holding her. There was no emotional component other than his own imagination. Kara looked good with a baby, though, and she was better at it than he'd thought. 

"Hi," he greeted softly. They didn't have the room to themselves, and some racks had closed curtains. "I heard little Kara met her grandfather. How was that?"

Making his father worry sometimes gave Lee a thrilling sense of power. He felt guilty about it later, but the moment was a nice reminder he was significant above and beyond his rank. He couldn't always enjoy Starbuck's romps entertaining herself straight through the red tape of asking permission for the improvised training she invented. Seeing the wide eyes and curious stares had amused him this time. It had the added benefit of also being a valid learning experience. 

"Kind of tense, but not bad, really. He'd talked to Balter," Kara said quietly. Lee glanced at her as he shed his uniform jacket. "About us."

Lee sighed. "That frakker." 

He'd done his best to forget that particular romp. Vice President Baltar was kept busy and off Galactica, and that had to be enough. 

"A lot has happened since then," she said, shrugging. "I'm not sure his opinion counts for much. He talks to himself less than he did, but that's because he's always talking to the wireless journalists."

"Any sign how things are going," he asked. "I can't get a read when I talk to him with Tigh around."

He wanted to strip down and go to sleep, but his brain had a nagging doubt he should wait until the evening CAP got in. Lee sat down next to her and Kara shuffled on the mattress to make room. He put his arm around her.

"Tigh wants us to hang," she said. "But otherwise, no read on it. He's so conflicted you can see him dying to have someone walk in and tell him something so awful it lets him say no. I think trying to fly a real baby in a Viper would have been a relief to him. He would have been able to call us nuts. But we're here, in the middle."

Lee tipped his face against her hair. The middle was not a good place for them, offering no closure to move on and no future to anticipate happiness together. 

"We're not in the middle," he said peacefully. "We are nuts, but this is a fresh start. This is somewhere new. We have to look around for a bit and find our next coordinates."

"Yeah, get Gaeta to calculate that jump, Captain," Kara scoffed. "I got back my picture."

"Good." Lee had been sorry to have left it behind, but too wound up to go back for it. "Did you eat?"

Kara turned onto her hip, cuddling in and draping her arm across his middle. "I went to the Messhall and let Cally look after the nugget for me while I ate. I figured it was about time people saw we didn't have a real baby before we have to give her back. They'd never give up on trying to find our long lost baby unless they saw her little plastic nose looks nothing like either one of us."

People really did give Kara too much credit for being ingenius in her disobedience. Most of the time she was a model officer. Putting her in the cockpit was giving her license to be creative with her flying, but that was just something her commanders learned about her the first week. 

At the far end of his rack, Kara had the baby set up. Lee's feet didn't fit without kicking it, so he left them on the floor. 

"I'm going to grab some dinner," he said. "You staying here?"

Kara nodded. "I'm tired, and I told the nuggets they were off babysitting duty for the night. I wanted to show you the flight breakdowns for today."

He pulled the slumped pillow up behind her back, and stood up gingerly to keep from waking the baby. It really did notice being jolted and would begin screaming upon being disturbed.

"Anyone beat my scores," Lee joked. 

Kara looked up at him with a smile of pure affection. "Nope, she's a daddy's girl."

He really was going to have to get her pregnant, Lee thought. He wasn't sure when, but it was a given now. He'd have thought even a baby doll would have driven Kara to distraction, but she was mellow and content in the eye of their usual chaos. 

"I thought so," he bragged. "I heard one more thing from today. You've been very quotable. 'A kiss on the nose, not a slap in the face?' You're getting dangerously philosophical. Some of our kids aren't that smart."

Her grin broke to a chuckle. "It's not their fault you're their CAG," Kara chided him. "Lords know I tried."

"Well, you've demonstrated both on me, so I like to think I'm contributing," he agreed. "Take a nap. I'll be back soon."

Lee took his time eating, giving her half an hour to sleep. When he returned, he found both Karas on pillows at the foot of the bunk, the bottle propped in his lover's slack grip as the baby made her weird electronic coos. 

He pulled a blanket over Kara and reached in to take the baby over to her rack, snagging Kara's clipboard to read her latest triumphs as a flight instructor.


End file.
